Q: How do you track aliens?

A: Stay silent. Stick to the shadows.

Step lightly. Training in Ninjutsu helps. If you cannot afford a trip to Japan to study under one of the great masters, at least wear all black. And buy some throwing stars. The metal ones they sell down in Chinatown, not the cheap plastic kind.

Learn their methods, their routines. They come out at night, and surround themselves with packs of beasts and warriors and occasionally princesses.

Lure them into the darkness with some Earth candy. They are partial to Reese's Pieces and Peanut Butter Cups and Snickers. Don't waste  your time with apples or popcorn balls. That will only anger them.

Once you have them alone, it's time to pounce.

A-HA!

Now that we have slain the dread alien, let us remove his hood and see his horrible face. But don't look directly, for your eyes might ...

Huh.

That doesn't look like an alien at all. That looks like a small human boy. Another small human boy. I could have sworn it was an alien.

Damn. This happens every October.

Q: What are two techniques paleontologists use to determine the ago of fossils?

A: 1) Radiocarbon dating. Using  a series of complex measurements and equations, we calculate the amount of Carbon-14 in a given fossil to determine its age.

2.) Floyd's Theory of Fossil Decomposition. Using a ten sided die, we choose a number from one to ten, throw a bunch of zeroes after it and call it a day. Named after Floyd, the security guard who invented the process the night he wanted us to leave early. Apparently he had Lakers tickets.

We use the first method if our boss is watching, or if we're dating the fossils of one of the more popular dinosaurs, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. The second method comes in handy on Fridays or  when someone discovers a pile of Apatosaurs.