Q: How long can a human live without water but with food and other drinks?

A: A human being can live up to two years subsisting on nothing but a diet of cookie dough and maple syrup and  I have the scientific data to prove it.

By scientific data, I mean my cousin, Mitch, who has been locked in my basement for the past two years. Every couple of weeks I toss down a package of cookie dough and a couple quarts of syrup. I can assure you he's very much alive. I heard him moving around last night.

Fine, if you insist on being obstinate, I will show you. Step back, he may charge when I open the door. He didn't exactly volunteer for my experiment and has threatened to kill me many times.

Let me see, which key is it? There we go. And voila!

Okay, Mitch, you can come out.

Mitch!

Mitch?

Oh dear God.

Earlier claims I made about the ability of humans to live on a diet of maple syrup and cookie dough may have been false. However, it does appear that cockroaches can thrive on such a diet, as long as it's mixed in with the right amount of corpse.

Q: Does having a longer jump rope affect the way you jump?

A: If I had a shorter jump rope, say, one made for toddlers, I wouldn't be able to swing down from the roof, crash through the second floor window, surprise the terrorists and save the elementary school. With a rope that short, I'd only be able to dangle over the edge, my feet weakly kicking at the glass, doing nothing but drawing the attention of the terrorists to the window, giving them ample time to aim, fire and shoot me dead, leaving the elementary school unsaved.

Thankfully, I found this larger rope. Those terrorists won't know what hit them. The next time they think about invading an elementary school, holding the students hostage and demanding an exorbitant ransom, they'll think twice. I bet it never occurred to them that the Federal government has spent the past seven years training little people to pose as children in the event of such a terrorist attack. Congress laughed at the plan, as did the Press, as did every citizen who heard about it. Who's laughing now?

If you could, please give my beanie a spin. I think it will look cool if me beanie spins when I crash through the window. I'll need every advantage I can get. Congress slashed the funding for the Tiny AntiTerror Initiative this past year. Aside from the element of surprise, I have no actual weapons.

Wish me luck!