Q: How do you deal with staff who display a lack of commitment?

A: Years ago, I faced a similar problem. My staff lacked commitment, numbers took a dive, my business stood on the verge of extinction.  I came up with a plan, a motivational tool: a sales contest. A one month long sales contest.

First prize would be a Cadilac El Dorado. Second prize, a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired.

The contest proved to be a spectacular failure. It motivated no one. In fact, most of them turned against me. There was a robbery, prosecution, convictions- I don't want to bore you with all the details, but it was all rather messy.

I learned a valuable lesson holding that sales conest: Never hold a sales contest.

Now, I get my employees to commit a simpler way: with the direct threat of violence. I carry a gun and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a very good shot. You'd be amazed how much a simple grazing will motivate an employee. I have never had a more committed  staff. They show up early. They leave late. They surpass their quotas month after month. They are simply amazing.

I sure hope this recession lasts forever. I don't know what I'd do if they thought they could quit. I'd probably have to shoot one or two in the leg, to discourage them from leaving. I hope it never comes to that. People tend to scream when shot in the leg. I like to run a quiet office, so my staff can hear me cock the hammer.

Q: How do robins pick a spot to put a nest?

A: Wherever Batman tells me. He's the boss, after all, and I serve, and live, at his pleasure, as he constantly reminds me. For a while there, my "nest" as you call it, was a bed, a king sized bed, with silk sheets and soft, fluffy pillows, located in one of the nicer rooms in Wayne Manor. That was a good time. Batman was nicer then, drinking less, he laughed sometimes. Once, I caught him watching an old episode of Mama's Family. He noticed me, and changed the channel to something more suitable, a news program, a show about finance, something more fitting his stature. But I knew, and I understood. That cape and cowl weigh heavy on head. Even Batman needs a break every now and then. 

Those breaks are less frequent now.

As you might have noticed, I no longer sleep in the house, nor the back yard, nor that wonderful fort Batman built in that old tree, but here, in the cave, The Bat Cave, high on a wet rock, vermin my only friend. Batman doesn't have a lot of free time these days, which means that I don't have a lot of free time. Always on call, always ready to fight. He's more popular than ever, in print, on screen, everywhere. He hasn't slept in weeks. He's losing his grip. The other day he nearly beat the Calendar Man to death, not for any wrongdoing, but for a typo in one of his taunting notes. The Batman expects perfection from everyone, even his foes. You can imagine what he expects from me.

But, as I said, I understand. 

So I don't put up much of a fight when he asks me to sleep in the yard, or the cave, or tells me to make my nest in the center of City Hall, to keep an eye on corruption. I do whatever he tells me. All in all, as exhausting and unstable a life I lead, it still beats not being Robin. Before, when I attacked a man, society judged and shunned me. Now, I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, beat whomever I want, take whatever I want, and society rewards me, strangers applaud. All I have to do is point and say "Villain" and no one asks any questions. I'd say the good far outweighs the bad.

I hope I answered your question. Now, why don't you finish that drink and take off your clothes. Batman's going to be back soon and I am not allowed to have visitors in the Cave. If you want to do it on the Batmobile, we'd better get started. 

Q: How many kids can you watch legally in Maine?

A: In a strictly legal sense, I am unable to watch children, except through a high powered microscope, from a distance of more than 500 feet. But, I don't see any cops around, do you?

Look, lady, there's no need to get all panicked and crazy. There's an old saying in babysitting: Cheap, Immediate and Legal - You get to pick two. If you want a babysitter "approved by the law," well, I wish you the best, but good luck finding someone on such short notice. Most of the "legal" babysitters are booked for the night.

That pretty much leaves you with me, or you could go to the Apple store and pick up the iBabySitter, but we both know you can't afford that. Judging by the runs in your stockings, the smell of your cheap perfume, and the holes in your finest "going out" clothes, you can't afford much of anything.

One thing you can afford: Me.

I don't cost much. Just a few dollars and whatever cheap wine you got lying around. I do it for the love mainly, the love of children. God bless their little hearts.

You are lucky I happened to be walking by your house when your babysitter called and told you she had to cancel. Funny how that worked out. I hope she gets over that stomach flu real quick.

How do I know she had a stomach flu? I'm pretty sure you mentioned it. I think it's the first thing you said when you ran out of the house and waved me down; you shouted, "Excuse me, kind, handsome stranger, my babysitter has taken ill with an ailment of the stomach most foul and I am in need of a trustworthy, honest man, such as yourself, to look after my kids for the evening."

That's how I remember it.

The evening's not getting any younger. Your husband's been sitting in the car for a while now and I assume he's about to lose his patience. From my count, that's his fifth beer. I'd hate to see how he gets if he finishes that twelve pack before you get to the restaurant. If you want to spoil your anniversary, be my guest. I'm just trying to help.

I thought you'd see it my way. Now, before you leave, I have a few questions: Are the children of a trusting nature? And how much experience do they have on camera?