Q: Are sea stars flexible?

A: Yes, as long as they are still wet. When they are dry, they break.

Throwing stars are never flexible, wet or dry.

Please stop breaking my throwing stars.

Q: What can we do to help a polar bear?

A: You can't do much now but stand in the corner and wait for the tag. Make sure to hold onto that tag rope, otherwise the tag won't count.

I know you want to jump into the ring and start beating on your opponents and helping the bear, but you can't do it. The referee will drag you back to the corner, turning his back on your foes, giving them the chance to cheat and beat on the bear some more. You'd be doing more harm than good. You'll have to be patient and wait for that tag.

Once he tags you, then you can fight. You can vault right over that top rope like a house afire - fists pumping, knees churning, heart racing - kick some ass, win the match, raise those glorious tag-team championship belts over your head, and finally win the respect of your father.

Of course, you may be waiting for that tag for some time. The polar bear doesn't seem to understand the rules of tag team wrestling.

I hate to be the guy who says "I told you so," but I did tell you choosing a polar bear as your tag team partner was a terrible idea. A bear might be a natural wrestler, but no bear, not even the smartest and toughest one, has any experience with tag team wrestling. It's a completely different kind of wrestling, one he clearly does not understand.

I bet he doesn't even know he's in a fight. That would explain why he spends most of his time wandering around, scratching himself and letting them beat on him. He probably thinks it's cute.

And now he's taking a nap.

Might be a while before you get that tag. Might be time to start brainstorming other ways to impress your dad.

Q: How would you go beyond customer service?

A: Greeting the customer with a smile? Answering all their questions to the best of my ability? Making their satisfaction my highest priority? Helping them find whatever they need? Offering to help them carry their purchases out of the store?

For amateurs. Anyone can do that.

What I do, what you need, what this company lacks, is true customer service, the ability to anticipate the customer's every question, every need, every desire. To know what they want before they want it. To have what they need before before they need it, before they even know they need it.

How do I do it? It's not simple and it's not easy. I get inside their mind, inside their skin. I follow them home. I look through their windows. I learn their security codes. By searching their emails, reading their mail, auditing their finances, talking to their parents, playing with their children, dating their ex-lovers and wearing their clothes, I am able to become like them. I am able to become them. I am able to provide the greatest customer service you could ever imagine.

I don't see what that would be creepy? Which part do you find creepy? When I talk to the kids? When I where their clothes? When I steal their identities to visit museums? When I take hair from their combs to make wigs? Is it when I sleep with the ex-lovers? Some folks find that extreme, but in my defense, I am dedicated to my craft.

All of it? You find all of it creepy?

I don't know what to say. I thought your organization valued customer service. If all you want is someone to plant a fake smile on his face and pretend to like people, then I suggest you hire a monkey. Because that is a job for a monkey. I was not aware that McDonald's employed monkeys. When you're ready to provide real customer service, give me a call.

Just don't wait to long. I have an interview this afternoon at Burger King. I have a feeling that they'll have a greater appreciation for my talents.