Saturday, December 4, 2010

Q: How do I know when my fiance don't love me no more?

A: The wedding was over three days ago. He still hasn't shown up. That should have been a sign.

None of his friends or family attended either.

And he cancelled the band.

And he hired that plane to fly over head with that banner that said "Melissa, I don't love you anymore and I won't marry you." That was a long banner. It must have cost a fortune.

I'd say those are all pretty clear signs.

You might want to try and let go and get on with your life.

I think it's time to step away from the alter and take off the wedding dress.

The next wedding party has been waiting for a while. They've been patient so far, but I think they're starting to get restless.

Q: Do you need documents to buy a gun in CA?

A: Yes. You need two forms of ID.

A mugshot doesn't count as a form of ID.

Neither does a used target from a firing range.

Q: Is there a check list for appearance dress for success would you hire me?

A: The list varies from employer to employer but they all share one common item.

Always wear pants.

I think you can figure out the answer to the second part of your question.

Q: How do you get a price on an object?

A: You've got to guess the price. You can listen to the audience suggestions - listen, they're shouting right now. Those numbers are prices - Or you can come up with a price of your own.

If you think everyone else has overbid, you can bid one dollar.

I'm sorry. I can't tell you the price. You can't look it up on your phone either. That defeats the whole point of the show.

You've never watched this show have you?

And you're probably not even in the navy.

I bet you don't even spay and neuter your pets.

You son of a bitch.

Q: How do you show substantial evidence?

A: Usually with the help of a confession, many witnesses and a murder weapon. Unfortunately, we don't have any of that in this case.

We only have this drawing of how I think the murders might have been committed. I hope the jury buys it.

I admit it, the decision to make the drawing with an Etch-A-Sketch may have been a mistake. But the decision has been made and we'll have to live with it. Now let's go to court. We have a case to prosecute.

I'm trusting you to carry the sketch. Please don't shake it. As I mentioned before, it's our whole case.

Well, that and me pointing at the defendant and shouting "Murderer!" over and over again.

The judge usually doesn't let me do that. That doesn't mean I can't try.

About Me

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Ryan Callahan has written, produced, or directed shows for ABC, A&E, SHowtime, The CW, TVLand, Animal Planet and other networks even lower on your dial. When not making TV, or writing fake answers, he reads books, buys books, or buys books to read later. Follow WikiFakeAnswers on Twitter and Facebook