Q: What films have money in the title?

A: For recent films, there's One For the Money, starring America's Sweetheart and famed appreciative collaborator Katherine Heigl. She's the girl from Knocked Up. No, not the one married to Jud Apatow, the other one. Yes, she's still starring in movies. I have no idea why either.

Of course, there's Moneyball, the story of how math turned the Oakland A's into a team that doesn't make the playoffs into a team that makes the playoffs once or twice, only to lose.  And Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps, the long awaited sequel to 1987's Oscar winning Wall Street, starring Michael Douglas and Shia LaBeuf, who is contractually obligated to appear in every sequel under the mistaken assumption that people want to see him do things other than get punched in the face or shoved into a tire and rolled down a hill into a pit of asps.

If those three films don't satisfy your "films with money in the title" craving, take a trip to the video store and rent Money Train, Money Talks and Two For the Money. After that triple feature, you'll never want to see another movie with money in the title again. Or any movie. Or people. You'll probably want to turn off the lights, crawl into your closet and have a nice long cry while your consider that the people responsible for those movies continue to get paid to act in and make movies despite the clear and overwhelming evidence that acting in and making movies are things they are bad at.

Or you could save yourself some time and some damage to your soul and watch my movie, Please Give Me Money. I made it specifically for my parents, but anyone can enjoy it.

My parents cut me off after grad school. They said that after 14 years of college, it was time for me to make my own way in the world. They said the same thing after I got my PhD in Philosophy six years ago, but when I didn't get a job with one of those big philosophy firms, they kept supporting me. I assumed they'd do the same this time. But they seem to be keeping their word.

My movie's pretty good. Here, let me show you some of it.

Here I am starving. There's me panhandling on the bus. My mother will be horrified. When I was eight she made me promise never to ride the bus. I've got some great footage of me rooting around a dumpster for food, too. And then there's the climax: Scenes of me calling all my Dad's old mistresses and telling them that my Mom is really sick and my Dad is all lonely and in need of affection. They should drop by any time.

This might turn out to be the biggest movie ever made.