A: I am not sure of the proper medical term, but I know what I call it:
Delicious.
I've always been a fan of salty snacks.
Ow.
OW!
What the fuck?
Why did you hit me? I thought you wanted this.
You're such a tease.
Of course I bit you, I'm a fucking vampire!
Why do you think I dress this way? Why do think I wear my hair like this?
What the hell is Halloween? And who the fuck is Count Chocula?
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Q: What happens at a full drug and alcohol evaluation?
A: The counselors conduct a variety of tests, both psychological and physical to determine your level of drug dependence and how much intensive rehabilitation you will need.
It's not a drinking contest. They're not interested in how many Irish Car Bombs you can drink and still drive a bus..
You can stop practicing.
Okay, please stop practicing?
You're starting to scare the children. They're beginning to figure out that we're lost and a few of them are getting motion sickness.
If you could maybe -
No, I've never seen a school bus hit a jump before.
That would be kind of awesome.
All right, but as soon as we land, you're driving straight to the zoo. No more excuses.
Okay, kids, hold on. We're going to try a science experiment!
It's not a drinking contest. They're not interested in how many Irish Car Bombs you can drink and still drive a bus..
You can stop practicing.
Okay, please stop practicing?
You're starting to scare the children. They're beginning to figure out that we're lost and a few of them are getting motion sickness.
If you could maybe -
No, I've never seen a school bus hit a jump before.
That would be kind of awesome.
All right, but as soon as we land, you're driving straight to the zoo. No more excuses.
Okay, kids, hold on. We're going to try a science experiment!
Q: How do they say congratulations in Hawaiian?
A: The same way we say it on the mainland. They simply say "congratulations," but in a dry, deadpan voice. Then they clap their hands, three times, real slow.
Something like this:
"Congratulations."
-clap-
-clap-
-clap-
You'll think that other people will join in on the applause, bringing it to a crescendo of joy and acceptance, but that's not what happens. They'll just clap three times, stop, and walk away.
Oh, they'll also shake their head, and mutter something under their breath as they walk away.
That's how they say congratulations in Hawaii. I did only hear it the one time, right after I told the hotel manager that I impregnated his daughter.
Something like this:
"Congratulations."
-clap-
-clap-
-clap-
You'll think that other people will join in on the applause, bringing it to a crescendo of joy and acceptance, but that's not what happens. They'll just clap three times, stop, and walk away.
Oh, they'll also shake their head, and mutter something under their breath as they walk away.
That's how they say congratulations in Hawaii. I did only hear it the one time, right after I told the hotel manager that I impregnated his daughter.
Q: What do you call a clumsy fellow?
A: Really depends on your definition of clumsy doesn't it?
Would you call someone clumsy who can't grab a seat at the bar without knocking over someone's drink?
Would you call someone clumsy who manages to break a vase every time he visits your house, even though you don't own any vases?
Would you call someone clumsy who can't take a step without tripping over a cord, yanking it out of the wall, which causes a great many problems at his job with the hospital.
Would you call someone clumsy who wears a suit made entirely of bubble wrap, as ordered by the court?
Would you call someone clumsy who's legally forbidden to carry, hold, touch, or even look at a baby?
You would?
Well, then, we call him Stanley. He's the fella at the end of the bar wearing the bubble wrap suit.
I wouldn't get too close; we're letting him play darts tonight.
Would you call someone clumsy who can't grab a seat at the bar without knocking over someone's drink?
Would you call someone clumsy who manages to break a vase every time he visits your house, even though you don't own any vases?
Would you call someone clumsy who can't take a step without tripping over a cord, yanking it out of the wall, which causes a great many problems at his job with the hospital.
Would you call someone clumsy who wears a suit made entirely of bubble wrap, as ordered by the court?
Would you call someone clumsy who's legally forbidden to carry, hold, touch, or even look at a baby?
You would?
Well, then, we call him Stanley. He's the fella at the end of the bar wearing the bubble wrap suit.
I wouldn't get too close; we're letting him play darts tonight.
Q: What is the medical term for fear of the unknown?
A: Let me check me text book ... Hmmm .... It says in here that you are a "pussy." I hope I'm pronouncing that right, "pussy."
"A giant pussy." The word "giant" was always there, I didn't notice it before.
Yup, that's it, a "Giant Pussy." Has all your symptoms, too: your whiny voice, your sweaty pits, the way you're kind of stammering and on the verge of tears. All right here in this completely legitimate medical textbook that I just happened to have within reach.
No, you can't see it. My father gave me this book on his deathbed. I'm never forget his final words, "Never let a stranger touch this book, least of all a giant pussy." Funny how everything kind of comes together.
On the bright side, at least we have a diagnosis. The treatment is very simple. You have to face the thing you fear most.
In this case, you're going to have to go upstairs and check on that mysterious noise.
I'm sure it was nothing.
Sure, Dave and Rachel went upstairs to go have sex a couple hours ago, and haven't been back. They're probably quietly cuddling, just to mess with us. I'm sure those mysterious noises, the bloodcurdling scream, followed by the sounds of a struggle, followed by the sounds of two people being cut to pieces with an ax, were nothing more than the sounds of vigorous and adventurous lovemaking.
Now, go on up there. Make sure you make a lot of noises on the steps, so that Rachel and Dave have enough time to get dressed and I have a chance to flee.
I mean pee. So I have a chance to flee.
I did it again, didn't I?
"A giant pussy." The word "giant" was always there, I didn't notice it before.
Yup, that's it, a "Giant Pussy." Has all your symptoms, too: your whiny voice, your sweaty pits, the way you're kind of stammering and on the verge of tears. All right here in this completely legitimate medical textbook that I just happened to have within reach.
No, you can't see it. My father gave me this book on his deathbed. I'm never forget his final words, "Never let a stranger touch this book, least of all a giant pussy." Funny how everything kind of comes together.
On the bright side, at least we have a diagnosis. The treatment is very simple. You have to face the thing you fear most.
In this case, you're going to have to go upstairs and check on that mysterious noise.
I'm sure it was nothing.
Sure, Dave and Rachel went upstairs to go have sex a couple hours ago, and haven't been back. They're probably quietly cuddling, just to mess with us. I'm sure those mysterious noises, the bloodcurdling scream, followed by the sounds of a struggle, followed by the sounds of two people being cut to pieces with an ax, were nothing more than the sounds of vigorous and adventurous lovemaking.
Now, go on up there. Make sure you make a lot of noises on the steps, so that Rachel and Dave have enough time to get dressed and I have a chance to flee.
I mean pee. So I have a chance to flee.
I did it again, didn't I?
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- Ryan
- Ryan Callahan has written, produced, or directed shows for ABC, A&E, SHowtime, The CW, TVLand, Animal Planet and other networks even lower on your dial. When not making TV, or writing fake answers, he reads books, buys books, or buys books to read later. Follow WikiFakeAnswers on Twitter and Facebook