Q: What is 3 challenges in Puerto Rico?

A: As a traveling businessman in Puerto Rico, you will face the following challenges.

Challenge Number One: The language barrier. Many Puerto Ricans are stubborn and insist on speaking in Spanish. Often, they will pretend that they can't speak or understand English, making it near impossible for them to understand your demands, no matter how loud you shout while waving your gun.

Challenge Number Two: Local Law Enforcement. The Puerto Rican police operate under a Shoot-First-Ask-Questions-Later-Then-Shoot-A-Few-More-Times-Just-To-Be-Safe policy. Such a policy can impede the day to day business of the typical entrepreneur abroad. More than once I have been in the middle of a complex negotiation, about to reach a break through, only to have the police arrive and ruin hours of hard work with their sirens and gunshots and bullhorn-amplified demands that I release hostages.

Challenge Number Three: Geography. Puerto Rico is an island, limiting escape routes. No matter which way you run, or how man cars you commandeer, you will eventually reach the ocean. And that means a lot of swimming. On a map, it might seem like Puerto Rico is right next to the Dominican Republic, but maps, like informants, lie. The Dominican Republic is dozens of miles away, too far for even the strongest swimmer, even when he is not burdened by bags of gold and small, attractive hostages.

These challenges nay seem insurmountable, but I assure you that with the proper planning and execution, they can be overcome. The rewards are worth it. Now put on this ski mask and get out of the van. The guard just fell asleep.

Q: Can you use a street car on your train set?

A: Sure. Why not?

It's your train set to do with as you wish. You can use a street car or a trolley or a subway or any other train like thing that runs on tracks. Hell, you could even use a goddamn Transformer. It's not like your train set has any artistic unity.

It it were my train set, I'd have a different answer. That answer would be "No." An incredulous, wide-eyed "No" followed by a clap of the hands and a deep disappointed sigh. I'd probably shake my head slowly while looking down at the floor to highlight my disappointment. There's a chance I might cry.

But it's not my train set anymore, is it? No, you had to make sure of that. You had to do whatever you could to take my train set from me. Eating. Sleeping. Soiling. Growing. Always growing. It seems like your whole life has been dedicated to forcing me to spend money on you. To spend money I had to earn money. To earn money I had to get a job. A job that kept me away from my train set.

When your mother got pregnant I knew that there would be sacrifices, that someday I would have to give up my toys and be a man. But I thought I'd have more time. At least more than 16 years.

Congratulations, son. You win. The train set is all yours. Forever. Fill it up with streetcars. Cover it with oatmeal. Do whatever the hell you want.

Just do me one favor. In court tomorrow, when you're called as a character witness, remember all the nice things I did for you. Like the time I gave you my train set. Or that time when I reminded you about giving you the train set. Or the time I let you come up with my alibi. Actually, don't mention that last one. If you do, re-word it so I sound more like a great Dad and less like a premeditated arsonist.

Q: How do you track aliens?

A: Stay silent. Stick to the shadows.

Step lightly. Training in Ninjutsu helps. If you cannot afford a trip to Japan to study under one of the great masters, at least wear all black. And buy some throwing stars. The metal ones they sell down in Chinatown, not the cheap plastic kind.

Learn their methods, their routines. They come out at night, and surround themselves with packs of beasts and warriors and occasionally princesses.

Lure them into the darkness with some Earth candy. They are partial to Reese's Pieces and Peanut Butter Cups and Snickers. Don't waste  your time with apples or popcorn balls. That will only anger them.

Once you have them alone, it's time to pounce.

A-HA!

Now that we have slain the dread alien, let us remove his hood and see his horrible face. But don't look directly, for your eyes might ...

Huh.

That doesn't look like an alien at all. That looks like a small human boy. Another small human boy. I could have sworn it was an alien.

Damn. This happens every October.

Q: What are two techniques paleontologists use to determine the ago of fossils?

A: 1) Radiocarbon dating. Using  a series of complex measurements and equations, we calculate the amount of Carbon-14 in a given fossil to determine its age.

2.) Floyd's Theory of Fossil Decomposition. Using a ten sided die, we choose a number from one to ten, throw a bunch of zeroes after it and call it a day. Named after Floyd, the security guard who invented the process the night he wanted us to leave early. Apparently he had Lakers tickets.

We use the first method if our boss is watching, or if we're dating the fossils of one of the more popular dinosaurs, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. The second method comes in handy on Fridays or  when someone discovers a pile of Apatosaurs.

Q: What is the percentage of 4 out of 6?

A: Sixty-six point six percent. With the six repeating obviously.

If you played baseball and hit the ball four times out of six, you'd be the Best Ballplayer Ever, better than Ruth and Cobb and Williams combined.

If you played basketball and made four out of every six shots, you'd be an Excellent Ballplayer, one of the best ever. A guaranteed Hall of Famer.

If you played quarterback in the NFL and completed four out of every six shots, you would be a Great Ballplayer with a long career and many trips to the Pro Bowl.

4 out of 6 for most any athlete translates to a long, successful career.

But you are not an athlete. You are an obstetrician. Delivering four out of six babies without dropping them makes you a Terrible Baby Doctor.

Q: What is the coldest city and temperature currently in the us?

A: It has to be where I am right now, on the balcony of my suite at the Radisson Hotel  in Nashville. I've only been out here a couple minutes and I am already freezing. I have never been this cold. I cannot stop shivering. I can't feel my feet. Or my legs. Or my hands really. Much of the below neck portion of my body is pretty numb.

This sudden cold front is rather strange. A few minutes ago it was sweltering. Sticky sweaty hot. So hot I was naked. With a woman. In the bed of my suite at the Radisson Hotel in Nashville. We had the air conditioning set to 65 but we were still sweating. And panting. Occasionally moaning. It was pretty damn hot.

Then some guy walks in the room yelling some stuff about being her husband and watching us all day and having enough evidence to win a fortune in the divorce. I couldn't make out most of what he was saying. We had the TV up real loud. And the woman was laughing pretty hard. Something about her pre-nup. The husband's face went red. He was hot, too. Everyone was hot. It was like an oven in there. Why is it so cold now?

I know I heard something popping. Five or six loud pops, like firecrackers. Then I got even hotter. Warm burning down in my stomach. Someone must have pushed me because I fell through the sliding glass door. I had no idea it was so cold out here. I wish I had grabbed my robe.

I hope I don't freeze to death out here. I've really never been this cold. I'm sure the nice lady in there will bring me out some blankets. Just as soon as she gets through making up with her husband. They're such a lovely couple. I'm glad to see them work things out.

Q: Why is not day all over the world at the same time?

A: You have angered the Sun Gods. They will not shine on you again unless you follow their rules.

First, you must forfeit all your material possessions. You don't have to go all crazy with it and give everything to charity or set it all on fire. Packing everything into small, light boxes and leaving  them at your neighbor's door will suffice. Your neighbor North of you, not the other guy. Giving anything to your neighbor to the South will only anger the Sun Gods more.

Second, you're going to have to show loyalty to the Sun Gods in the form of a sacrifice. Again, there's no reason to overdo this. The Sun Gods don't expect you to sacrifice your children or your wife or anything. A few cows will do, as long as they are well butchered, free of fat and grilled to a temperature of 125 degrees.  Once you've sacrificed the tender filets, leave them on a table in your backyard. The Sun Gods will help themselves.

Third, no matter what you hear coming from the backyard, you must never leave your house. The Sun Gods are shy and vengeful. They quickly anger at the sight of man. The sight of women is a different story. Feel free to send out your wife and attractive adult daughters and their friends. But be warned, the Sun Gods hate the sound of human clothing. It would be best for the sake of humanity that the women arrive naked. And slightly tipsy. Sober, uptight humans ask too many questions of the Sun Gods. Too many questions make the sun explode.

Fourth, you must trust what I have told you. I speak on behalf of the Sun Gods. Few know of their existence. The world is full of cynics and skeptics who will insist that the Sun Gods don't exist. Do not believe these people. They are merely jealous of your relationship with the divine. You will be able to spot them easily. They will approach slowly, with concern in their voice, trying to convince you that my voice is not coming from the Mystic Plains of Light and Thunder but from a speaker embedded in your walls. While the Sun Gods frown on human sacrifice for the purpose of proving loyalty they do condone the murder of heretics. But they will not condone said murder if you own your home. Some of these ancient religions are a little weird like that. Just to be safe, you better sign over the deed to a complete stranger. Someone completely random, like, oh, your neighbor.

North side.

Q: How do kids feel if they can't bring their phone to school?

A: Angry. Really, really angry. Often to the point of violence. If not that, at least yelling. Load, constant yelling that goes on for hours.

Kids rely on their phones. For today's youth a phone is more than a status symbol. It's a best friend. A buddy. Someone to cheer you up when you're feeling maudlin. Someone to remind you that you are not alone, by showing you naked pictures of internet celebrities. Someone to use as collateral to prevent a beating in the locker room. Those kids, the ones who make friends with the phone, those kids yell.

The kids who get angry are the kids who see their friend as more than a friend. They see their phone as an employee. They don't want their phone. They need it. Drugs may sell themselves, but not if potential buyers can't reach you.

There are a lot of opportunities to sell drugs for the modern high school student. Because teachers are sad. And they do a whole lot of self-medicating.