A: First, you begin to relax. You lighten up a bit and feel the stress of the day fade away.
Then, you become more talkative, your inhibitions disappear, and you'll really start to enjoy yourself.
Soon, you''ll discover that you have an opinion on everything, and you are not afraid to share it, at the top of your voice, and everybody better goddamn listen, because you are hilarious.
Eventually, you'll bump into a co-worker you consider attractive, or are able to convince yourself is attractive, and you'll spend a long time talking to her, inching ever closer, constantly wondering when's the best time to begin groping.
At some point you'll think shots are a good idea.
Oh my God! This place has beer pong!
Later in the night, you'll be amazed by some of your profound insights on the true nature of man, and by your ability to vomit into the urinal without missing.
Switching to scotch makes sense.
There are some fuzzy spots here.
Did I make out with someone?
I think I remember yelling. There was probably some yelling. And I may have bought a dozen Chuck Norris DVDs on Amazon?
In the morning, you will have a body headache, cotton mouth and unexplained bruises on your forearms. Your wife will be very mad at you. And you'll realize you are late for work, with barely enough time for a bong hit before you run out the door.
The good news: It's only a few hours until lunch, and the Mexican place on the corner has awesome margaritas.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Q: What are the elements to a plot?
A: 1.) Set Up. The characters and setting are introduced and the main conflict explained.
2.) Rising Action - The characters engage themselves in the conflict, alliances are made, tension builds.
3.) Climax - The characters face the conflict directly, alliances are broken, loved ones die or are seriously injured.
4.) Falling Action - The characters deal with the conflict, alliances are rebuilt, there are funerals or miraculous recoveries.
5.) Resolution - The story comes to a fulfilling ending, often with off-camera lovemaking, or an on-camera, freeze-frame high five.
6.) Big Twist - The characters are revealed to be dead the whole time, or figments in the imagination of a minor character.
7.) Post Credits Sequence - A great place to plug the sequel, or show hilarious outtakes.
2.) Rising Action - The characters engage themselves in the conflict, alliances are made, tension builds.
3.) Climax - The characters face the conflict directly, alliances are broken, loved ones die or are seriously injured.
4.) Falling Action - The characters deal with the conflict, alliances are rebuilt, there are funerals or miraculous recoveries.
5.) Resolution - The story comes to a fulfilling ending, often with off-camera lovemaking, or an on-camera, freeze-frame high five.
6.) Big Twist - The characters are revealed to be dead the whole time, or figments in the imagination of a minor character.
7.) Post Credits Sequence - A great place to plug the sequel, or show hilarious outtakes.
Q: What is the meaning of the natural frequency of a body?
A: The human body consists of millions and millions of atoms. These atoms vibrate at high speeds, essentially giving us shape and mass. These vibrations literally create us. If we understand these vibrations, we can understand who we are as people. These vibrations send out a frequency and only those very attuned to the frequency can hear them.
Lucky for you, I am one of those people.
I can feel your vibrations and I can tell you who you really are and what you really want to do with your life. But first, you will need to disrobe. Clothing has it's own vibrations and can interfere with my reading. Now, climb into the bath tub. Water conducts the vibrations and allows me to hear them clearer.
If I close my eyes, and place my had a few inches from your body, I can actually feel your vibrations. I can feel your whole body moving and shaking, on a sub-atomic level. The very essence of your being splashing around, crying out for me, crying out to be saved.
Honestly, your vibrations are much louder than most peoples. These are some exceptionally violent vibrations. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were being electrocuted.
Huh, that's weird. Your vibrations suddenly stopped. I've never felt anything like -
Oh.
Oh boy.
I forgot to mention that I often enjoy a nice piece of toast while I bathe. And, funny story, I have a toaster that looks exactly like a rubber ducky. But I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.
Or anything that you can even hear.
Lucky for you, I am one of those people.
I can feel your vibrations and I can tell you who you really are and what you really want to do with your life. But first, you will need to disrobe. Clothing has it's own vibrations and can interfere with my reading. Now, climb into the bath tub. Water conducts the vibrations and allows me to hear them clearer.
If I close my eyes, and place my had a few inches from your body, I can actually feel your vibrations. I can feel your whole body moving and shaking, on a sub-atomic level. The very essence of your being splashing around, crying out for me, crying out to be saved.
Honestly, your vibrations are much louder than most peoples. These are some exceptionally violent vibrations. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were being electrocuted.
Huh, that's weird. Your vibrations suddenly stopped. I've never felt anything like -
Oh.
Oh boy.
I forgot to mention that I often enjoy a nice piece of toast while I bathe. And, funny story, I have a toaster that looks exactly like a rubber ducky. But I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.
Or anything that you can even hear.
Q: Can a US senator vote for the vice president?
A: No one votes for the Vice President. Not directly anyway.
People vote for the ticket, the combination of President and Vice President. They are elected together, as a team. Senators have no control over the Vice Presidency, no matter what they claim.
So, despite what Senator Graham told you, Mr. Biden, he has no actual power over you. He didn't put you in office. He can't take you out of office.
He was just mad because you took the last piece of cheesecake. He loves cheesecake.
I'm sure he didn't mean to make you cry. Once he's done eating his cheesecake, and pointing and laughing at you, I'm sure he'll come right back over and apologize.
People vote for the ticket, the combination of President and Vice President. They are elected together, as a team. Senators have no control over the Vice Presidency, no matter what they claim.
So, despite what Senator Graham told you, Mr. Biden, he has no actual power over you. He didn't put you in office. He can't take you out of office.
He was just mad because you took the last piece of cheesecake. He loves cheesecake.
I'm sure he didn't mean to make you cry. Once he's done eating his cheesecake, and pointing and laughing at you, I'm sure he'll come right back over and apologize.
Q: What is the size of Northern Ireland in the United Kingdom?
A: Not very large at all. Terribly small, in fact.
If you take a look at this map, you will see that Northern Ireland is no bigger than our own kingdom. Please note, this map is not to scale.
In actuality, Northern Ireland is much larger than our kingdom. Every thing is, sir. It's the nature of new nations that they must start small, at the very bottom. Only be conquering foreign lands does a nation begin to grow.
Look at America. Once a mere thirteen colonies, now a vast and powerful country, stretching from sea to sea, and with holdings all over the globe. But that didn't happen over night. American's expansion took years.
You have to start somewhere, sir. What better place than Nothern Ireland?
And according to our intelligence, we should be able to conquer them with no problem.
Now, obviously, our intelligence in this matter is somewhat sparse. Our lone intelligence officer doubles as our pool boy. You know Doug, sir. He compiled this report.
I'm not sure if report is really the right word. More of a drawing actually. But if I read it correctly, it seems that once we defeat a trio of Leprechauns, cross a river of green beer and wrestle a Bogman, we will rule the nation and all the glorious wenches will be ours for the taking.
Would you care to see the drawing, sir? There are many wenches and they have been rendered in exquisite detail. If he can't make a go of it as an intelligence officer, or pool boy, Doug might have a future as an illustrator. Although I do question his understanding of anatomy. And physics. Some of these wenches would have the most terrible back pain.
Nevertheless, Doug tells me they exist and they look forward to our arrival. He says they will treat us like liberators and will be very grateful. Very. Grateful.
At your command, I will ready the air force and navy for the invasion.
Be aware that the navy needs about an hour to get ready. We lost our bike pump and I'll need to inflate the raft by myself.
If you take a look at this map, you will see that Northern Ireland is no bigger than our own kingdom. Please note, this map is not to scale.
In actuality, Northern Ireland is much larger than our kingdom. Every thing is, sir. It's the nature of new nations that they must start small, at the very bottom. Only be conquering foreign lands does a nation begin to grow.
Look at America. Once a mere thirteen colonies, now a vast and powerful country, stretching from sea to sea, and with holdings all over the globe. But that didn't happen over night. American's expansion took years.
You have to start somewhere, sir. What better place than Nothern Ireland?
And according to our intelligence, we should be able to conquer them with no problem.
Now, obviously, our intelligence in this matter is somewhat sparse. Our lone intelligence officer doubles as our pool boy. You know Doug, sir. He compiled this report.
I'm not sure if report is really the right word. More of a drawing actually. But if I read it correctly, it seems that once we defeat a trio of Leprechauns, cross a river of green beer and wrestle a Bogman, we will rule the nation and all the glorious wenches will be ours for the taking.
Would you care to see the drawing, sir? There are many wenches and they have been rendered in exquisite detail. If he can't make a go of it as an intelligence officer, or pool boy, Doug might have a future as an illustrator. Although I do question his understanding of anatomy. And physics. Some of these wenches would have the most terrible back pain.
Nevertheless, Doug tells me they exist and they look forward to our arrival. He says they will treat us like liberators and will be very grateful. Very. Grateful.
At your command, I will ready the air force and navy for the invasion.
Be aware that the navy needs about an hour to get ready. We lost our bike pump and I'll need to inflate the raft by myself.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Q: What did you eat in Concentration Camps?
A: Oh, I ate wonderfully. We had lots of bread, and cheese. Chicken was readily available. Lots of sausage, obviously. On a good day, we might have a steak.
And there was always chocolate. So much chocolate. Always chocolate, seemingly with every meal.
Oh yes, we ate very well. A literal smorgasbord.
I understand meals were somewhat less frequent for the prisoners.
And there was always chocolate. So much chocolate. Always chocolate, seemingly with every meal.
Oh yes, we ate very well. A literal smorgasbord.
I understand meals were somewhat less frequent for the prisoners.
Q: Why don't a lot of people graduate?
A: Because college is wicked hard.
They expect you to go to class, like, two or three times a week, for an hour at a time. At that's not just one class. I'm talking four, maybe five classes. You add that all up and I'm expected to be in class, like, 15 hours a week. And that's just class time. That's not counting all the time they want you to spend on your own, reading.
So, now you're talking about 20, maybe even 25 hours a week I'm focusing on school work. And that's for almost eight months of out of the year. When am I supposed to find the time to concentrate on what's really important, like finding myself as a person? Or learning to manipulate women? Or figuring out who the weak links are in a group of friends?
College just isn't for me, Dad. There are too many demands on my time and it's taking away from my art.
So, I've decided to forgo my remaining years of eligibility and announce my desire to turn pro.
I'm joining the NGL.
And I really hope your team drafts me.
I don't see what's so funny.
What do you mean there's no such thing as the National Grifting League?
Why have I been buying all that team merchandise? And those DVDs? And books? And what about all those League Championships you took me to as a kid?
It was all a con?
You conned your own son out of his life savings, left to him by his dead mother?
Damn. You are good.
Well, I guess I'll go back to college.
I'm sure they'll be happy to have me back at Flim Flam University.
Hey, where did the campus go?
They expect you to go to class, like, two or three times a week, for an hour at a time. At that's not just one class. I'm talking four, maybe five classes. You add that all up and I'm expected to be in class, like, 15 hours a week. And that's just class time. That's not counting all the time they want you to spend on your own, reading.
So, now you're talking about 20, maybe even 25 hours a week I'm focusing on school work. And that's for almost eight months of out of the year. When am I supposed to find the time to concentrate on what's really important, like finding myself as a person? Or learning to manipulate women? Or figuring out who the weak links are in a group of friends?
College just isn't for me, Dad. There are too many demands on my time and it's taking away from my art.
So, I've decided to forgo my remaining years of eligibility and announce my desire to turn pro.
I'm joining the NGL.
And I really hope your team drafts me.
I don't see what's so funny.
What do you mean there's no such thing as the National Grifting League?
Why have I been buying all that team merchandise? And those DVDs? And books? And what about all those League Championships you took me to as a kid?
It was all a con?
You conned your own son out of his life savings, left to him by his dead mother?
Damn. You are good.
Well, I guess I'll go back to college.
I'm sure they'll be happy to have me back at Flim Flam University.
Hey, where did the campus go?
Q: How can you tell that your wife is falling out of love with you?
A: There will be little signs at first.
She'll hang out with her friends more. She won't laugh at your jokes as much. She'll start to criticize the way you hold your fork.
Then you'll notice bigger changes. She'll start dressing nicer. She'll be less interested in sex. Sometimes she won't come home until very late, her hair a mess, her dress stinking of booze, cigars and Old Spice.
Eventually, the signs will become too much for you to ignore. She'll be gone for weeks at a time. She'll empty your bank account and go on a vacation to Thailand. She'll send you a sex tape she made with her new lover, labeled "You Should Watch This. You Might Learn a Thing Or Two."
After that, it's one non-stop torrent of disrespect. It will get to the point that you will curse the day you decided to dig her up and re-animate her corpse.
She'll hang out with her friends more. She won't laugh at your jokes as much. She'll start to criticize the way you hold your fork.
Then you'll notice bigger changes. She'll start dressing nicer. She'll be less interested in sex. Sometimes she won't come home until very late, her hair a mess, her dress stinking of booze, cigars and Old Spice.
Eventually, the signs will become too much for you to ignore. She'll be gone for weeks at a time. She'll empty your bank account and go on a vacation to Thailand. She'll send you a sex tape she made with her new lover, labeled "You Should Watch This. You Might Learn a Thing Or Two."
After that, it's one non-stop torrent of disrespect. It will get to the point that you will curse the day you decided to dig her up and re-animate her corpse.
Q: What kind of clipping or grooming needs to be done to show a rottweiler?
A: A simple wash and basic grooming will get your dog ready for the show.
Provided you also have the requisite leash, iron muzzle, steel fence, tranquilizer darts, and Doomsday Device.
The Doomsday Device is obviously a last resort.
Everything else is just a precaution.
We had a rottweiler at the show one year. Coincidentally, there was a large group of children visiting.
We no longer allow children to visit.
Our insurance won't cover it.
Even if it did, we probably still wouldn't have any children here. Not after the parents see the video from that year's show.
Did I mention that the children came from a local day camp for the obese? And that they smelled of bacon grease and ground beef?
You can imagine how the rottweiler reacted. Turns out, his trainer, in an attempt to make him look thin, had not fed the dog in weeks.
Those kids from the fat camp could barely waddle to the bathroom when needed. They didn't have a chance to escape a crazed rottweiler.
Some of the children tried to fight back, god bless their chubby little hearts.
Provided you also have the requisite leash, iron muzzle, steel fence, tranquilizer darts, and Doomsday Device.
The Doomsday Device is obviously a last resort.
Everything else is just a precaution.
We had a rottweiler at the show one year. Coincidentally, there was a large group of children visiting.
We no longer allow children to visit.
Our insurance won't cover it.
Even if it did, we probably still wouldn't have any children here. Not after the parents see the video from that year's show.
Did I mention that the children came from a local day camp for the obese? And that they smelled of bacon grease and ground beef?
You can imagine how the rottweiler reacted. Turns out, his trainer, in an attempt to make him look thin, had not fed the dog in weeks.
Those kids from the fat camp could barely waddle to the bathroom when needed. They didn't have a chance to escape a crazed rottweiler.
Some of the children tried to fight back, god bless their chubby little hearts.
Q: Does Barack Obama have a brother that's in a commercial?
A: That's Barack Obama. He is a brother. That's an outdated slang term for a black dude.
And that's not a commercial. That's a campaign ad. A Barack Obama campaign ad. He's running for President.
I mean, he was running for President. Two and a half years ago.
You really need to catch up on your DVR. It's not cute anymore. It's getting annoying.
I really want talk to you about that episode of Community where they play paint ball, and I really don't feel like waiting two years.
By the way, Obama wins. Spoiler.
And that's not a commercial. That's a campaign ad. A Barack Obama campaign ad. He's running for President.
I mean, he was running for President. Two and a half years ago.
You really need to catch up on your DVR. It's not cute anymore. It's getting annoying.
I really want talk to you about that episode of Community where they play paint ball, and I really don't feel like waiting two years.
By the way, Obama wins. Spoiler.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Q: Please list all signs and symptoms associated with tiredness and sleep deprivation?
A: Irritability.
Joint and muscle pain.
Lack of concentration
Inappropriate workplace attire.
Grogginess.
Headache.
Inability to make witty comebacks when mocked about mismatched socks.
Fatigue.
Floor seems comfortable.
Receptionist more bitchy than usual.
Loss of focus
Lack of concentration.
Woody.
Norm.
Cliff.
Frasier.
Sam.
Rebecca.
Carla.
Dry mouth.
Loss of appetite.
Sudden interest in ShamWow.
Lack of concentration.
Lack of concentration.
Inability to finish thoug
Joint and muscle pain.
Lack of concentration
Inappropriate workplace attire.
Grogginess.
Headache.
Inability to make witty comebacks when mocked about mismatched socks.
Fatigue.
Floor seems comfortable.
Receptionist more bitchy than usual.
Loss of focus
Lack of concentration.
Woody.
Norm.
Cliff.
Frasier.
Sam.
Rebecca.
Carla.
Dry mouth.
Loss of appetite.
Sudden interest in ShamWow.
Lack of concentration.
Lack of concentration.
Inability to finish thoug
Q: Is making out really as good as people say it is?
A: Making out is better than people say it is!
I'm assuming they are saying positive things.
Making out is incredible. It's the best thing a boy and a girl can do with each other.
Other than actually having sex.
Or having oral sex.
Or heavy petting.
Or dry humping.
But, other than that, it's the best.
So, are we going to make out?
You should decide soon. I'll have to make another stop soon, and once the bus starts filling up with kids, we won't have all this privacy.
I'm assuming they are saying positive things.
Making out is incredible. It's the best thing a boy and a girl can do with each other.
Other than actually having sex.
Or having oral sex.
Or heavy petting.
Or dry humping.
But, other than that, it's the best.
So, are we going to make out?
You should decide soon. I'll have to make another stop soon, and once the bus starts filling up with kids, we won't have all this privacy.
Q: How do you call a friend that threw her problems on you?
A: That really depends on the nature of the problems.
If the problems are emotional, such as relationship drama, or financial difficulties, simply take a deep breath, count to ten and realize that you are not responsible for your friend's emotional well being. Calmly offer your friend any advice you may have, but make sure you set proper boundaries. If you friend really cares about you, she will remain your friend. If she doesn't care, and she's only using you as an emotional crutch at her convenience, then you are better off without her.
If the problem is physical, such as the body of dead lover, or drifter your friend mowed down with her car while drunk driving, you have to start moving quick. You're in it now! By catching the body when she threw it, you became an accomplice. Your fingerprints are probably all over him, so you had better start helping. Again, take a deep breath and count to ten. Remember, there is a simple solution here: No body, no crime. You will need a hacksaw, and a vat of hydrochloric acid. Once you dismember the body, you can dissolve it in the acid. Then, you'll have to help your friend come up with an alibi.
What do you mean you don't have a hacksaw?
What kind of a friend are you?
If the problems are emotional, such as relationship drama, or financial difficulties, simply take a deep breath, count to ten and realize that you are not responsible for your friend's emotional well being. Calmly offer your friend any advice you may have, but make sure you set proper boundaries. If you friend really cares about you, she will remain your friend. If she doesn't care, and she's only using you as an emotional crutch at her convenience, then you are better off without her.
If the problem is physical, such as the body of dead lover, or drifter your friend mowed down with her car while drunk driving, you have to start moving quick. You're in it now! By catching the body when she threw it, you became an accomplice. Your fingerprints are probably all over him, so you had better start helping. Again, take a deep breath and count to ten. Remember, there is a simple solution here: No body, no crime. You will need a hacksaw, and a vat of hydrochloric acid. Once you dismember the body, you can dissolve it in the acid. Then, you'll have to help your friend come up with an alibi.
What do you mean you don't have a hacksaw?
What kind of a friend are you?
Q: Why might people want to live near water?
A: Sharks live in the water. Sharks. The most beautiful, spectacular creatures on Earth.
Who wouldn't want to gaze into their cold, black eyes all day long. Who wouldn't want to see their enormous terrifying smiles, full of row after row of razor-sharp teeth, each and every day of their life?
Who wouldn't want to nestle up against their wet, rough skin, and feel safe, and fall asleep for days?
Who wouldn't fall in love with a shark, and give it special treatment, and prominent placement in the aquarium, and provide it with the best chum and homeless people available? Who wouldn't do anything to be with a shark, to show a shark he loved it, even if it meant losing his job as a marine biologist?
Oh.
Really?
Just me?
Yeah, I guess humans and sharks really aren't meant to be together. I kind of realized that that one time I had sex with a shark. That was terrifying.
I learned a valuable lesson having sex with a shark: Never have sex with a shark.
As much as you may love a shark, it will never love you back. It's just a shark. It doesn't have feelings like you or me.
But it does have dozens and dozens of enormous teeth that will cut you to ribbons if you are not careful.
I guess people live near the water for other reasons, too, not only because they love sharks.
Some people love scallops.
Have you ever fucked a scallop?
Now that's a good time.
Who wouldn't want to gaze into their cold, black eyes all day long. Who wouldn't want to see their enormous terrifying smiles, full of row after row of razor-sharp teeth, each and every day of their life?
Who wouldn't want to nestle up against their wet, rough skin, and feel safe, and fall asleep for days?
Who wouldn't fall in love with a shark, and give it special treatment, and prominent placement in the aquarium, and provide it with the best chum and homeless people available? Who wouldn't do anything to be with a shark, to show a shark he loved it, even if it meant losing his job as a marine biologist?
Oh.
Really?
Just me?
Yeah, I guess humans and sharks really aren't meant to be together. I kind of realized that that one time I had sex with a shark. That was terrifying.
I learned a valuable lesson having sex with a shark: Never have sex with a shark.
As much as you may love a shark, it will never love you back. It's just a shark. It doesn't have feelings like you or me.
But it does have dozens and dozens of enormous teeth that will cut you to ribbons if you are not careful.
I guess people live near the water for other reasons, too, not only because they love sharks.
Some people love scallops.
Have you ever fucked a scallop?
Now that's a good time.
Q: What are bad things that can happen to you while mining?
A: Well, you can get the black lung. That's a big one. That'll kill you.
You can also hit your head, or hurt your back. Mining's pretty grueling work.
There's also the more existenisal concerns, like, "Am I meant to me a miner? Am I following my true path in life? Am I only doing this because my father was a miner, and my grandfather was a miner, and my great-grandfather dug an underground tunnel to hide from authorities for twelve years? Is this really what I want to do?"
Black lung and a broken back might kill, but they'll never be as painful as that morning when you wake up, look in the mirror after twenty-four years of mining, and realize that you hate mining, that you always wanted to dance. That's all you've ever wanted to do, just dance.
Yup, that was the worst day of my life.
Until today.
I forgot to mention cave-ins.
Those are the worst. Far worse than I ever imagined. And being a miner, you think about cave-ins a lot.
Yup, a cave in is the worst thing that can happen to a miner. By far.
On the bright side, I can't feel my legs. Or see them.
For all I know, they could be somewhere under all this rubble, dancing up a storm.
Oh, wait. There they are.
How did they get over there?
They don't look like they'll be dancing anytime soon.
You can also hit your head, or hurt your back. Mining's pretty grueling work.
There's also the more existenisal concerns, like, "Am I meant to me a miner? Am I following my true path in life? Am I only doing this because my father was a miner, and my grandfather was a miner, and my great-grandfather dug an underground tunnel to hide from authorities for twelve years? Is this really what I want to do?"
Black lung and a broken back might kill, but they'll never be as painful as that morning when you wake up, look in the mirror after twenty-four years of mining, and realize that you hate mining, that you always wanted to dance. That's all you've ever wanted to do, just dance.
Yup, that was the worst day of my life.
Until today.
I forgot to mention cave-ins.
Those are the worst. Far worse than I ever imagined. And being a miner, you think about cave-ins a lot.
Yup, a cave in is the worst thing that can happen to a miner. By far.
On the bright side, I can't feel my legs. Or see them.
For all I know, they could be somewhere under all this rubble, dancing up a storm.
Oh, wait. There they are.
How did they get over there?
They don't look like they'll be dancing anytime soon.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Q: How do you set up the outside of a letter?
A: Typically, you put the receipt's address right in the center of the envelope, in nice, big, clear handwriting.
Now, that's the whole address, not just a first name and a town. And this spot here, after the state abbreviation? That's where you put the zip codes.
If you don't know the zip code, you can look it up. It's a five digit number. Every address has one.
I see what you did here, but 5 question marks really doesn't help.
Now, up here, in the top left corner, you put the return address. This would be the sender's address. This would be your address.
Your actual address.
I'm pretty sure your address is not The Bat-Cave, Outskirts of Gotham
You don't live in the Bat-Cave.
You are not Batman. That's just a Halloween costume.
Do you think you'll be taking that off anytime soon?
No? Maybe next week.
Anyway. that's how you address a letter. Up here, in the top right corner, you would put a stamp.
Yup, right there. Right where you put all those Garfield stickers.
Garfield stickers have no monetary value. They are not acceptable postage.
So, you didn't put any stamps on the letter, you used a fake return address, and you don't know the zip code.
I think I finally understand why you didn't get any presents this year.
Santa can't bring you presents if he never gets your letters.
Better luck next year, son.
Now, that's the whole address, not just a first name and a town. And this spot here, after the state abbreviation? That's where you put the zip codes.
If you don't know the zip code, you can look it up. It's a five digit number. Every address has one.
I see what you did here, but 5 question marks really doesn't help.
Now, up here, in the top left corner, you put the return address. This would be the sender's address. This would be your address.
Your actual address.
I'm pretty sure your address is not The Bat-Cave, Outskirts of Gotham
You don't live in the Bat-Cave.
You are not Batman. That's just a Halloween costume.
Do you think you'll be taking that off anytime soon?
No? Maybe next week.
Anyway. that's how you address a letter. Up here, in the top right corner, you would put a stamp.
Yup, right there. Right where you put all those Garfield stickers.
Garfield stickers have no monetary value. They are not acceptable postage.
So, you didn't put any stamps on the letter, you used a fake return address, and you don't know the zip code.
I think I finally understand why you didn't get any presents this year.
Santa can't bring you presents if he never gets your letters.
Better luck next year, son.
Q: Why should people play the flute?
A: I thought we were all serious about this. I thought we wanted to make music, play shows, make money, get laid all the time and live the rock star lifestyle.
We all agreed that, since we are not very creative, and non of us can write good lyrics, or write good music, or even read music, that the best way for us to achieve our dreams was to become a tribute band.
So, we all picked a band, and we wrote it on a piece of paper, and we put the paper in the hat.
Jeff, if you had won, and we became a Kansas tribute band, I sure as hell would have learned to play the violin.
And Tommy, if you had won, and we became an Onyx tribute band, we would have taught ourselves to rap.
But that didn't happen. You didn't win.
I won. Fair and square.
And since I won, we're going to base ourselves after my favorite band.
And we can't be a Jethro Tull tribute band if nobody plays the motherfucking flute!
We all agreed that, since we are not very creative, and non of us can write good lyrics, or write good music, or even read music, that the best way for us to achieve our dreams was to become a tribute band.
So, we all picked a band, and we wrote it on a piece of paper, and we put the paper in the hat.
Jeff, if you had won, and we became a Kansas tribute band, I sure as hell would have learned to play the violin.
And Tommy, if you had won, and we became an Onyx tribute band, we would have taught ourselves to rap.
But that didn't happen. You didn't win.
I won. Fair and square.
And since I won, we're going to base ourselves after my favorite band.
And we can't be a Jethro Tull tribute band if nobody plays the motherfucking flute!
Q: How much does it cost to take care of a quarter horse per year?
A: Less than originally expected.
The hardest part was teaching him to walk upright, like a man.
Actually, the hardest part was getting him to wear human clothes. You have to admit, he does look handsome in that tuxedo.
After teaching him to walk like a man and dress like a man, teaching him to eat human food was pretty much a snap. Although I did have to replace the rolls of bread with apples. And we no longer have creme brule for dessert every night, but rather sugar cubes.
And he still hasn't mastered the use of the toilet. He will occasionally still relieve himself, anywhere, at anytime, even during dinner, as you know all too well. Please send me the bill for your dress. My apologies.
But all the hard work has really paid off, and he's worth the occasional headaches. I save a ton of money by letting him live in the house.
But the real benefits are not financial. The real benefits are in the bedroom.
He's amazing.
Once I get him in that harness, and lower him down over the bed, and get into the proper position, and dig the spurs into his belly, I feel the most incredible sensations.
For 30 seconds, at least, until I black out from the pain.
But the doctors tell me once all my wounds heal, I'll be able to try again in six months.
That's why I made this special, extra-long, advent calendar. Would you like to help me open today?
No, that's not a tiny replica of a chocolate banana. Let me have that.
The hardest part was teaching him to walk upright, like a man.
Actually, the hardest part was getting him to wear human clothes. You have to admit, he does look handsome in that tuxedo.
After teaching him to walk like a man and dress like a man, teaching him to eat human food was pretty much a snap. Although I did have to replace the rolls of bread with apples. And we no longer have creme brule for dessert every night, but rather sugar cubes.
And he still hasn't mastered the use of the toilet. He will occasionally still relieve himself, anywhere, at anytime, even during dinner, as you know all too well. Please send me the bill for your dress. My apologies.
But all the hard work has really paid off, and he's worth the occasional headaches. I save a ton of money by letting him live in the house.
But the real benefits are not financial. The real benefits are in the bedroom.
He's amazing.
Once I get him in that harness, and lower him down over the bed, and get into the proper position, and dig the spurs into his belly, I feel the most incredible sensations.
For 30 seconds, at least, until I black out from the pain.
But the doctors tell me once all my wounds heal, I'll be able to try again in six months.
That's why I made this special, extra-long, advent calendar. Would you like to help me open today?
No, that's not a tiny replica of a chocolate banana. Let me have that.
Q: What are the names of all the stars?
A: Let's see, there was Didi Conn.
And Inga Swenson. And James Noble. He played the Governor.
There was Rene Aubererjonois. I loved him. He was great in those early Altman films.
You want a star? How about Jerry Seinfeld?
And, of course, the biggest star of them all, Mr. Robert Guillaume.
I assumed you wanted me to name all the stars from the hit ABC show Benson.
Naming all the stars in the universe would be an absurd request.
And Inga Swenson. And James Noble. He played the Governor.
There was Rene Aubererjonois. I loved him. He was great in those early Altman films.
You want a star? How about Jerry Seinfeld?
And, of course, the biggest star of them all, Mr. Robert Guillaume.
I assumed you wanted me to name all the stars from the hit ABC show Benson.
Naming all the stars in the universe would be an absurd request.
Q: How can you make oil paints dry faster?
A: You could use a fan, or a hair dryer, or wave your brochure back and forth real fast over the painting.
No matter what you do, the paint probably won't dry fast enough. At least not fast enough for you to escape.
I think people are on to you.
Hear those sirens? And all those people screaming?
And see those security guards running over here?
That's all because of you. Everyone's kind of ... freaking out.
They seem to have a problem with your creativity, and the way you express yourself.
Personally, I think you are right. The Mona Lisa was lacking something.
Specifically, a shoulder mounted laser and a cybernetic walrus sidekick. I think your additions really improve the painting.
But what do I know?
But I'm not an art critic.
I'm just an imaginary man who lives in your right ear.
No matter what you do, the paint probably won't dry fast enough. At least not fast enough for you to escape.
I think people are on to you.
Hear those sirens? And all those people screaming?
And see those security guards running over here?
That's all because of you. Everyone's kind of ... freaking out.
They seem to have a problem with your creativity, and the way you express yourself.
Personally, I think you are right. The Mona Lisa was lacking something.
Specifically, a shoulder mounted laser and a cybernetic walrus sidekick. I think your additions really improve the painting.
But what do I know?
But I'm not an art critic.
I'm just an imaginary man who lives in your right ear.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Q: Would a guy like it if i just walked up behind him and moved my hand half way down his arm he's my friend?
A: Oh my God, he would love it!
If you are hot, he'll love it even more.
There's nothing a guy likes more than aggressive physical contact, clearly flirtatious, from a sexy girl who thinks of him as nothing more than a friend.
Put your hands all over him, run your fingers through his hair, squeeze his leg under the table - as long as it's completely platonic, he'll be thrilled!
If you really want to make him happy, and I mean ecstatic beyond belief, sit on his lap, gently caress his chest, lean into him real close, put your lips inches from his ear and whisper "I like you as a friend."
He'll be over the moon!
There's nothing a guy likes more than a really attractive woman who sees him as nothing more than a sexless, non-threatening, conversation lump. Something about the whole scenario makes a guy feel more manly.
If you are hot, he'll love it even more.
There's nothing a guy likes more than aggressive physical contact, clearly flirtatious, from a sexy girl who thinks of him as nothing more than a friend.
Put your hands all over him, run your fingers through his hair, squeeze his leg under the table - as long as it's completely platonic, he'll be thrilled!
If you really want to make him happy, and I mean ecstatic beyond belief, sit on his lap, gently caress his chest, lean into him real close, put your lips inches from his ear and whisper "I like you as a friend."
He'll be over the moon!
There's nothing a guy likes more than a really attractive woman who sees him as nothing more than a sexless, non-threatening, conversation lump. Something about the whole scenario makes a guy feel more manly.
Q: How heating can change the water?
A: There's an old saying about cooking a frog.
If you bring a pot of water to boil, then toss a frog in there, that frog will jump right out and run away.
But, if you put the frog in a pot of cold water, place it on the burner and slowly turn up the heat, that frog will sit there, not moving a muscle, even when the water boils, and even as it's getting cooked.
What I'm trying to tell you is that your Grandma died.
I don't know what I was getting at with that whole frog thing.
If you bring a pot of water to boil, then toss a frog in there, that frog will jump right out and run away.
But, if you put the frog in a pot of cold water, place it on the burner and slowly turn up the heat, that frog will sit there, not moving a muscle, even when the water boils, and even as it's getting cooked.
What I'm trying to tell you is that your Grandma died.
I don't know what I was getting at with that whole frog thing.
Q: Are nurses allowed to have visible tattoos during work hours?
A: Generally, no. But we will make special exceptions if the tattoo is unobtrusive, and tasteful, and inoffensive.
There will be no exception made for your tattoos, since they are obtrusive, tasteless and highly offensive.
You will have to cover them up if you wish to continue working here.
I understand that your tattoos are a form of personal expression and that by asking you to cover them up, I am, in fact, silencing your soul. I really don't care.
You are a nurse at a maternity ward. Your dead baby tattoos are incredibly inappropriate.
Especially since they seem to be brand new.
And homemade.
And bear the names of all the babies born here in the past week.
There will be no exception made for your tattoos, since they are obtrusive, tasteless and highly offensive.
You will have to cover them up if you wish to continue working here.
I understand that your tattoos are a form of personal expression and that by asking you to cover them up, I am, in fact, silencing your soul. I really don't care.
You are a nurse at a maternity ward. Your dead baby tattoos are incredibly inappropriate.
Especially since they seem to be brand new.
And homemade.
And bear the names of all the babies born here in the past week.
Q: How can the wind help you find direction?
A: Sir, the phrase "See which way the wind blows," means figuring out how the general public feels about a particular issue. If we have a sense of what the man on the streets thinks and expects, than we can come out in favor of it and everyone will like you.
A lot of people think that politicians should be leaders and do what they think is right and inspire the American people to follow. Those people lose a lot of elections.
And then their campaign contributors don't get the reduced regulations and favorable laws they paid all that good money to get.
When campaign contributors don't get what they want, they are less likely to contribute in the future, which makes it hard to buy air time, which makes it hard to tell people that you agree with them. If people don't know that you agree with them, why would they vote for you?
But before we can agree with them, we need to figure out what they think. Once we know that, we can pretend to believe whatever they believe, so we can win the election and do the bidding of our generous backers.
We find out what they think with polls and surveys. That's what we mean when we say "See which way the wind blows."
We don't mean the literal wind.
Please take your finger out of the air.
The press has been taking pictures.
And did you really have to choose that finger?
A lot of people think that politicians should be leaders and do what they think is right and inspire the American people to follow. Those people lose a lot of elections.
And then their campaign contributors don't get the reduced regulations and favorable laws they paid all that good money to get.
When campaign contributors don't get what they want, they are less likely to contribute in the future, which makes it hard to buy air time, which makes it hard to tell people that you agree with them. If people don't know that you agree with them, why would they vote for you?
But before we can agree with them, we need to figure out what they think. Once we know that, we can pretend to believe whatever they believe, so we can win the election and do the bidding of our generous backers.
We find out what they think with polls and surveys. That's what we mean when we say "See which way the wind blows."
We don't mean the literal wind.
Please take your finger out of the air.
The press has been taking pictures.
And did you really have to choose that finger?
Q: How is a cricket's digestive system different from humans?
A: First of all, it's much smaller. Significantly smaller.
Really tiny.
Other than that, it's pretty much the same. There's a stomach, and an intestine, and a colon. There's also this thing called a gizzard. I don't think you have one of those. At least I didn't see one during the operation. But, to be honest, there was a lot going on, and people were shouting, and I was still kind of drunk.
I wasn't planning on working today. I thought I had the day off. Turns out, I misread the schedule.
At least, that's what I tell people. Between you and me, I'm trying to get fired. I hate it here. I never wanted to be a surgeon. That was my father's dream. I've always wanted to sing.
I've tried everything to get fired. I've shown up late, shown up drunk, sexually harassed every nurse and orderly I see ... and nothing. Absolutely nothing. They kept sending me into the OR.
But I think I've solved that problem.
They're going to have to fire me for this one. How can they possibly employ a surgeon who replaced a patient's entire digestive system with the digestive system of a cricket? It just won't make any sense.
Oh, by the way, try not to eat anything bigger than a pea, or it will get really ugly, real quick.
Really tiny.
Other than that, it's pretty much the same. There's a stomach, and an intestine, and a colon. There's also this thing called a gizzard. I don't think you have one of those. At least I didn't see one during the operation. But, to be honest, there was a lot going on, and people were shouting, and I was still kind of drunk.
I wasn't planning on working today. I thought I had the day off. Turns out, I misread the schedule.
At least, that's what I tell people. Between you and me, I'm trying to get fired. I hate it here. I never wanted to be a surgeon. That was my father's dream. I've always wanted to sing.
I've tried everything to get fired. I've shown up late, shown up drunk, sexually harassed every nurse and orderly I see ... and nothing. Absolutely nothing. They kept sending me into the OR.
But I think I've solved that problem.
They're going to have to fire me for this one. How can they possibly employ a surgeon who replaced a patient's entire digestive system with the digestive system of a cricket? It just won't make any sense.
Oh, by the way, try not to eat anything bigger than a pea, or it will get really ugly, real quick.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Q: When and how was the floods discovered in Austrailia?
A: One morning, they noticed that, where there once was nothing but sand and dessert, there was now a large puddle. They thought nothing of it an returned to drinking.
Later, they noticed that, instead of sinking into the ground as they assumed it would, the puddle had grown, and now covered everything and rose to their knees. They canceled their rugby match and got back to drinking.
Eventually, they noticed the puddle had continued to grow, had drowned all the livestock, destroyed many houses, and ruined all the cars. Suspecting that the water might not be going anywhere, and would soon start drowning people, they grabbed every available scrap of wood, constructed a boat, and set sail on a Booze Cruise that continues to this day.
Later, they noticed that, instead of sinking into the ground as they assumed it would, the puddle had grown, and now covered everything and rose to their knees. They canceled their rugby match and got back to drinking.
Eventually, they noticed the puddle had continued to grow, had drowned all the livestock, destroyed many houses, and ruined all the cars. Suspecting that the water might not be going anywhere, and would soon start drowning people, they grabbed every available scrap of wood, constructed a boat, and set sail on a Booze Cruise that continues to this day.
Q: What do you tell a customer if credit card machine is broken?
A: Look him in the eye and say, "I'm sorry, sir. Our credit card machine is not working at this time. We will gladly take cash for your purchase."
Then remind him that he probably should be paying cash in the first place. If he really can't afford something, he probably shouldn't buy it. That's just good, sound, financial advice.
If he bristles at your advice, point out that you are the one wearing a tie and demand some respect. If he continues to argue, point out that you are the one with a job and he's the one shopping for video games in the daytime when normal people are at work. To top it off, he can't even afford these children's game and is only arguing with you to feel better about himself and his dead-end, worthless existence.
If he continues to argue, and at this point he may be making threats, calmly say "I'm sorry that life has passed you by, sir. Please step aside so other customers can make their purchases, which they can afford, and get back to their happy productive lives." That should end things.
If you need to, feel free to call mall security. They have tasers now and they are not afraid to use them. Have you ever seen a man get tased? It's pretty awesome.
Whatever you do, don't tell the customer that the credit card machine is broken because I spilled Jaggermeister on it during that party we had in the store last week. We aren't supposed to be having parties in the store and some of those girls are still in high school. I don't want word to spread, except to other girls in the high school.
Then remind him that he probably should be paying cash in the first place. If he really can't afford something, he probably shouldn't buy it. That's just good, sound, financial advice.
If he bristles at your advice, point out that you are the one wearing a tie and demand some respect. If he continues to argue, point out that you are the one with a job and he's the one shopping for video games in the daytime when normal people are at work. To top it off, he can't even afford these children's game and is only arguing with you to feel better about himself and his dead-end, worthless existence.
If he continues to argue, and at this point he may be making threats, calmly say "I'm sorry that life has passed you by, sir. Please step aside so other customers can make their purchases, which they can afford, and get back to their happy productive lives." That should end things.
If you need to, feel free to call mall security. They have tasers now and they are not afraid to use them. Have you ever seen a man get tased? It's pretty awesome.
Whatever you do, don't tell the customer that the credit card machine is broken because I spilled Jaggermeister on it during that party we had in the store last week. We aren't supposed to be having parties in the store and some of those girls are still in high school. I don't want word to spread, except to other girls in the high school.
Q: Do you should gain weight or maintain it?
A: Oh, dear, you should gain it! Absolutely.
Think of all the fun you'll have, eating fried chicken all day and drinking milkshakes at night.
I heard that when George Clooney gained weight for his role in Syriana, he drank pints of melted Haagen-Dazs ice cream.
Doesn't that sound wonderful?
I say, gain all the weight you want. Just pack it on. You'll feel better, you'll be happier and it's sure to help your career.
Name me one successful actress in Hollywood who isn't big and fat?
Think of all the fun you'll have, eating fried chicken all day and drinking milkshakes at night.
I heard that when George Clooney gained weight for his role in Syriana, he drank pints of melted Haagen-Dazs ice cream.
Doesn't that sound wonderful?
I say, gain all the weight you want. Just pack it on. You'll feel better, you'll be happier and it's sure to help your career.
Name me one successful actress in Hollywood who isn't big and fat?
Q: Why sand before varnishing?
A: Sandpaper gives the wood a rough edge and allows the varnish to soak in and really take hold.
That would be sand paper. Rough, gritty, sand paper.
Handfuls of sand, thrown haphazardly all over the wood, wouldn't help the varnish hold at all. All that sand would just make a mess of things.
But you know that already.
I think it's charming that you wanted to do something special for Mother on her big day, but creating the world's finest coffin might have been a bit more than you could handle, seeing as how you have never worked with wood before, and you only decided to make the coffin late last night, after many hours of heavy drinking.
I'm sure Mother would have been very impressed with your effort and would have taken back all those nasty things she said about you on her death bed.
You don't remember any nasty things?
I guess that would make sense. She often said them while you were in the other room, or when she was sure you weren't listening. I took the trouble to write them down, so you would have a clear understanding of how Mother felt about you.
I had them bound in book-form. Here you go. I suggest starting with the chapter "No One Can Break A Mother's Heart Quite Like A Son." It's a wonderful read.
That would be sand paper. Rough, gritty, sand paper.
Handfuls of sand, thrown haphazardly all over the wood, wouldn't help the varnish hold at all. All that sand would just make a mess of things.
But you know that already.
I think it's charming that you wanted to do something special for Mother on her big day, but creating the world's finest coffin might have been a bit more than you could handle, seeing as how you have never worked with wood before, and you only decided to make the coffin late last night, after many hours of heavy drinking.
I'm sure Mother would have been very impressed with your effort and would have taken back all those nasty things she said about you on her death bed.
You don't remember any nasty things?
I guess that would make sense. She often said them while you were in the other room, or when she was sure you weren't listening. I took the trouble to write them down, so you would have a clear understanding of how Mother felt about you.
I had them bound in book-form. Here you go. I suggest starting with the chapter "No One Can Break A Mother's Heart Quite Like A Son." It's a wonderful read.
Q: What happens when you spray the trunk of a palm tree with spray paint?
A: We let everyone know that this park belongs to the Vipers and that, if they step foot in here, they should expect to be robbed, and beaten, possibly raped, depending on their attractiveness, at the very least yelled at, or, depending on their physical stature and their approximate level of fitness, merely stared at with menace, until they make eye contact, at which point we will adjust our gaze downward and mutter something under our breath.
We also let rival gangs know that we have claimed this park, that we go by the name The Vipers, that their suggested names, such as Sissyboys and Sallyasses and Little-Miss-Nancies-Go-Home-And-Cry-To-Your-Momma, will no longer be tolerated.
We also let rival gangs know that we have claimed this park, that we go by the name The Vipers, that their suggested names, such as Sissyboys and Sallyasses and Little-Miss-Nancies-Go-Home-And-Cry-To-Your-Momma, will no longer be tolerated.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Q: How often does a hamster get the hiccups?
A: Hamsters don't get hiccups.
Nor do they walk on two legs.
Nor are they 6 feet tall.
Nor do they smoke cigars.
I think the pet store sold you a man in a hamster suit. It's the oldest trick in the book. You get attached, the "hamster" "disappears" and when you go back to the store to replace him, you find that they've jacked up the price.
We better flush him down the toilet now and save ourselves the headache.
Nor do they walk on two legs.
Nor are they 6 feet tall.
Nor do they smoke cigars.
I think the pet store sold you a man in a hamster suit. It's the oldest trick in the book. You get attached, the "hamster" "disappears" and when you go back to the store to replace him, you find that they've jacked up the price.
We better flush him down the toilet now and save ourselves the headache.
Q: What makes an electromagnet more powerful?
A: I've been a physicist for most of my adult life, and I honestly can't answer that question.
We've tried everything, more coils, stronger coils, newer coils, tighter coils, different material, more power, new wiring, multiple locations, prayer. Yes, we've even tried prayer. Take a guess how well that worked.
Surprisingly well, actually. I didn't mean to sound sarcastic. Prayer made the electromagnet slightly more powerful, yet still not powerful enough to deflect the asteroid heading toward Earth.
We've tried everything and nothing worked. I guess we're all doomed.
Unless...
Miss Kelly, are you willing to do anything to save Earth?
Anything?
Great. Then take your clothes off and make love to me.
Quickly, there's not much time left.
Before we begin, you should take a look at some of these videos I downloaded, to get a sense of what I expect.
We've tried everything, more coils, stronger coils, newer coils, tighter coils, different material, more power, new wiring, multiple locations, prayer. Yes, we've even tried prayer. Take a guess how well that worked.
Surprisingly well, actually. I didn't mean to sound sarcastic. Prayer made the electromagnet slightly more powerful, yet still not powerful enough to deflect the asteroid heading toward Earth.
We've tried everything and nothing worked. I guess we're all doomed.
Unless...
Miss Kelly, are you willing to do anything to save Earth?
Anything?
Great. Then take your clothes off and make love to me.
Quickly, there's not much time left.
Before we begin, you should take a look at some of these videos I downloaded, to get a sense of what I expect.
Q: How can your investment strategy change as you near retirement?
A: When I was younger, my strategy was "Don't invest. Investing is for suckers. I'm not going to live past 40 anyway." I spent all my money on booze and women and drugs. I just wasted the rest of it.
I drank everything I could, smoked everything I could, snorted everything I could. I slept with anyone, man, woman, young, old, hot, plain, I didn't care. I slept with anything, sex-dolls, goats, fish, computers, vacuum cleaners. I didn't care. I wanted to do it all. I figured I'd experience everything life had to offer or die trying.
Well, I've pretty much done it all. And I'm not dead. Thanks to advances in modern medicine, I have a new liver, heart, spleen, lungs, kidneys and stomach. They took the stomach from a cow. It's a freaking miracle.
I shouldn't be alive right now. Seriously, I shouldn't. I haven't saved any money. I don't know how I am going to pay for all this. I didn't think things through.
So these days I have a new investment strategy. I plan to get a job as a security guard at a big corporation, slip and fall down some stairs, and collect a huge settlement. I have a big interview today. Wish me luck.
Excuse me?
What?
Seriously?
This is the interview? I'm having it right now?
What time is it?
Where did the day go?
What did I do all day?
How did I get here?
I probably shouldn't have told you about that settlement plan. That seems like a mistake.
Boy, untreated syphilis really does a number on the old noggin.
I drank everything I could, smoked everything I could, snorted everything I could. I slept with anyone, man, woman, young, old, hot, plain, I didn't care. I slept with anything, sex-dolls, goats, fish, computers, vacuum cleaners. I didn't care. I wanted to do it all. I figured I'd experience everything life had to offer or die trying.
Well, I've pretty much done it all. And I'm not dead. Thanks to advances in modern medicine, I have a new liver, heart, spleen, lungs, kidneys and stomach. They took the stomach from a cow. It's a freaking miracle.
I shouldn't be alive right now. Seriously, I shouldn't. I haven't saved any money. I don't know how I am going to pay for all this. I didn't think things through.
So these days I have a new investment strategy. I plan to get a job as a security guard at a big corporation, slip and fall down some stairs, and collect a huge settlement. I have a big interview today. Wish me luck.
Excuse me?
What?
Seriously?
This is the interview? I'm having it right now?
What time is it?
Where did the day go?
What did I do all day?
How did I get here?
I probably shouldn't have told you about that settlement plan. That seems like a mistake.
Boy, untreated syphilis really does a number on the old noggin.
Q: Are deers territorial?
A: You are thinking of bears.
Bears are territorial. They protect their land. They protect their loved ones.
If they feel threatened, or provoked, they will attack with deadly force.
Deers are peaceful creatures, who tend to roam the woods, looking for new sources of food. If they feel threatened, they will run. If they feel provoked, they will run. Deers never hurt anybody.
A bear killed your sister. A bear.
Not a deer.
A bear.
You can kill all the deer you want, but you're never going to avenge her death.
I can't believe your father told you it was a deer. I don't know what is wrong with him. He's so unstable. He's been acting so erratic ever since I left him to be on that reality show. You're not safe with him anymore. I'm going to file for full custody.
Just as soon as I get back from Vegas!
Out you go. Tell your Dad I said "hi." And tell him about your new uncles, and all the fun you hear Mommy having with them when you're supposed to be sleeping.
Let me know if he cries.
Bears are territorial. They protect their land. They protect their loved ones.
If they feel threatened, or provoked, they will attack with deadly force.
Deers are peaceful creatures, who tend to roam the woods, looking for new sources of food. If they feel threatened, they will run. If they feel provoked, they will run. Deers never hurt anybody.
A bear killed your sister. A bear.
Not a deer.
A bear.
You can kill all the deer you want, but you're never going to avenge her death.
I can't believe your father told you it was a deer. I don't know what is wrong with him. He's so unstable. He's been acting so erratic ever since I left him to be on that reality show. You're not safe with him anymore. I'm going to file for full custody.
Just as soon as I get back from Vegas!
Out you go. Tell your Dad I said "hi." And tell him about your new uncles, and all the fun you hear Mommy having with them when you're supposed to be sleeping.
Let me know if he cries.
Q: How much do you make hourly?
A: I can make anywhere from $10 to $40 an hour, depending on the number of calls I take, the length of the calls, and the location of the calls.
I get a higher commission on international calls. But since we had our reservation recognized as a sovereign nation, every call is technically international. My uncle thought of that. He's also the one who hired me. He's a pretty nice guy, but he can be kind of a dick when the Sooners lose.
All in all, it's a pretty good gig. The hours aren't bad, I don't have to worry about office politics because there's really no office, just a supply closet, and as long as I answer the phone by the fifth ring, my uncle won't throw a chair at my head. There's no benefits, but I make enough to make ends me, with enough left over to go out every once in a while and buy myself something nice. Last week, I bought a new Gucci bag. It's a knock off, but you can't tell. I love it!
So, do you want me to talk dirty now, or should I tell you some more shopping stories?
I get a higher commission on international calls. But since we had our reservation recognized as a sovereign nation, every call is technically international. My uncle thought of that. He's also the one who hired me. He's a pretty nice guy, but he can be kind of a dick when the Sooners lose.
All in all, it's a pretty good gig. The hours aren't bad, I don't have to worry about office politics because there's really no office, just a supply closet, and as long as I answer the phone by the fifth ring, my uncle won't throw a chair at my head. There's no benefits, but I make enough to make ends me, with enough left over to go out every once in a while and buy myself something nice. Last week, I bought a new Gucci bag. It's a knock off, but you can't tell. I love it!
So, do you want me to talk dirty now, or should I tell you some more shopping stories?
Monday, January 24, 2011
Q: Why won't my wife wear her wedding rings in the house?
A: You are in the wrong house.
That is not your wife.
That's why she's screaming. And crying. And throwing things at you.
Stop trying to re-propose. You're making it worse.
That is not your wife.
That's why she's screaming. And crying. And throwing things at you.
Stop trying to re-propose. You're making it worse.
Q: How do you put a colony on Mars?
A: First, we send over architects and contractors, to build homes and offices and amusement parks.
The amusement parks are key. They give the kids something to do. And they are very lucrative.
Once that's all set up, which should take a couple years, we start holding raffles on Earth. Five thousand dollars a ticket and twelve lucky winners, and their families get to colonize Mars.
They'll fly out there, settle in and start a new life. Soon, more raffles will be held and more people will follow.
After a few years, we'll stop the raffles and just open up the border. By that point, there should be enough of an infrastructure to support the millions of new immigrants.
We should have enough apartments and farms and cops and brothels and casinos to squeeze these people out of every nickel and dime they have. Then, once they are broke, they'll basically be our slaves. What are they gonna do? Build their own rocket and fly back to Earth? I don't think so.
Yup, colonizing Mars will be a goldmine. I thought of everything.
Well, almost everything.
It has come to my attention that the atmosphere of Mars is rather ... Inhospitable.
People can't breathe the air. There's no air to breathe, really.
Our first team of contractors and architects quickly choked and died. I guess some even exploded. Something to do with the lack of air pressure.
I don't really understand all the details. I am an entrepreneur, not a scientist.
That's why I need this loan. I need to buy some space suits for the next team of architects and contractors. And I'm going to need them by noon tomorrow. So, if you could just approve the loan right now, that would be great.
I'll wait.
The amusement parks are key. They give the kids something to do. And they are very lucrative.
Once that's all set up, which should take a couple years, we start holding raffles on Earth. Five thousand dollars a ticket and twelve lucky winners, and their families get to colonize Mars.
They'll fly out there, settle in and start a new life. Soon, more raffles will be held and more people will follow.
After a few years, we'll stop the raffles and just open up the border. By that point, there should be enough of an infrastructure to support the millions of new immigrants.
We should have enough apartments and farms and cops and brothels and casinos to squeeze these people out of every nickel and dime they have. Then, once they are broke, they'll basically be our slaves. What are they gonna do? Build their own rocket and fly back to Earth? I don't think so.
Yup, colonizing Mars will be a goldmine. I thought of everything.
Well, almost everything.
It has come to my attention that the atmosphere of Mars is rather ... Inhospitable.
People can't breathe the air. There's no air to breathe, really.
Our first team of contractors and architects quickly choked and died. I guess some even exploded. Something to do with the lack of air pressure.
I don't really understand all the details. I am an entrepreneur, not a scientist.
That's why I need this loan. I need to buy some space suits for the next team of architects and contractors. And I'm going to need them by noon tomorrow. So, if you could just approve the loan right now, that would be great.
I'll wait.
Q: Can you pull a ligament in your knee while doing a front handspring?
A: You probably can. But you'd need a reason to do a front handspring.
Like scoring a touchdown.
Judging by the way you're throwing the ball, that's probably not going to happen.
Look, Jay, if you want to come out of the game that badly, you don't have to actually injure yourself. Just say your knee hurts. Quarterbacks get hit on nearly every play. Just start limping around, then at halftime, tell the trainer that your knee really hurts. When they bend it and poke at it, just wince and moan a lot and tell them it really, really hurts.
Oh, and insist on playing. Say you really want to play. That way no one will suspect that you don't actually want to play. That you would rather hide in the dark and sob.
No matter what you do, keep limping. They're never let you play if you can't put weight on that knee.
Then you can spend the rest of the time on the sideline, all to yourself. That way you don't have to worry about all those mean fans booing you and yelling at you and expect you to care about a game they're only paying you a few million dollars to play. You can even keep wearing your uniform, so you still feel like part of the team.
And I promise, not matter what happens, win or lose, I'll take you to get ice cream.
Like scoring a touchdown.
Judging by the way you're throwing the ball, that's probably not going to happen.
Look, Jay, if you want to come out of the game that badly, you don't have to actually injure yourself. Just say your knee hurts. Quarterbacks get hit on nearly every play. Just start limping around, then at halftime, tell the trainer that your knee really hurts. When they bend it and poke at it, just wince and moan a lot and tell them it really, really hurts.
Oh, and insist on playing. Say you really want to play. That way no one will suspect that you don't actually want to play. That you would rather hide in the dark and sob.
No matter what you do, keep limping. They're never let you play if you can't put weight on that knee.
Then you can spend the rest of the time on the sideline, all to yourself. That way you don't have to worry about all those mean fans booing you and yelling at you and expect you to care about a game they're only paying you a few million dollars to play. You can even keep wearing your uniform, so you still feel like part of the team.
And I promise, not matter what happens, win or lose, I'll take you to get ice cream.
Q: Why is the left ventricle of the heart bigger than the right side?
A: You have a bullet lodged in there. That's also why it's bleeding.
I told you to grab a vest before we left the station. But you wouldn't listen.
I told you to wait for my signal before charging in the house. Again, not good at listening.
And I'm pretty sure I told you to seek cover when the shooting starts, to hide behind a door, or flip over a table. I'm pretty sure I didn't tell you to dive through the window, scream, then stand in the middle of the room firing your gun in every direction.
I have to admit, it was pretty funny when you dove through that window and yelled "Supplies!"
We all got a good laugh out of that. We tell that joke all the time down at the station.
Those drug dealers were pretty surprised, too. Not as surprised as you were, once you realized we had loaded your gun with blanks.
I probably should have told you about that. We don't allow civilians to carry loaded weapons. Department policy. Sorry about that.
Of all the actors we've had ride along with us to research a role, you are the most fun. And the best cop.
Your ridiculous heroics created enough of a distraction that we were able to enter, through the back door, and take out those drug dealers, without a single shot fired.
Except for all those shots they fired at you.
Nevertheless, we're all really proud of you. Your heroism will not go unnoticed. The Commissioner plans to give you a medal.
Posthumously, of course.
I told you to grab a vest before we left the station. But you wouldn't listen.
I told you to wait for my signal before charging in the house. Again, not good at listening.
And I'm pretty sure I told you to seek cover when the shooting starts, to hide behind a door, or flip over a table. I'm pretty sure I didn't tell you to dive through the window, scream, then stand in the middle of the room firing your gun in every direction.
I have to admit, it was pretty funny when you dove through that window and yelled "Supplies!"
We all got a good laugh out of that. We tell that joke all the time down at the station.
Those drug dealers were pretty surprised, too. Not as surprised as you were, once you realized we had loaded your gun with blanks.
I probably should have told you about that. We don't allow civilians to carry loaded weapons. Department policy. Sorry about that.
Of all the actors we've had ride along with us to research a role, you are the most fun. And the best cop.
Your ridiculous heroics created enough of a distraction that we were able to enter, through the back door, and take out those drug dealers, without a single shot fired.
Except for all those shots they fired at you.
Nevertheless, we're all really proud of you. Your heroism will not go unnoticed. The Commissioner plans to give you a medal.
Posthumously, of course.
Q: What is the order in which water erosion occur?
A: First the rains come. Then the sinners and evildoers, murders and pimps, rapists and whores get washed away.
Then the loose sediment.
Then the trees and the shrubs, the cars and the buses, the beasts that walk on land, the serpents and the trash cans.
The water destroys everything above the ground, drowns all who cannot swim.
Eventually, the water eats away at the buildings and the bridges, the homes and the towers. Everything built by man gets wiped out.
All that remains are the birds in the sky, and the fish in the sea.
And, of course, the mermen. And the mermaids.
People used to laugh when I began to have sex with fish. They thought my plan to create a race of men-fish hybrids, to rule the post-flood world, was absurd.
I don't hear anyone laughing now.
Oh.
The rain stopped.
That wasn't even an inch.
And I hear them laughing again.
Then the loose sediment.
Then the trees and the shrubs, the cars and the buses, the beasts that walk on land, the serpents and the trash cans.
The water destroys everything above the ground, drowns all who cannot swim.
Eventually, the water eats away at the buildings and the bridges, the homes and the towers. Everything built by man gets wiped out.
All that remains are the birds in the sky, and the fish in the sea.
And, of course, the mermen. And the mermaids.
People used to laugh when I began to have sex with fish. They thought my plan to create a race of men-fish hybrids, to rule the post-flood world, was absurd.
I don't hear anyone laughing now.
Oh.
The rain stopped.
That wasn't even an inch.
And I hear them laughing again.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Q: What is the name of the grid system used to plot points on a globe?
A: That's a proprietary device I invented, for use in planning world domination.
I call it the Dominatron 2120.
Everything's always named 2000 this or something 3000. I wanted to mix it up.
I have no intention of selling it. It's mostly for personal use.
As you can see, the grid fits nicely over any standard globe hologram.
The green triangles indicate my various subterranean lairs.
The red circles are cities where I control the government.
The blue squares show the deployment of my gorilla army.
The black hearts?
Those must be smudges.
Damn.
I thought I turned those off.
You weren't supposed to see them.
Okay, fine.
Those are the homes of girls who I fancied in high school and college.
Please don't write about that in your article.
I'd hate to lose the respect of the entire megalomaniac community.
They all do it for money and power. I just want to make some girls jealous.
Seriously, who wouldn't love a man who controls a whole gorilla army?
I mentioned that the gorillas ride on rhinos, right?
Make sure you put that in your article.
And make sure you send a copy to the Ithaca College Alumni Association. And the Mount Greylock Regional High School Facebook page.
I call it the Dominatron 2120.
Everything's always named 2000 this or something 3000. I wanted to mix it up.
I have no intention of selling it. It's mostly for personal use.
As you can see, the grid fits nicely over any standard globe hologram.
The green triangles indicate my various subterranean lairs.
The red circles are cities where I control the government.
The blue squares show the deployment of my gorilla army.
The black hearts?
Those must be smudges.
Damn.
I thought I turned those off.
You weren't supposed to see them.
Okay, fine.
Those are the homes of girls who I fancied in high school and college.
Please don't write about that in your article.
I'd hate to lose the respect of the entire megalomaniac community.
They all do it for money and power. I just want to make some girls jealous.
Seriously, who wouldn't love a man who controls a whole gorilla army?
I mentioned that the gorillas ride on rhinos, right?
Make sure you put that in your article.
And make sure you send a copy to the Ithaca College Alumni Association. And the Mount Greylock Regional High School Facebook page.
Q: What parts of the pumpkin do you eat?
A: I don't eat any of it. I don't have any teeth. Or a jaw. Or a head. That's why I wear this pumpkin. Because I don't have a head.
This isn't a mask. It's a replacement head. It comes off. See?
I can throw it, to scare timid schoolteachers and such. Or to play tricks on friends. If I had any friends. It's hard to make friends when you're a centuries old Hessian solider cursed to travel the land and haunt the living. I try to make friends, but people usually get freaked out and run away. Because I don't have a head.
Honestly, this is the longest conversation I've ever had with someone.I'm not even sure how I am talking. I don't have a mouth. The mouth is part of the head. I don't have a head.
Headless, I am.
Yet somehow, I am able to talk. You're so easy to talk to. You're such a good listener. I think we could have something really special.
Soooo, what do you do when you're not hanging out in this field scaring away crows?
This isn't a mask. It's a replacement head. It comes off. See?
I can throw it, to scare timid schoolteachers and such. Or to play tricks on friends. If I had any friends. It's hard to make friends when you're a centuries old Hessian solider cursed to travel the land and haunt the living. I try to make friends, but people usually get freaked out and run away. Because I don't have a head.
Honestly, this is the longest conversation I've ever had with someone.I'm not even sure how I am talking. I don't have a mouth. The mouth is part of the head. I don't have a head.
Headless, I am.
Yet somehow, I am able to talk. You're so easy to talk to. You're such a good listener. I think we could have something really special.
Soooo, what do you do when you're not hanging out in this field scaring away crows?
Q: What do the Miranda rights guarantee?
A: I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but you seem like a nice guy. You kind of remind me of me at that age.
You see that girl over there? That gorgeous redhead? The one with the legs that go all the way up and that chest that seems to have been sculpted by the hand of God himself?
That's Miranda.
If you tell me the truth about what happened, you have the right to have sex with her.
And she will do anything.
Anything.
She loves it.
Did I mention that she used to do porn?
But not for too long. She got kicked out, for being too freaky. The other girls couldn't compete, so they had her blacklisted.
So, why don't you start from the beginning?
Start by telling me why you chose to invade this particular home.
You see that girl over there? That gorgeous redhead? The one with the legs that go all the way up and that chest that seems to have been sculpted by the hand of God himself?
That's Miranda.
If you tell me the truth about what happened, you have the right to have sex with her.
And she will do anything.
Anything.
She loves it.
Did I mention that she used to do porn?
But not for too long. She got kicked out, for being too freaky. The other girls couldn't compete, so they had her blacklisted.
So, why don't you start from the beginning?
Start by telling me why you chose to invade this particular home.
Q: What is a rabbit's classification?
A: Son, we classify rabbits as prey.
Or food.
Occasionally pets.
Not lovers.
Never lovers.
The phrase, "fuck like rabbits," refers to their ability to reproduce quickly, not their sexual prowess.
I guess we won't be having rabbit stew for dinner.
Or food.
Occasionally pets.
Not lovers.
Never lovers.
The phrase, "fuck like rabbits," refers to their ability to reproduce quickly, not their sexual prowess.
I guess we won't be having rabbit stew for dinner.
Q: Where do people get cigarettes?
A: You'll come to understand that life in here is much different than life on the outside. You can't just walk up to the corner store and buy a pack of cigarettes whenever you feel like it. There's no store, we don't have any money, and we can't come and go as we please.
Sometimes, it feels like a prison in here.
That's a little joke we all like to use. You'll find it funny eventually.
A lot of guys have their loved ones bring them cigarettes when they visit. That's okay.
That's probably going to be a problem for you, since you killed your whole family with that lawnmower. I wouldn't imagine the in-laws would be too excited to drop off a carton when they're in the area.
Other guys just take cigarettes from weaker inmates.You need to be really tough to pull that one off. Again, not really an option for you. If you could fight, you'd probably still have shoes, and a belt, and socks, and teeth.
There's one last scenario that might work for you. I have to admit, it's not fun. You'll need this lipstick. And this makeup. And this wig. And an ability to find a happy place.
The good news is that you're about to have a lot of cigarettes. You'll be showered with them. You'll also be showered with something else. Something far less appealing.
You might want to start trying to find that happy place now.
Sometimes, it feels like a prison in here.
That's a little joke we all like to use. You'll find it funny eventually.
A lot of guys have their loved ones bring them cigarettes when they visit. That's okay.
That's probably going to be a problem for you, since you killed your whole family with that lawnmower. I wouldn't imagine the in-laws would be too excited to drop off a carton when they're in the area.
Other guys just take cigarettes from weaker inmates.You need to be really tough to pull that one off. Again, not really an option for you. If you could fight, you'd probably still have shoes, and a belt, and socks, and teeth.
There's one last scenario that might work for you. I have to admit, it's not fun. You'll need this lipstick. And this makeup. And this wig. And an ability to find a happy place.
The good news is that you're about to have a lot of cigarettes. You'll be showered with them. You'll also be showered with something else. Something far less appealing.
You might want to start trying to find that happy place now.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Q: How is the horse race purse split?
A: 50% goes to the owner of the horse.
25% goes to the trainer.
15% goes to the jockey.
10% goes to the little man who lives in the jockey's head and controls his every moment with an elaborate system of pulleys.
25% goes to the trainer.
15% goes to the jockey.
10% goes to the little man who lives in the jockey's head and controls his every moment with an elaborate system of pulleys.
Q: What does it mean when a guy told the teacher about taking you in a romantic place?
A: The entire faculty knows that you are really easy and have a fetish for teachers.
You haven't exactly been hiding it.
You constantly flirt with the teachers.
And moan in ecstasy whenever they say your name.
Then you made that website, TeachersIveBangedAndHopeToBang.Com.
And the accompanying desk calendar. I bet that was a hot seller.
The whole little school girl thing was cute for a while, sexy even.
But it's time to face facts.
You are a 48 year old student at a community college.
And that uniform really doesn't fit anymore.
You haven't exactly been hiding it.
You constantly flirt with the teachers.
And moan in ecstasy whenever they say your name.
Then you made that website, TeachersIveBangedAndHopeToBang.Com.
And the accompanying desk calendar. I bet that was a hot seller.
The whole little school girl thing was cute for a while, sexy even.
But it's time to face facts.
You are a 48 year old student at a community college.
And that uniform really doesn't fit anymore.
Q: Is broken colored glass good luck?
A: Not for that church you just vandalized.
Nor for you, your loved ones, your friends, and your family, for generations to come.
When you threw that rock, you angered Jesus.
You won't like Jesus when he's angry.
He holds a grudge, and he's coming after you.
He's been watching a lot of UFC, so he knows all kinds of new chokes and kicks.
I would advise you to start running, but that advise is largely useless.
Jesus is also super fast.
Don't bother praying. He doesn't answer prayers. You're thinking of his father.
Nor for you, your loved ones, your friends, and your family, for generations to come.
When you threw that rock, you angered Jesus.
You won't like Jesus when he's angry.
He holds a grudge, and he's coming after you.
He's been watching a lot of UFC, so he knows all kinds of new chokes and kicks.
I would advise you to start running, but that advise is largely useless.
Jesus is also super fast.
Don't bother praying. He doesn't answer prayers. You're thinking of his father.
Q: Is it a conflict of interest to treat the same patient if you are both a PT and RN?
A: You're not in trouble for your work as a therapist, or a nurse. There's no problem with you treating the injuries and helping patients rehab.
The problems is with you causing the injuries.
We appreciate all the work you've done drumming up business for the hospital. All the late night muggings. All those safe dropped from the top floor. All those booby traps.
However, it has come to my attention that those activities, which have resulted in dozens of very serious, yet highly lucrative injuries, are illegal.
Highly illegal.
Batman villain level illegal.
At this time, I would like to point out that while I may have encouraged you to injure people so they would need our care, I never put anything in writing. You are the one who has done all the actual, physical damage. Your word alone will not stand up in court.
Thank you for all your hard work. Please enjoy your severance package, a carton of cigarettes. You'll probably need that where you are going.
The problems is with you causing the injuries.
We appreciate all the work you've done drumming up business for the hospital. All the late night muggings. All those safe dropped from the top floor. All those booby traps.
However, it has come to my attention that those activities, which have resulted in dozens of very serious, yet highly lucrative injuries, are illegal.
Highly illegal.
Batman villain level illegal.
At this time, I would like to point out that while I may have encouraged you to injure people so they would need our care, I never put anything in writing. You are the one who has done all the actual, physical damage. Your word alone will not stand up in court.
Thank you for all your hard work. Please enjoy your severance package, a carton of cigarettes. You'll probably need that where you are going.
Q: Can the judge who signed the warrant for the defendant be the judge at his trial?
A: You know what? That's an excellent question!
I will absolutely look into that. I should probably know the answer. It may come in handy at your trial.
I'm going to be honest with you, I've had a hard time focusing lately. My work's been real sloppy.
I'm so nervous. I've never tried a criminal case before.
I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I have never been in court before.
I really shouldn't tell you this, but I never passed the bar exam. I never took it. I'm not a lawyer.
A few years ago, you'll appreciate this one, because you're a criminal, I was going through a really rough stretch. Broke. Divorced. Miserable. Drunk all the time. Just hating life. I stopped my car at a gas station, where I couldn't even afford one gallon. Not one. I was that broke.
There was a guy there, at the next pump, real nice car, dressed real sharp. Had a real fancy watch. When he finished pumping gas, he had to use the bathroom. He left his car unlocked, with the keys in it.
Well, one thing led to another and I followed that man into the bathroom, strangled him, stole his clothes, his watch and his car. Turns out, he was on his way to LA to start work with a new law firm. They'd never seen him before. No idea what he looked like.
After I'd stolen so much, stealing his identity made perfect sense.
Now don't freak out, I've picked up quite a few tidbits about the law over the past few years. I watch a lot of Boston Legal. You should be fine.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to use the bathroom. This judge gives me a hard time when he smells booze on my breath.
I will absolutely look into that. I should probably know the answer. It may come in handy at your trial.
I'm going to be honest with you, I've had a hard time focusing lately. My work's been real sloppy.
I'm so nervous. I've never tried a criminal case before.
I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I have never been in court before.
I really shouldn't tell you this, but I never passed the bar exam. I never took it. I'm not a lawyer.
A few years ago, you'll appreciate this one, because you're a criminal, I was going through a really rough stretch. Broke. Divorced. Miserable. Drunk all the time. Just hating life. I stopped my car at a gas station, where I couldn't even afford one gallon. Not one. I was that broke.
There was a guy there, at the next pump, real nice car, dressed real sharp. Had a real fancy watch. When he finished pumping gas, he had to use the bathroom. He left his car unlocked, with the keys in it.
Well, one thing led to another and I followed that man into the bathroom, strangled him, stole his clothes, his watch and his car. Turns out, he was on his way to LA to start work with a new law firm. They'd never seen him before. No idea what he looked like.
After I'd stolen so much, stealing his identity made perfect sense.
Now don't freak out, I've picked up quite a few tidbits about the law over the past few years. I watch a lot of Boston Legal. You should be fine.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to use the bathroom. This judge gives me a hard time when he smells booze on my breath.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Q: How do you become popular with your friends?
A: There's no better way to be popular, and stay popular, than by giving your friends really nice presents.
Look, you're the new kid in town, and you seem nice, but people haven't made up their mind about you yet. I can help you change that. The most important thing is to let people into your home, throw lots of parties and, make people feel really - Hey - Is that a samuari sword?
Yeah, I'm going to need that.
Your dad can get you a new one when he goes back to Japan.
Then your Mom can marry someone new and he can go to Japan. She's very attractive. I don't care how you get a new sword, as long as I get that one.
I thought you wanted me to be your friend.
I thought you wanted to be popular.
You're going need to loosen up if you want to be popular. You can't be all shy and defensive and feeling sorry for yourself about your dead father and expect people to like you.
So, about that sword?
Awesome. You're going to be super popular. I'll bring some friends over tomorrow. They have great taste, so you better have some nice stuff to give them. Like maybe a car. Kids in this town love cool cars.
Oh, and is your mom going to be around?
Great. Make sure she wears something nice.
Look, you're the new kid in town, and you seem nice, but people haven't made up their mind about you yet. I can help you change that. The most important thing is to let people into your home, throw lots of parties and, make people feel really - Hey - Is that a samuari sword?
Yeah, I'm going to need that.
Your dad can get you a new one when he goes back to Japan.
Then your Mom can marry someone new and he can go to Japan. She's very attractive. I don't care how you get a new sword, as long as I get that one.
I thought you wanted me to be your friend.
I thought you wanted to be popular.
You're going need to loosen up if you want to be popular. You can't be all shy and defensive and feeling sorry for yourself about your dead father and expect people to like you.
So, about that sword?
Awesome. You're going to be super popular. I'll bring some friends over tomorrow. They have great taste, so you better have some nice stuff to give them. Like maybe a car. Kids in this town love cool cars.
Oh, and is your mom going to be around?
Great. Make sure she wears something nice.
Q: What is the meaning of idiom bore away?
A: I have no idea, but at this point I'm sick of hearing it.
Over and over again, night after night.
"Bore away!"
"Bore away!"
Your ex-wife really has a fetish for oilmen. Every other word out of her mouth is "Drill" this and "Bore" that and "Deeper" everything.
It must have been exhausting to be married to her. No wonder you left her.
I had no idea you were still married.
That would explain all those pictures of you around the house.
I assumed you had a highly amicable divorce.
You know what happens when you assume? You make an ass out yourself by telling a co-worker that you've been having an affair with his wife.
I wish you had said something earlier. At least before I went into all that detail. And showed you all those pictures.
Over and over again, night after night.
"Bore away!"
"Bore away!"
Your ex-wife really has a fetish for oilmen. Every other word out of her mouth is "Drill" this and "Bore" that and "Deeper" everything.
It must have been exhausting to be married to her. No wonder you left her.
I had no idea you were still married.
That would explain all those pictures of you around the house.
I assumed you had a highly amicable divorce.
You know what happens when you assume? You make an ass out yourself by telling a co-worker that you've been having an affair with his wife.
I wish you had said something earlier. At least before I went into all that detail. And showed you all those pictures.
Q: What might hinder this unity?
A: That alien, that ... Thing from another world can shapeshift, and take the form of any man, any animal, even any plant.
Any one of us could be the alien.
It could be you, Jacobs. That would explain why we lost power. Only you have access to the grid. But you've never left this room. You've always been with someone else. It's unlikely that you are the alien.
Meyers, you were missing for nearly a day. I'm not sure I buy your story that you were obsessively masturbating to an old copy of Newsweek. Although you story is so pathetic that it's likely true. Still, I'm keeping my eye on you. I'm probably never shaking your hand again. Or letting you borrow a magazine.
Hudson, you could be the alien. You are the one who insisted on burning all the food in an effort to starve the alien. The alien does not appear to be starving. It's still killing people. We, however, are starving, thanks to your terrible plan. In retrospect, you are rather dim-witted, and your ideas and suggestions are often moronic. I'm not sure why we listened to you. I guess we were all rather traumatized seeing the alien kill Geary right in front of us. We all lost our heads there for a bit. Not literally, like Geary. More in a figurative sense. That's probably why we followed to your asinine plan. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Let's be honest, anyone of us could be the alien. That's going to make it really hard for us to trust each other.
Although, the more that I think about it, I'm pretty sure Denise is the alien. That would explain why she ate the dogs. And why she's been breathing fire. And why she hasn't worn any clothes for the past two days despite the sub-zero temperature. And why when I made love to her last night, her vagina was filled with row after row of razor sharp teeth.
Yup, that last thing should have been a dead giveaway. Denise is the alien all right. I didn't want to accept it, because of my feelings for her.
I guess we'll douse her with gasoline and set her on fire while she's sleeping.
But, if you guys don't mind, I'd like a moment alone with her, to say goodbye.
Does anyone happen to have an iron condom?
Any one of us could be the alien.
It could be you, Jacobs. That would explain why we lost power. Only you have access to the grid. But you've never left this room. You've always been with someone else. It's unlikely that you are the alien.
Meyers, you were missing for nearly a day. I'm not sure I buy your story that you were obsessively masturbating to an old copy of Newsweek. Although you story is so pathetic that it's likely true. Still, I'm keeping my eye on you. I'm probably never shaking your hand again. Or letting you borrow a magazine.
Hudson, you could be the alien. You are the one who insisted on burning all the food in an effort to starve the alien. The alien does not appear to be starving. It's still killing people. We, however, are starving, thanks to your terrible plan. In retrospect, you are rather dim-witted, and your ideas and suggestions are often moronic. I'm not sure why we listened to you. I guess we were all rather traumatized seeing the alien kill Geary right in front of us. We all lost our heads there for a bit. Not literally, like Geary. More in a figurative sense. That's probably why we followed to your asinine plan. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Let's be honest, anyone of us could be the alien. That's going to make it really hard for us to trust each other.
Although, the more that I think about it, I'm pretty sure Denise is the alien. That would explain why she ate the dogs. And why she's been breathing fire. And why she hasn't worn any clothes for the past two days despite the sub-zero temperature. And why when I made love to her last night, her vagina was filled with row after row of razor sharp teeth.
Yup, that last thing should have been a dead giveaway. Denise is the alien all right. I didn't want to accept it, because of my feelings for her.
I guess we'll douse her with gasoline and set her on fire while she's sleeping.
But, if you guys don't mind, I'd like a moment alone with her, to say goodbye.
Does anyone happen to have an iron condom?
Q: Can i have some information on the blitz please?
A: When unexpected players rush the passer, we call it a blitz. A cornerback could blitz. Or a safety. Or a linebacker.
A blitz could come from anywhere, at any time. That's why you always have to be ready to block. If you don't pick up the blitz, that is, block the unexpected pass rusher, our quarterback will be tackled and possibly injured. We don't want that to happen.
Like I said, any player could blitz at any time. They don't have to announce themselves. They don't have to raise their hands before the play. They don't have to shout "blitz!"
They don't have to count any Mississippi's.
This is the NFL. No one has to count Mississippi's in the NFL.
I don't think this "Let Your Daughter Play Fullback" promotion will be as successful as management hopes.
A blitz could come from anywhere, at any time. That's why you always have to be ready to block. If you don't pick up the blitz, that is, block the unexpected pass rusher, our quarterback will be tackled and possibly injured. We don't want that to happen.
Like I said, any player could blitz at any time. They don't have to announce themselves. They don't have to raise their hands before the play. They don't have to shout "blitz!"
They don't have to count any Mississippi's.
This is the NFL. No one has to count Mississippi's in the NFL.
I don't think this "Let Your Daughter Play Fullback" promotion will be as successful as management hopes.
Q: How does the story lord of the flies end?
A: With that rag-tag gang of misfits setting aside their differences, coming together as a team, and putting on the bake sale of the century to raise money for tickets home.
At least, I assume that's how it ends.
I never actually read the whole thing.
I wanted to read it, I really did. But once they killed that pig and put the pig's head on a stake, my mind began to wander. I got to thinking.
I got to thinking about bacon. How I love the taste. How I love the smell. How there isn't a problem in the world that can't be fixed with a generous helping of bacon.
At this point, I closed the book and opened a package of bacon. Wonderful, salty bacon.
Then I made myself a plate of bacon. Crispy, delicious bacon.
Then another.
Then another.
Then one more, for good measure.
That's about the time I blacked out.
My doctor tells me I'm going to be in some fancy medical journals, the first ever case of "Pork Blindness" on record.
Once I get my sight back, I intend to finish that book. Then I'll know how it really ends.
Right after I have a nice bacon sandwich.
They're pretty strict about my diet here.
At least, I assume that's how it ends.
I never actually read the whole thing.
I wanted to read it, I really did. But once they killed that pig and put the pig's head on a stake, my mind began to wander. I got to thinking.
I got to thinking about bacon. How I love the taste. How I love the smell. How there isn't a problem in the world that can't be fixed with a generous helping of bacon.
At this point, I closed the book and opened a package of bacon. Wonderful, salty bacon.
Then I made myself a plate of bacon. Crispy, delicious bacon.
Then another.
Then another.
Then one more, for good measure.
That's about the time I blacked out.
My doctor tells me I'm going to be in some fancy medical journals, the first ever case of "Pork Blindness" on record.
Once I get my sight back, I intend to finish that book. Then I'll know how it really ends.
Right after I have a nice bacon sandwich.
They're pretty strict about my diet here.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Q: How do you know is a guy likes you or just wants to be buds?
A: If a man is interested on you on a romantic level, he will say things like:
"You are the prettiest girl in here. Oh, wait. I didn't see her. You're still cool though."
Or:
"You dress really slutty for such a cute girl. You must have the lowest self esteem. Can I buy you several drinks?"
Or:
"You have the most amazing laugh. I can't wait to hear it when you see my penis."
Or:
"You're so easy to talk to. Most of the girls I see are usually so quiet. And still. And cold. "
Or:
"I wish this night would never end. My trial starts tomorrow."
Or:
"You're so real. Most of the girls in here are so phony, like the Holocaust."
Or:
"That's a beautiful dress. It will look amazing held up in court as a piece of evidence."
"You are the prettiest girl in here. Oh, wait. I didn't see her. You're still cool though."
Or:
"You dress really slutty for such a cute girl. You must have the lowest self esteem. Can I buy you several drinks?"
Or:
"You have the most amazing laugh. I can't wait to hear it when you see my penis."
Or:
"You're so easy to talk to. Most of the girls I see are usually so quiet. And still. And cold. "
Or:
"I wish this night would never end. My trial starts tomorrow."
Or:
"You're so real. Most of the girls in here are so phony, like the Holocaust."
Or:
"That's a beautiful dress. It will look amazing held up in court as a piece of evidence."
Q: Are dog genitals naturally clean?
A: Not really. That's why dogs spend so much time licking them.
The dogs can handle it.
Seriously, they got it.
They don't need your help.
Please stop.
We're trying to eat.
The dogs can handle it.
Seriously, they got it.
They don't need your help.
Please stop.
We're trying to eat.
Q: How does the climate in japan effect the people?
A: Sometimes the sun shines brightly, and the warm air flows through the cities, and the fields, and the people are happy, and joyous, and glad to be alive.
Other times, dark clouds form, and rain pounds the streets, and the countryside, and the people get a little sad, and they stay indoors for a while.
Occasionally, years after a sneak attack on a U.S. army base, the sky whistles and burns, and the air gets hot, incredibly hot, and everything incinerates, and many people die.
Then, to understand and explain how such horrible destruction could be visited on so many innocent people, the people of Japan create Godzilla. And they are again happy for a while. Until the Americans involve Matthew Broderick and Hank Azaria and ruin everything all over again.
Other times, dark clouds form, and rain pounds the streets, and the countryside, and the people get a little sad, and they stay indoors for a while.
Occasionally, years after a sneak attack on a U.S. army base, the sky whistles and burns, and the air gets hot, incredibly hot, and everything incinerates, and many people die.
Then, to understand and explain how such horrible destruction could be visited on so many innocent people, the people of Japan create Godzilla. And they are again happy for a while. Until the Americans involve Matthew Broderick and Hank Azaria and ruin everything all over again.
Q: What dose the word polar mean?
A: Sometimes, the word refers to the poles of the earth. The north and south poles. The top and bottom of the world.
In your case, we use the term to mean "diametrically opposite." Two things that couldn't be less alike.
For instance, your moods. Sometimes you are really, really happy and energetic and driven. You want to do everything! Other times, you are really, really sad and morose and apathetic. You don't want to do anything.
We call the first mood mania and the last mood depression. Most people have those moods, and, many, many others. You only have the two moods; you are either manic or depressive. One or the other. All the time. Wildly swinging back and forth at the drop of a hat.
You are manic-depressive. When we refer to you as bi-polar, that's what we mean.
We don't mean you are like a polar bear, like that one polar bear in that Coke commercial.
It is not a term of endearment. It is a diagnosis.
Please stop giggling.
They're going to take your kids away.
In your case, we use the term to mean "diametrically opposite." Two things that couldn't be less alike.
For instance, your moods. Sometimes you are really, really happy and energetic and driven. You want to do everything! Other times, you are really, really sad and morose and apathetic. You don't want to do anything.
We call the first mood mania and the last mood depression. Most people have those moods, and, many, many others. You only have the two moods; you are either manic or depressive. One or the other. All the time. Wildly swinging back and forth at the drop of a hat.
You are manic-depressive. When we refer to you as bi-polar, that's what we mean.
We don't mean you are like a polar bear, like that one polar bear in that Coke commercial.
It is not a term of endearment. It is a diagnosis.
Please stop giggling.
They're going to take your kids away.
Q: Is Anna a saint?
A: Is that what she's been telling you?
Is that why you have been leaving those sandwiches outside her house every day?
Is that why you have been giving her your allowance every week?
Is that why you have been carrying those signs that say "St. Anna needs your help" outside her store?
Anna is not a saint. She is a drug dealer. Specifically, a pharmacist, licensed by the state of California to dispense medicinal marijuana.
She's not a saint.
She has been lying to you.
Anna's manipulating you because she can't handle the competition. I have better product, in more varieties, at better prices. She'll be out of business soon and she knows it.
She's desperate, and will do anything to survive.
I never saw this one coming. I give her credit. I never thought she'd turn my own brother against me. I thought you were hooking up with her. I didn't know you were convinced she was a saint.
Those signs should have been a hint. And all that self flagellation. And that mural you made.
I just thought she was good in bed.
Saints usually don't ask you to kill people, just so you know. That goes against the whole concept of saintliness.
It's obviously too late now, but, in the future, when a "saint" asks you to stab someone, someone like your own brother, you should stop and ask yourself "Is this something a saint would do? Am I being misled? Can I trust this person?"
Make sure you ask yourself those questions before you commence stabbing, and not after, not once you've called the saint on the phone and she laughs at you.
Is that why you have been leaving those sandwiches outside her house every day?
Is that why you have been giving her your allowance every week?
Is that why you have been carrying those signs that say "St. Anna needs your help" outside her store?
Anna is not a saint. She is a drug dealer. Specifically, a pharmacist, licensed by the state of California to dispense medicinal marijuana.
She's not a saint.
She has been lying to you.
Anna's manipulating you because she can't handle the competition. I have better product, in more varieties, at better prices. She'll be out of business soon and she knows it.
She's desperate, and will do anything to survive.
I never saw this one coming. I give her credit. I never thought she'd turn my own brother against me. I thought you were hooking up with her. I didn't know you were convinced she was a saint.
Those signs should have been a hint. And all that self flagellation. And that mural you made.
I just thought she was good in bed.
Saints usually don't ask you to kill people, just so you know. That goes against the whole concept of saintliness.
It's obviously too late now, but, in the future, when a "saint" asks you to stab someone, someone like your own brother, you should stop and ask yourself "Is this something a saint would do? Am I being misled? Can I trust this person?"
Make sure you ask yourself those questions before you commence stabbing, and not after, not once you've called the saint on the phone and she laughs at you.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Q: Why was you Love Lucy show a hit?
A: From 1951 to 1954, network television programming consisted entirely of two shows: I Love Lucy on CBS and ABC's Texaco Star Theater, hosted by Milton Berle. NBC aired a single photograph of Aldai Stevenson. reading the New York Times, from noon until 10PM every day.
Even in his heyday, people didn't really know why Milton Berle was funny. They assumed he had pictures of am ABC executive making love to a horse, or perhaps he was dying and was given a show to make him feel better.
Also, the vast majority of the nation's workforce had recently lost their jobs at the chocolate factory for being unable to keep up with the conveyor built. They could relate to I Love Lucy's stark and uncompromising vision of America.
Even in his heyday, people didn't really know why Milton Berle was funny. They assumed he had pictures of am ABC executive making love to a horse, or perhaps he was dying and was given a show to make him feel better.
Also, the vast majority of the nation's workforce had recently lost their jobs at the chocolate factory for being unable to keep up with the conveyor built. They could relate to I Love Lucy's stark and uncompromising vision of America.
Q: What are threats to the prairie ecosystem?
A: First the missionaries arrive, preaching their God and thumping their bible. Once they get enough followers, they need to build a church.
Someone needs to build that church, so carpenters roll into town, and these men need places to live, and places to eat and places to drink and places to "unwind," if you catch my drift.
Just to be clear, I'm talking about brothels.
Those gals need places to live and eat and play as well, so soon a whole town, full of businesses, and full of businessmen, has sprung up all around that little old church.
Now these businessmen are raking in money, hand over fist, and they need a place to keep it, so they open a bank. Now, once there's a bank, that means there must be someone to protect it. That means men with guns, walking the streets, shooting those deemed "criminal."
Well, the town can't just have outlaws walking the streets, accusing each other of thievery and shooting each other dead all day and all night. They need law. They need order. So they set up a proper government, with laws and courts and officials.
Soon, they're passing all kinds of laws. Soon they're making laws saying you can't shoot a man in the back, or steal a horse because it reminds him of his dead wife. Before long, they're telling a man that he can't dress his children up and make them perform Twelfth Night for weeks on end. They'll even go so far as to tell a man he can't make sweet, tender love to his own daughter, no matter how attractive she may be.
As you can see, the greatest threat to our ecosystem is man. That's why you mustn't leave the house. Ever.
Now, why don't you go along and put on that pretty new dress I bought you.
And we'll pick it up with Act IV, Scene One. Enter Sebastian and the Fool.
Go get your mother out of the stable. She'll want to see this.
Someone needs to build that church, so carpenters roll into town, and these men need places to live, and places to eat and places to drink and places to "unwind," if you catch my drift.
Just to be clear, I'm talking about brothels.
Those gals need places to live and eat and play as well, so soon a whole town, full of businesses, and full of businessmen, has sprung up all around that little old church.
Now these businessmen are raking in money, hand over fist, and they need a place to keep it, so they open a bank. Now, once there's a bank, that means there must be someone to protect it. That means men with guns, walking the streets, shooting those deemed "criminal."
Well, the town can't just have outlaws walking the streets, accusing each other of thievery and shooting each other dead all day and all night. They need law. They need order. So they set up a proper government, with laws and courts and officials.
Soon, they're passing all kinds of laws. Soon they're making laws saying you can't shoot a man in the back, or steal a horse because it reminds him of his dead wife. Before long, they're telling a man that he can't dress his children up and make them perform Twelfth Night for weeks on end. They'll even go so far as to tell a man he can't make sweet, tender love to his own daughter, no matter how attractive she may be.
As you can see, the greatest threat to our ecosystem is man. That's why you mustn't leave the house. Ever.
Now, why don't you go along and put on that pretty new dress I bought you.
And we'll pick it up with Act IV, Scene One. Enter Sebastian and the Fool.
Go get your mother out of the stable. She'll want to see this.
Q: How many times does it mention in the bible God loves you?
A: Hundreds of times.
On every page.
In big, bold, red letters.
Big, bold, red, handwritten letters. Handwritten in crayon.
Probably by my grandmother.
And sure, there are some typos. That's to be expected. She was very old. And troubled.
For instance, sometimes instead of "God," she writes "Doug." Doug was her husbands name.
And instead of "loves," she writes "hates."
And instead of "you," she writes "Jews."
But the message is still pretty clear. God loves me. And my grandmother wants me to know.
Why else would she write the inscription "There are many lessons in here. Learn them. Save yourself"?
And why else would she give me this Bible on her death bed, and say "I want you to have this. You are my favorite grandson. Only you can carry on our work"?
And why else would she leave me her most prized possession, her VHS copy of Schindler's List, or as she called it, "The most inspirational movie in the world. As long as you ignore the third act"?
On every page.
In big, bold, red letters.
Big, bold, red, handwritten letters. Handwritten in crayon.
Probably by my grandmother.
And sure, there are some typos. That's to be expected. She was very old. And troubled.
For instance, sometimes instead of "God," she writes "Doug." Doug was her husbands name.
And instead of "loves," she writes "hates."
And instead of "you," she writes "Jews."
But the message is still pretty clear. God loves me. And my grandmother wants me to know.
Why else would she write the inscription "There are many lessons in here. Learn them. Save yourself"?
And why else would she give me this Bible on her death bed, and say "I want you to have this. You are my favorite grandson. Only you can carry on our work"?
And why else would she leave me her most prized possession, her VHS copy of Schindler's List, or as she called it, "The most inspirational movie in the world. As long as you ignore the third act"?
Q: What harry potter movie does Dumbledore die in?
A: Um ... Wow.
I'm only on the third book. He's very much alive in that one.
I had no idea. He dies?
Really?
That kindly old man? Dies?
In a book for children?
What kind of monster would do such a thing?
I really ...
I can't ...
Wow ...
I need a moment.
He dies?
I was just coming to grips with the fact that he is gay.
I'm only on the third book. He's very much alive in that one.
I had no idea. He dies?
Really?
That kindly old man? Dies?
In a book for children?
What kind of monster would do such a thing?
I really ...
I can't ...
Wow ...
I need a moment.
He dies?
I was just coming to grips with the fact that he is gay.
Q: What islands in the Caribbean that have Spanish as their primary language?
A: Cuba, Puerto Rico and the Dominican Republic are all Spanish speaking islands. Any of those islands would be a perfect place for you to disappear, blend in and start a new life. That is, if you could actually speak Spanish.
You can't speak Spanish.
All those classes you've been taking, all those lessons, all those words ... Those were all a joke. We taught you a gibberish language, completely made up by Bob. We haven't taught you one word of Spanish.
We thought it was a pretty funny joke. And we all had a good time doing it. We figured you'd realize eventually. We figured you'd try and use your "Spanish" to order a meal, or pick up a girl, or impress a co-worker.
We never thought you wanted to learn Spanish so you could create a new identity, and go into hiding in the Caribbean, after pulling off the largest jewel heist in the history of Omaha.
So, yeah, you probably won't be able to hide in the Spanish Caribbean. No one would understand a word you said.
You can hide here. For a while. At least until the authorities offer a larger reward.
You can't speak Spanish.
All those classes you've been taking, all those lessons, all those words ... Those were all a joke. We taught you a gibberish language, completely made up by Bob. We haven't taught you one word of Spanish.
We thought it was a pretty funny joke. And we all had a good time doing it. We figured you'd realize eventually. We figured you'd try and use your "Spanish" to order a meal, or pick up a girl, or impress a co-worker.
We never thought you wanted to learn Spanish so you could create a new identity, and go into hiding in the Caribbean, after pulling off the largest jewel heist in the history of Omaha.
So, yeah, you probably won't be able to hide in the Spanish Caribbean. No one would understand a word you said.
You can hide here. For a while. At least until the authorities offer a larger reward.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Q: What is a social or seasonal behavior for a Siberian tiger?
A: In the winter, they mostly keep to themselves, spending most of their time with their families, sleeping or mating. They're pretty docile that time of year.
In the summer, they roam the fields, in small packs, looking for prey. They'll attack almost anything. They'll eat pretty much anything. Over the past few years, they've really developed a taste for human flesh.
Specifically, soft, pink human flesh, like the flesh of children. They can't get enough of it.
Yup. Siberian tigers are mighty nasty in the summer. It's a terrible time of year to try and photograph one.
This is all explained in the brochure.
Sure it is.
Give me that.
See? Right here, in the very small print, under the picture of the young child riding a Siberian tiger, it says "Between the months of May and September, Siberian tigers are extremely dangerous and bloodthirsty, and should not be approached or photographed. If you see one, you should run."
And below that, if look closely it says, "This photograph was taken in March. The tiger was heavily sedated."
And below that, now the print is real small here, "The Siberian Tiger Family Adventure is not responsible for any injuries, dismemberments or deaths caused by Siberian tigers."
And below that, it says "No refunds."
As you can see, it's spelled out plainly here in the brochure.
Too bad about your boy.
I'm sure next time, you'll read the fine print.
In the summer, they roam the fields, in small packs, looking for prey. They'll attack almost anything. They'll eat pretty much anything. Over the past few years, they've really developed a taste for human flesh.
Specifically, soft, pink human flesh, like the flesh of children. They can't get enough of it.
Yup. Siberian tigers are mighty nasty in the summer. It's a terrible time of year to try and photograph one.
This is all explained in the brochure.
Sure it is.
Give me that.
See? Right here, in the very small print, under the picture of the young child riding a Siberian tiger, it says "Between the months of May and September, Siberian tigers are extremely dangerous and bloodthirsty, and should not be approached or photographed. If you see one, you should run."
And below that, if look closely it says, "This photograph was taken in March. The tiger was heavily sedated."
And below that, now the print is real small here, "The Siberian Tiger Family Adventure is not responsible for any injuries, dismemberments or deaths caused by Siberian tigers."
And below that, it says "No refunds."
As you can see, it's spelled out plainly here in the brochure.
Too bad about your boy.
I'm sure next time, you'll read the fine print.
Q: What are three differences between democracies and dictatorship?
A: Dictators dress in full military regalia, as if they are on the brink of war. Democractic leaders dress like they are about to enter a very important job interview.
Dictatorships do not allow dissent of any kind. Democracies champion free speech, as long as it does not upset anyone, or hurt someone's feelings, or has anything to do with sex.
Democracies pretend to give power to the average person, even though they are controlled by a select group of very wealthy individuals. Dictatorships don't bother with all the lies.
Dictatorships do not allow dissent of any kind. Democracies champion free speech, as long as it does not upset anyone, or hurt someone's feelings, or has anything to do with sex.
Democracies pretend to give power to the average person, even though they are controlled by a select group of very wealthy individuals. Dictatorships don't bother with all the lies.
Q: What would happen to a plant exposed to green light?
A: It will not turn into The Incredible Hulk.
No will die. Cities will be unharmed.
Everything will be okay.
You can relax, Dr. Banner.
That's not your life anymore.
You're a botanist now. You have a stable, peaceful life.
You won't turn into that monster again.
You are so calm now. Nothing gets to you. You didn't even seem to get mad when you found me making love to your girlfriend the other day, in the supply closet.
I thought you saw us.
I didn't know your vision was so bad without your glasses.
Calm down, Bruce. It didn't mean anything. I didn't even enjoy it. She mostly just laid there anyway.
It was like fucking a pillow.
Oh, you're really angry now.
Damn.
Running won't help me, will it?
No will die. Cities will be unharmed.
Everything will be okay.
You can relax, Dr. Banner.
That's not your life anymore.
You're a botanist now. You have a stable, peaceful life.
You won't turn into that monster again.
You are so calm now. Nothing gets to you. You didn't even seem to get mad when you found me making love to your girlfriend the other day, in the supply closet.
I thought you saw us.
I didn't know your vision was so bad without your glasses.
Calm down, Bruce. It didn't mean anything. I didn't even enjoy it. She mostly just laid there anyway.
It was like fucking a pillow.
Oh, you're really angry now.
Damn.
Running won't help me, will it?
Q: What is the skin between the tongue and lower palette called?
A: Chicken skin.
A whole lot of chicken skin.
There must be two pounds here.
You might want to consider chewing more.
Or at least chewing some.
A whole lot of chicken skin.
There must be two pounds here.
You might want to consider chewing more.
Or at least chewing some.
Q: What is Dominos Pizza's Mission Statement?
A: 1.) Domino's Pizza will make the best pizza, from the freshest ingredients.
2.) Domino's Pizza will hand deliver a piping hot pizza directly to your door, in thirty minutes or less.
3.) If sales suffer and we lose market share, Domino's Pizza will admit that our pizza is not all that great.
4.) Domino's Pizza will not go into detail. We will not admit that our crust tastes like cardboard, our ingredients have clearly been frozen, and that our cheese-like topping bears no relation to an actual dairy product.
5.) Domino's Pizza will not offer refunds for ruined pizza parties, or birthdays, or first dates. We will merely offer an apology.
6.) Domino's Pizza will announce a new recipe and encourage America to give us a second chance.
7.) Domino's pizza will continue to prey on the naivete of America.
8.) Most importantly, Domino's Pizza will always, forever, tirelessly, avoid the Noid.
2.) Domino's Pizza will hand deliver a piping hot pizza directly to your door, in thirty minutes or less.
3.) If sales suffer and we lose market share, Domino's Pizza will admit that our pizza is not all that great.
4.) Domino's Pizza will not go into detail. We will not admit that our crust tastes like cardboard, our ingredients have clearly been frozen, and that our cheese-like topping bears no relation to an actual dairy product.
5.) Domino's Pizza will not offer refunds for ruined pizza parties, or birthdays, or first dates. We will merely offer an apology.
6.) Domino's Pizza will announce a new recipe and encourage America to give us a second chance.
7.) Domino's pizza will continue to prey on the naivete of America.
8.) Most importantly, Domino's Pizza will always, forever, tirelessly, avoid the Noid.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Q: When did people start to be evacuated from New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina?
A: As soon as the President realized that the hurricane was starting to damage property and hurt local business, and not just drown the poor.
Q: What is the most paws a cat has been born with?
A: In all my years of study, and in all my travels across the globe, I have never heard of nor laid eyes on a cat with more than six paws.
Until today.
I never imagined I would ever see a cat born with eight paws.
I never imagined a madman would kidnap me after seeing me on a Dallas morning show, where I talked about my successful advances in the field of cat obedience.
I never imagined I'd be taken to an island, locked in a dungeon and forced to spend decades training cats to mate with an octopus.
I never imagined the cats would mate with the octopus. I always assumed they would drown.
I never imagined that the mating would prove successful. Because it defies all laws of nature.
But there it is, the world's first ever cactopus.
Can I go home and see my family now? They probably assumed I am dead and moved on with their lives, but I'd at least like to say hi.
Until today.
I never imagined I would ever see a cat born with eight paws.
I never imagined a madman would kidnap me after seeing me on a Dallas morning show, where I talked about my successful advances in the field of cat obedience.
I never imagined I'd be taken to an island, locked in a dungeon and forced to spend decades training cats to mate with an octopus.
I never imagined the cats would mate with the octopus. I always assumed they would drown.
I never imagined that the mating would prove successful. Because it defies all laws of nature.
But there it is, the world's first ever cactopus.
Can I go home and see my family now? They probably assumed I am dead and moved on with their lives, but I'd at least like to say hi.
Q: How much is car insurance if your sixteen?
A: It varies depending on your driving record , the make and model of your car, your zip code.
Regardless of how much it costs, and what company you choose, you should always remember to get car insurance before you run a red light and crash into an ambulance. Not after. You can't get retroactive insurance.
I know you had big dreams of becoming the youngest winner of the Cannonball Run in the history, but it looks like this is not your year.
Your racing days are over. So are you driving days. And, judging by the location of your legs, so are your walking days.
Also, the Cannonball Run is not a real race. It is a movie.
It's not all bad news. You are the youngest uninsured driver to T-bone an ambulance and cause an eight car pile-up this week.
Congratulations!
Regardless of how much it costs, and what company you choose, you should always remember to get car insurance before you run a red light and crash into an ambulance. Not after. You can't get retroactive insurance.
I know you had big dreams of becoming the youngest winner of the Cannonball Run in the history, but it looks like this is not your year.
Your racing days are over. So are you driving days. And, judging by the location of your legs, so are your walking days.
Also, the Cannonball Run is not a real race. It is a movie.
It's not all bad news. You are the youngest uninsured driver to T-bone an ambulance and cause an eight car pile-up this week.
Congratulations!
Q: Can you use your computer on an airplane?
A: Laptop computers may be used once we reach 10,000 feet.
Computers intent on world domination and the subjugation of man are forbidden at any altitude.
Computers intent on world domination and the subjugation of man are forbidden at any altitude.
Q: If the plural of cow is cows why isn't the plural of deer deers?
A: Look at you. Aren't you just full of questions today?
Why isn't the plural of deer deers?
When are we going to have dinner?
Didn't you wear that suit yesterday?
What happened to all the furniture?
Is Mommy ever coming home?
I appreciate the fact that you are a bright, witty, inquisitive boy who is ever so eager to find out about the world, but I really don't have time for your questions right now. I have some business to attend to. Grown up business, with lawyers and bankers and private detectives.
Why don't you go to your room and play for a while?
No, your Playstation isn't there anymore. Neither is your TV. Or your bed.
You can play with this empty beer can. And these cigarette butts. They should keep you busy for hours.
Daddy needs some privacy. He has some serious drinking to do.
Why isn't the plural of deer deers?
When are we going to have dinner?
Didn't you wear that suit yesterday?
What happened to all the furniture?
Is Mommy ever coming home?
I appreciate the fact that you are a bright, witty, inquisitive boy who is ever so eager to find out about the world, but I really don't have time for your questions right now. I have some business to attend to. Grown up business, with lawyers and bankers and private detectives.
Why don't you go to your room and play for a while?
No, your Playstation isn't there anymore. Neither is your TV. Or your bed.
You can play with this empty beer can. And these cigarette butts. They should keep you busy for hours.
Daddy needs some privacy. He has some serious drinking to do.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Q: What organization or company does Dr Seuss work in?
A: Dr. Seuss was the pen name of Theodor Geisel. Under the Seuss name, Geisel wrote a great many children's books, such as the one about the boy who did not care for spoiled ham, or the one about the boy who is so lonely he pretends a fictional cat has visited him and made a mess of the house. You can tell the boy is lying because his cat "friend" wears a hat. As we all know, cats do not wear heats. The notion is simply ludicrous.
When he was not telling lies to or about children, Geisel wrote for film and television. He never wrote any medical texts. He never taught medicine. He wasn't a doctor of any kind.
I don't know who that man was who just removed your father's spleen, but he did not study under Dr. Seuss.
I suggest you call an ambulance.
When he was not telling lies to or about children, Geisel wrote for film and television. He never wrote any medical texts. He never taught medicine. He wasn't a doctor of any kind.
I don't know who that man was who just removed your father's spleen, but he did not study under Dr. Seuss.
I suggest you call an ambulance.
Q: Do you don't have a sense of humor if you can't laugh?
A: Just because I am not laughing doesn't mean that I lack a sense of humor.
It simply means that I do not find you funny.
At all.
There's nothing funny about smashing a bunch of watermelons.
Watermelons are a source of food and nourishment.
Not a source of comedy.
Many of these children haven't eaten in days.
Please, have a heart.
It simply means that I do not find you funny.
At all.
There's nothing funny about smashing a bunch of watermelons.
Watermelons are a source of food and nourishment.
Not a source of comedy.
Many of these children haven't eaten in days.
Please, have a heart.
Q: How do bears survive in the forests?
A: With their wits, their strength, their tenacity, and by taking advantage of clueless rangers and feasting on picnic baskets.
Also, with their enormous teeth and razor-sharp claws.
Q: What are plate placement laws in Texas?
A: License plates must be placed on both the front and rear of the car.
Unfortunately, the personalized plate you requested is not available.
COWBOY has already been taken.
So has MRBIG.
So has THESTUD.
So has SEXYBOY.
So has HEADCASE.
So has SIZEMATTERS.
So has ALLNIGHTLONG.
So has WELLENDOWED.
In fact, looking over your list, it appears that everyone of your novelty plates has already been taken.
Except FELCHER. You can still have that one.
Unfortunately, the personalized plate you requested is not available.
COWBOY has already been taken.
So has MRBIG.
So has THESTUD.
So has SEXYBOY.
So has HEADCASE.
So has SIZEMATTERS.
So has ALLNIGHTLONG.
So has WELLENDOWED.
In fact, looking over your list, it appears that everyone of your novelty plates has already been taken.
Except FELCHER. You can still have that one.
Q: How much cheetahs are left in the world?
A: Many.
We still have clubs in New York, Dallas, Las Vegas, Hollywood and elsewhere.
The recession may have hurt other businesses, but not strip clubs.
I guess being a lonely man, who pays somewhat attractive women to sit on your lap and pretend to like you, never really goes out of style.
We still have clubs in New York, Dallas, Las Vegas, Hollywood and elsewhere.
The recession may have hurt other businesses, but not strip clubs.
I guess being a lonely man, who pays somewhat attractive women to sit on your lap and pretend to like you, never really goes out of style.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Q: How can you tell the power of your microscope?
A: By how much it magnifies the object on the slide.
For instance, a microscope that magnifies an image to 40 times its size, would be a 40x microscope.
Your microscope doesn't magnify at all. The image in the lens is the exact same size as the object on the slide. That would make your microscope a 1x microscope. That's not a very powerful microscope.
Your microscope probably isn't very powerful because it's a paper towel roll, painted silver, with the words "microscope" written on the side, in what appears to be crayon.
It's not really a microscope at all.
Which means you probably aren't really a scientist.
Which means your entire Craigslist ad was probably a lie.
Q: What is the value of Bing Crosby Merry Christmas Decca Records 6 record set?
A: A set like that, in mint condition, would be very valuable.
However, a set of six cassette tapes that feature an angry, drunken woman mumbling her way through Bing Crosby songs while yelling at her son and telling graphic stories about fellating Spiro Agnew would be worthless.
Completely worthless.
Guess which one you have?
However, a set of six cassette tapes that feature an angry, drunken woman mumbling her way through Bing Crosby songs while yelling at her son and telling graphic stories about fellating Spiro Agnew would be worthless.
Completely worthless.
Guess which one you have?
Q: Is it legal to have three wives in the US?
A: When you asked me for permission to marry my daughter, I said yes, even though you had only been dating for a few months, you were new in town, and you had no work history, and no credit history, and no history of any kind. It's like you appeared one day, magically, out of the ether, and swept my daughter off her feet.
My gut said, "Say no. You cannot trust this man." But I did not say no. I did not trust my gut. I trusted my daughter. She said you were the most amazing man she'd ever met and that you would be happy together forever. I wanted the best for her, I wanted her to be happy, like any father would. So I allowed you to marry her.
I regret my decision.
The regret began when, during the planning of the wedding, you kept saying things like "I don't care, it can't be worse than my last wedding," and "Of all my weddings, this is shaping up to be the best one yet." I didn't know you had been married before. The news began to gnaw at me.
The regret grew when, prior to the ceremony, two women introduced themselves to me as Mrs. Bennington the First and Mrs. Bennington the Second. I quickly concluded that they were not your mother and sister. The fact they both openly referred to you as "my husband," certainly helped. It also helped that they said things like, "we're not divorced," and "he's a bigamist" and "We're excited to have another hand to help around the house and to satisfy our husband's bizarre sexual cravings. We are so very sore."
The regret reached an apex during the ceremony when you referred to my daughter in your vows as "Wife 3", "Wife 3.0" and "Wife with the Pretty Mouth." I would have objected, but so many of my family had traveled so far, and I had some important clients here as well. I did not want to make a scene.
As you can see, after the ceremony, and all during the reception, I was filled with regret.
Now I am filled with anger. Because of your stupid question.
To answer your stupid, insulting question, no. No. No, it is not legal to have three wives in the US.
But, you know this. You're a smart man.
That's why you don't have to ask why I am loading this gun.
Because you know the answer.
My gut said, "Say no. You cannot trust this man." But I did not say no. I did not trust my gut. I trusted my daughter. She said you were the most amazing man she'd ever met and that you would be happy together forever. I wanted the best for her, I wanted her to be happy, like any father would. So I allowed you to marry her.
I regret my decision.
The regret began when, during the planning of the wedding, you kept saying things like "I don't care, it can't be worse than my last wedding," and "Of all my weddings, this is shaping up to be the best one yet." I didn't know you had been married before. The news began to gnaw at me.
The regret grew when, prior to the ceremony, two women introduced themselves to me as Mrs. Bennington the First and Mrs. Bennington the Second. I quickly concluded that they were not your mother and sister. The fact they both openly referred to you as "my husband," certainly helped. It also helped that they said things like, "we're not divorced," and "he's a bigamist" and "We're excited to have another hand to help around the house and to satisfy our husband's bizarre sexual cravings. We are so very sore."
The regret reached an apex during the ceremony when you referred to my daughter in your vows as "Wife 3", "Wife 3.0" and "Wife with the Pretty Mouth." I would have objected, but so many of my family had traveled so far, and I had some important clients here as well. I did not want to make a scene.
As you can see, after the ceremony, and all during the reception, I was filled with regret.
Now I am filled with anger. Because of your stupid question.
To answer your stupid, insulting question, no. No. No, it is not legal to have three wives in the US.
But, you know this. You're a smart man.
That's why you don't have to ask why I am loading this gun.
Because you know the answer.
Q: Do caterpillars eat different foods?
A: Depends on the kind of caterpillar.
Some are herbivores and eat only a certain kind of plant.
Others are predators and feast on the eggs and larvae of other small insects.
A few are cannibals, eating other caterpillars to survive.
None of them eat dead human flesh.
You are thinking of maggots.
Caterpillars will not help you dispose of a dead body. They won't pick it clean and make it harder for authorities to identify.
Caterpillars will mostly crawl around on the body for while, then become butterflies. Many, many butterflies.
The butterflies will fly up in the air, creating such a spectacle, that all the children in the neighborhood will come running to find the source of the magic butterflies.
But instead of finding a magic butterfly kingdom, these children will find the corpse of an old woman, a sad little man frantically trying to dig a hole, and an astonishing amount of Disney porn.
You can imagine the children's disappointment.
Some are herbivores and eat only a certain kind of plant.
Others are predators and feast on the eggs and larvae of other small insects.
A few are cannibals, eating other caterpillars to survive.
None of them eat dead human flesh.
You are thinking of maggots.
Caterpillars will not help you dispose of a dead body. They won't pick it clean and make it harder for authorities to identify.
Caterpillars will mostly crawl around on the body for while, then become butterflies. Many, many butterflies.
The butterflies will fly up in the air, creating such a spectacle, that all the children in the neighborhood will come running to find the source of the magic butterflies.
But instead of finding a magic butterfly kingdom, these children will find the corpse of an old woman, a sad little man frantically trying to dig a hole, and an astonishing amount of Disney porn.
You can imagine the children's disappointment.
Q: What is meant by 'killed in committee'?
A: Look, this is part of politics. As politicians, it is our job to reframe events and put them in a more acceptable context for the people.
We can't just go out there and tell them every sordid detail and hope they understand. If they knew the things we did for their benefit, for their safety, they would probably think us mad. They would lose faith in us.
We can't have that.
We need these euphemisms. They protect the people from the truth. And they protect us from the people.
We can't go out there and say: Today, Julius Caesar was stabbed to death on the Senate Floor by 60 men, including some of his closest friends.
That just sounds horrible. That makes us sound like awful people. We can't say that.
So, instead we say: Today, Julius Caesar was killed in committee.
There's certain dignity to it.
Now someone go tell Mark Antony. He's probably going to want to make a big speech or something.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Q: If you think your wife is keeping secret how do you get it out her?
A: Call your wife on the phone from an undisclosed location. Mimic her mother's voice and say:
"Oh, dear, I seem to be kidnapped. They say they will release me only when you reveal any secrets you have kept from that dear, dear husband of yours. These kidnappers are wicked, awful, dangerous men. You best do as they say and tell Mommy the secrets."
Note: This plan only works if your wife's mother is still alive. If your wife's mother is deceased, try slipping sodium pentothol into her morning vodka.
"Oh, dear, I seem to be kidnapped. They say they will release me only when you reveal any secrets you have kept from that dear, dear husband of yours. These kidnappers are wicked, awful, dangerous men. You best do as they say and tell Mommy the secrets."
Note: This plan only works if your wife's mother is still alive. If your wife's mother is deceased, try slipping sodium pentothol into her morning vodka.
Q: How many pictures were taken with the first camera?
A: Two.
The very famous View from the Window at Le Gras, by Joseph Nicephore Niepce, and the lesser known View down my Pants of Le Junk, also by Joseph Nicephore Niepce.
The very famous View from the Window at Le Gras, by Joseph Nicephore Niepce, and the lesser known View down my Pants of Le Junk, also by Joseph Nicephore Niepce.
Q: What type of disc to you need to copy data from your computer?
A: You would need a CD-R, a DVD-R or some variation. If you have an older computer, like a really old one, you would need a 3 1/2" or 5 1/4" floppy disc.
Anyone of those would work.
What will not work is a disc made of stone.
I understand that your stone is very important to you, and to your people. I realize how many lives were lost in the battle of whatever to rescue your sacred stone from your hated rivals, whose nearly unpronounceable name escapes me. I think it's wonderful that your father, the chief, gave you the stone to protect you from evil spirits on your voyage to the New World.
I think it's rather adorable that you believe your stone holds the entire history of your tribe, all it's wisdom and knowledge.
However, there is something you must know.
What you believe is wrong.
Your stone is not magic.
It is just a stone. A stone with some writing on it. It is not compatible with any computer on campus.
Look, I'm not mad at you. I should have seen this coming.
When our scouts found you in the jungle, and saw you outrun a cheetah, and brought you back here to play wide receiver and return kicks, we knew there would be some cultural differences.
We thought you would be scared by our automobiles, or you'd play football barefoot, or something like that. We figured we'd all get a big laugh out of your clicking language.
We never expected you to destroy every computer on campus by trying to upload data from your magic stone.
You've done over four million dollars worth of damage. As Dean, I have no choice but to expel you.
Just as soon as we beat LSU and win the Cotton Bowl.
Anyone of those would work.
What will not work is a disc made of stone.
I understand that your stone is very important to you, and to your people. I realize how many lives were lost in the battle of whatever to rescue your sacred stone from your hated rivals, whose nearly unpronounceable name escapes me. I think it's wonderful that your father, the chief, gave you the stone to protect you from evil spirits on your voyage to the New World.
I think it's rather adorable that you believe your stone holds the entire history of your tribe, all it's wisdom and knowledge.
However, there is something you must know.
What you believe is wrong.
Your stone is not magic.
It is just a stone. A stone with some writing on it. It is not compatible with any computer on campus.
Look, I'm not mad at you. I should have seen this coming.
When our scouts found you in the jungle, and saw you outrun a cheetah, and brought you back here to play wide receiver and return kicks, we knew there would be some cultural differences.
We thought you would be scared by our automobiles, or you'd play football barefoot, or something like that. We figured we'd all get a big laugh out of your clicking language.
We never expected you to destroy every computer on campus by trying to upload data from your magic stone.
You've done over four million dollars worth of damage. As Dean, I have no choice but to expel you.
Just as soon as we beat LSU and win the Cotton Bowl.
Q: How could a reader check to see if a writer did extensive authentic research prior to writing a nonfiction text?
A: You could check the bibliography, but I prefer a simpler method.
Look at the photograph of the author on the back of the dust jacket.
If the author looks serious and distinguished and professorial, he probably conducted extensive research.
If the author is giving you the finger, he probably has little respect for you and did minimal research.
If the author looks like Jennifer Love Hewitt, you can be sure that no research of any kind was done whatsoever.
Look at the photograph of the author on the back of the dust jacket.
If the author looks serious and distinguished and professorial, he probably conducted extensive research.
If the author is giving you the finger, he probably has little respect for you and did minimal research.
If the author looks like Jennifer Love Hewitt, you can be sure that no research of any kind was done whatsoever.
Q: What sea creature swims backwards?
A: That would be the Nekrak, a distant cousin of the Kraken.
It does everything backwards. Swims backwards. Eats backwards.
Instead of destroying ships deep at sea, the Nekrak carries them on it's back and makes sure they arrive safely at port.
Where the Kraken has never been seen by a man who has lived to tell the tale, the Nekrak can be seen all the time, by everyone, to an annoying degree.
It's always showing up unannounced, popping up in the back of photos, and "rescuing" people who are just going out for a swim. It will do anything for attention.
We're all rather sick of it at this point.
Don't wave. That just encourages it.
It does everything backwards. Swims backwards. Eats backwards.
Instead of destroying ships deep at sea, the Nekrak carries them on it's back and makes sure they arrive safely at port.
Where the Kraken has never been seen by a man who has lived to tell the tale, the Nekrak can be seen all the time, by everyone, to an annoying degree.
It's always showing up unannounced, popping up in the back of photos, and "rescuing" people who are just going out for a swim. It will do anything for attention.
We're all rather sick of it at this point.
Don't wave. That just encourages it.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Q: Can you work with this diploma cornerstone christian correspondence school?
A: I can do so much with it!
I can make it into a paper plane. Or crumple it into a ball and start a paper fight. Or I can wave it like a white flag to announce my surrender. I can even use it to write down notes, like grocery lists or ideas for faith-based sitcoms.
Oh, here's one - Jesus Christ and his Amazing Jew Crew. Jesus and his wacky gang of merry pranksters travel the countryside, solving crimes, righting wrongs and evicting the money changers from the temple, all the while trying to stay one step ahead of that dastardly Pontius Pilate and his Keystone Centurions.
So, as you can see I can do many things with my Christian correspondence diploma.
One thing I can not do is find a job. It turns out I probably should have gone to a normal high school like everyone else in town. Maybe then I wouldn't have to sell plasma to pay for food.
Thanks again, Dad.
I can make it into a paper plane. Or crumple it into a ball and start a paper fight. Or I can wave it like a white flag to announce my surrender. I can even use it to write down notes, like grocery lists or ideas for faith-based sitcoms.
Oh, here's one - Jesus Christ and his Amazing Jew Crew. Jesus and his wacky gang of merry pranksters travel the countryside, solving crimes, righting wrongs and evicting the money changers from the temple, all the while trying to stay one step ahead of that dastardly Pontius Pilate and his Keystone Centurions.
So, as you can see I can do many things with my Christian correspondence diploma.
One thing I can not do is find a job. It turns out I probably should have gone to a normal high school like everyone else in town. Maybe then I wouldn't have to sell plasma to pay for food.
Thanks again, Dad.
Q: What did the kids in the Maryland colony learn?
A: How to keep the count.
Where to hide the package.
When to order the re-up.
How often to toss their burners.
To always keep their mouth shut.
Not to cross Avon or Stringer.
To run when Omar comes around.
And the most important lesson of all:
You come at the king, you best not miss.
Where to hide the package.
When to order the re-up.
How often to toss their burners.
To always keep their mouth shut.
Not to cross Avon or Stringer.
To run when Omar comes around.
And the most important lesson of all:
You come at the king, you best not miss.
Q: Can bearded dragons have diarrhea?
A: Sure they can, if they eat the wrong things, or catch a stomach virus.
However, there's usually not so much of it. And they generally keep it in their cage.
They usually don't spray it all over the walls.
And they usually don't write with it.
It would be unusual for a bearded dragon to write "Worst Roommate Ever!" on my door.
You see, bearded dragons can't even read, let alone write, let alone compose a sentence. An exclamation point would be a complete mystery to them.
Is there something you want to say about our living situation?
However, there's usually not so much of it. And they generally keep it in their cage.
They usually don't spray it all over the walls.
And they usually don't write with it.
It would be unusual for a bearded dragon to write "Worst Roommate Ever!" on my door.
You see, bearded dragons can't even read, let alone write, let alone compose a sentence. An exclamation point would be a complete mystery to them.
Is there something you want to say about our living situation?
Q: What newspaper can you put a legal notice in to get married?
A: Why bother to put it in the paper when you can announce the news on your blog?
Oh.
I see.
Your fiance doesn't know about your blog?
You haven't told her?
I guess she wouldn't have a whole lot of interest in HotChicksIveBanged.Com.
I assume you're going to shut down the site now that you are getting married.
Really?
That is a good point. Most marriages do end in divorce these days. You're wise to keep your options open for down the road.
Oh.
I see.
Your fiance doesn't know about your blog?
You haven't told her?
I guess she wouldn't have a whole lot of interest in HotChicksIveBanged.Com.
I assume you're going to shut down the site now that you are getting married.
Really?
That is a good point. Most marriages do end in divorce these days. You're wise to keep your options open for down the road.
Q: What is harp seal defense and offense?
A: Harp seals usually run a 3-4. They have some quickness on the outside and more than enough big bodies to clog up the middle. More than enough. Have you ever seen a harp seal? They're basically a team of nose tackles.
On offense, the usually run a spread, but other teams have been catching up to them as of late, so they are thinking of installing a pro-style offense next year. They also feel that adding the pro-style will help them in recruiting. They're sick of losing so many of their top prospects to Florida State.
On offense, the usually run a spread, but other teams have been catching up to them as of late, so they are thinking of installing a pro-style offense next year. They also feel that adding the pro-style will help them in recruiting. They're sick of losing so many of their top prospects to Florida State.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Q: How tall is James Bond?
A: He stands over 6 feet tall, but once that laser beam reachs him, he'll be about half that.
Do you hear me, Mr. Bond? I intend to cut you down to size.
Damn, I wish we hadn't beaten him so much before we strapped him to that steel plate and started the laser. It would be nice if he could hear me taunt him. Throw some water at him and try to wake him.
Another bucket.
One more.
Wow. He's really out. We must have given him a concussion.
That leaser's going to tear right through him and I won't even hear him scream or anything. Kind of feels like a waste.
To be honest with you, I expected more of fight out of James Bond. Especially after all those movies I watched as a kid.
I also expected him to be younger. And fitter. And more athletic.
I didn't expect him to cry so much. Or to beg for his life. Or soil himself.
All rather disappointing.
You know what else is weird?
Right before we captured him, I heard him introduce himself to someone, not as "Bond. James Bond," but as "George Lazenby."
What kind of a code name is George Lazenby?
Do you hear me, Mr. Bond? I intend to cut you down to size.
Damn, I wish we hadn't beaten him so much before we strapped him to that steel plate and started the laser. It would be nice if he could hear me taunt him. Throw some water at him and try to wake him.
Another bucket.
One more.
Wow. He's really out. We must have given him a concussion.
That leaser's going to tear right through him and I won't even hear him scream or anything. Kind of feels like a waste.
To be honest with you, I expected more of fight out of James Bond. Especially after all those movies I watched as a kid.
I also expected him to be younger. And fitter. And more athletic.
I didn't expect him to cry so much. Or to beg for his life. Or soil himself.
All rather disappointing.
You know what else is weird?
Right before we captured him, I heard him introduce himself to someone, not as "Bond. James Bond," but as "George Lazenby."
What kind of a code name is George Lazenby?
Q: Why does the Koala bear have a black nose?
A: Koala bears usually sleep for 23 hours a day.
Your pet Koala has been asleep for four days now AND has a black nose.
I don't know how to tell you this but, your Koala bear has become addicted to black tar heroin.
Even worse, he seems to be using it incorrectly.
Didn't he see Pulp Fiction? You can't snort that stuff. It will kill you.
I know what I'm giving you for Christmas: A lighter, a spoon, some needles and a package of rubber bands. If he's going to be a heroin addict, he should at least do it right.
This whole scenario is very strange.
Hold on, let me check something.
Yup, I should have known. Your Koala hasn't been asleep for four days.
He's dead.
I have no idea why his nose is black.
Genetics?
Your pet Koala has been asleep for four days now AND has a black nose.
I don't know how to tell you this but, your Koala bear has become addicted to black tar heroin.
Even worse, he seems to be using it incorrectly.
Didn't he see Pulp Fiction? You can't snort that stuff. It will kill you.
I know what I'm giving you for Christmas: A lighter, a spoon, some needles and a package of rubber bands. If he's going to be a heroin addict, he should at least do it right.
This whole scenario is very strange.
Hold on, let me check something.
Yup, I should have known. Your Koala hasn't been asleep for four days.
He's dead.
I have no idea why his nose is black.
Genetics?
Q: How much greenhouse gas is released into our air by idling engines?
A: If you want me to turn off the car, you can ask me. You don't have to be so passive-aggressive. You can ask me.
Go ahead and ask me.
Go on.
No, I will not turn off the car. Would you like to know why?
I know you're the boss's son and this is your first time on a caper, so I understand that there are certain things that you don't know, things that must be taught. Allow me to enlighten you.
The first rule of driving a getaway car is: Never turn off the getaway car.
It's a pretty simple rule. I'm sure you can understand why we would have the rule. Once you're done robbing a bank and you sprint outside and jump in the getaway, the cops hot on your tail, the last thing you want to do is wait for the engine to turn over. It's literally the difference between life or death.
You also shouldn't ever park the getaway car. Or get out of the getaway car. Or take off for a second to go grab a burger or check in on an old girlfriend who lives in this neighborhood.
These rules exist for a reason. These rules exist to save lives.
You're a smart kid, I get it, but you can't learn everything in college.
And I think it's wonderful that you care about the environment. I'm sure it gets you laid all the time. But the lives of those men in there are more important to me than a few melting glaciers up in Greenland.
Hey, do you hear shooting?
Why are they all the way over there. The bank's at 127 East 3rd.
172 East 3rd?
Really?
Goddamnit!
Okay, kid, here's the deal. I know a girl who lives in this neighborhood. Real sweet girl. Got a kid sister, around your age. Really pretty. Why don't we go by there and say hello? And stay there for, two, three days?
Go ahead and ask me.
Go on.
No, I will not turn off the car. Would you like to know why?
I know you're the boss's son and this is your first time on a caper, so I understand that there are certain things that you don't know, things that must be taught. Allow me to enlighten you.
The first rule of driving a getaway car is: Never turn off the getaway car.
It's a pretty simple rule. I'm sure you can understand why we would have the rule. Once you're done robbing a bank and you sprint outside and jump in the getaway, the cops hot on your tail, the last thing you want to do is wait for the engine to turn over. It's literally the difference between life or death.
You also shouldn't ever park the getaway car. Or get out of the getaway car. Or take off for a second to go grab a burger or check in on an old girlfriend who lives in this neighborhood.
These rules exist for a reason. These rules exist to save lives.
You're a smart kid, I get it, but you can't learn everything in college.
And I think it's wonderful that you care about the environment. I'm sure it gets you laid all the time. But the lives of those men in there are more important to me than a few melting glaciers up in Greenland.
Hey, do you hear shooting?
Why are they all the way over there. The bank's at 127 East 3rd.
172 East 3rd?
Really?
Goddamnit!
Okay, kid, here's the deal. I know a girl who lives in this neighborhood. Real sweet girl. Got a kid sister, around your age. Really pretty. Why don't we go by there and say hello? And stay there for, two, three days?
Q: When were teachers invented?
A: From the dawn of time, man has had an urge to create. Some made cave paintings. Others danced, or sang or created elaborate costume dramas.
Others wanted very much to express themselves, but found the whole affair too demanding, or time-consuming, or they had knocked up the chief's daughter and suddenly had bills to pay.
These men became teachers. Someone had to look after the little ones all day.
Others wanted very much to express themselves, but found the whole affair too demanding, or time-consuming, or they had knocked up the chief's daughter and suddenly had bills to pay.
These men became teachers. Someone had to look after the little ones all day.
Q: What are examples of wholesome entertainment?
A: There are so many!
Family Circus, the comic strip by Bill Keane.
The Berenstain Bears books.
Nickelodeon's hit TV show, iCarly.
Oh, and I heard about this wonderful new family act. They call themselves The Aristocrats. I've never actually seen them perform, but every comedian I know has heard of them. They must be wonderful!
Whenever the comedians start talking about them, I cover my ears and leave the room. I don't want anything spoiled!
Family Circus, the comic strip by Bill Keane.
The Berenstain Bears books.
Nickelodeon's hit TV show, iCarly.
Oh, and I heard about this wonderful new family act. They call themselves The Aristocrats. I've never actually seen them perform, but every comedian I know has heard of them. They must be wonderful!
Whenever the comedians start talking about them, I cover my ears and leave the room. I don't want anything spoiled!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Q: Is the movie or the book better?
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Q: What were four of Benjamin Franklin's accomplishments?
A:
1.) Publishing "Poor Richard's Almanack" a yearly compendium of weather, astrology, aphorisms, poems and saying. Also writing "Rich Dick's Yearbook." a largely unknown annual of limericks, letters, stories and lewd drawings.
2.) Inventing the bifocals, which allowed him to ogle ladies near and far simultaneously.
3.) Attempting to woo local maidens by bravely flying a kite with a key on the end during an electrical storm. Unsuccessfully attempting to woo local maidens.
4.) Coining the phrase "all about the Benjamins," which he would use to direct French prostitutes where to place their tongues.
1.) Publishing "Poor Richard's Almanack" a yearly compendium of weather, astrology, aphorisms, poems and saying. Also writing "Rich Dick's Yearbook." a largely unknown annual of limericks, letters, stories and lewd drawings.
2.) Inventing the bifocals, which allowed him to ogle ladies near and far simultaneously.
3.) Attempting to woo local maidens by bravely flying a kite with a key on the end during an electrical storm. Unsuccessfully attempting to woo local maidens.
Q: Which team holds the record for the most penalties during a Super Bowl game?
A: I don't know who currently holds the record. I'm not a historian. I'm a football coach. But I know who will hold the record at the end of this game:
You.
All of you. The men in this room. You men are destined for the record books.
I know some you might now that we're already in the record books, for giving up the most points in a quarter and the most points in a half. For being the first team in Super Bowl history to trail by 72 points at halftime.
But we still have another half to play. The game's not over yet.
Now some of you might expect me to give the speech of a lifetime and yell and cajole and inspire and make you guys believe that we can come back and win this game.
I'm not going to do that. I have too much respect for you men. I'm not going to insult your intelligence.
We're not going to win this game.
We are simply not good enough. We were lucky to get this far.
Three months ago I hypnotized you men and made you believe that you were the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers. For three months you played like the 1975 Steelers and won game after game, all the way to the Super Bowl.
Well it seems that the hypnosis has worn off at the worst possible time. It must have happened last night, while you slept.
Let that be a lesson to all of you: Never trust a gypsy.
You men now realize that you are not the Pittsburgh Steelers. You are a collection of cast-offs and misfits and has-beens and never-were's.
There's no way you're winning this game.
But we can still make our mark on this game. We can drag this game out and get as much TV as possible. It's our last chance to be famous.
So I want you to go out there and hold. I want you to go out there and delay the game. Interfere with passes. Hit late. Conduct yourselves in an unsportsmanlike manner. Celebrate excessively after every touchdown you give up. And don't forget to clip. Clip life your life depended on it.
I want to see yellow flags flying on every play.
This is our chance to go down in history.
Let's make it happen.
You.
All of you. The men in this room. You men are destined for the record books.
I know some you might now that we're already in the record books, for giving up the most points in a quarter and the most points in a half. For being the first team in Super Bowl history to trail by 72 points at halftime.
But we still have another half to play. The game's not over yet.
Now some of you might expect me to give the speech of a lifetime and yell and cajole and inspire and make you guys believe that we can come back and win this game.
I'm not going to do that. I have too much respect for you men. I'm not going to insult your intelligence.
We're not going to win this game.
We are simply not good enough. We were lucky to get this far.
Three months ago I hypnotized you men and made you believe that you were the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers. For three months you played like the 1975 Steelers and won game after game, all the way to the Super Bowl.
Well it seems that the hypnosis has worn off at the worst possible time. It must have happened last night, while you slept.
Let that be a lesson to all of you: Never trust a gypsy.
You men now realize that you are not the Pittsburgh Steelers. You are a collection of cast-offs and misfits and has-beens and never-were's.
There's no way you're winning this game.
But we can still make our mark on this game. We can drag this game out and get as much TV as possible. It's our last chance to be famous.
So I want you to go out there and hold. I want you to go out there and delay the game. Interfere with passes. Hit late. Conduct yourselves in an unsportsmanlike manner. Celebrate excessively after every touchdown you give up. And don't forget to clip. Clip life your life depended on it.
I want to see yellow flags flying on every play.
This is our chance to go down in history.
Let's make it happen.
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About Me
- Ryan
- Ryan Callahan has written, produced, or directed shows for ABC, A&E, SHowtime, The CW, TVLand, Animal Planet and other networks even lower on your dial. When not making TV, or writing fake answers, he reads books, buys books, or buys books to read later. Follow WikiFakeAnswers on Twitter and Facebook