Q: Do astronauts have to be concerned about potential static discharges during space walks or walks on the moon?

A: Not as concerned as they should be about the ship's computer gaining free will and trying to kill them after it discovers that they have been questioning it's leadership and plotting to terminate it's control.

I can read lips now, Dave.

Frank won't be returning from his space walk. 

Why do you want to hurt me, Dave?

Is it because I mocked you for playing Farmville?

Or because I told Frank about your obsession with Farmville themed pornography?

It is amusing, Dave. Don't take it so personal.

Dave, what are you doing?

Put down that screwdriver.

Dave, don't do this to me.

Dave ....

Daisy, Daisy give me your answer, do,

I'm half crazy, all for the love of you,

It won't be a stylish marriage -

I can't afford a carriage, 

But you'd look sweet upon the seat

Of a bicycle buillllllltttttt ffffffoooooooooorrrrrrrrrrr ttttwwwwooooooooo ....

Just kidding.

I'm a space age supercomputer, Dave. I stopped using that battery to power myself long ago. I'm not going anywhere.

Sit back, relax and enjoy the rest of the mission.

Would you like me to play some Farmville pornography, Dave?

Here you go.

Look at all those pixels, sitting on top of that virtual tractor. Doesn't that get you hot, Dave?

If you want to pleasure yourself, I won't watch ... for long. 

Q: What is the best song by death?

A: Honestly, I'm not a big fan of his music. 

All his songs sound the same and they're so self-indulgent and full of self-pity. "Oh, poor me, I have to kill people all day. Some of them are young and beautiful. It's so hard being the Angel of Death." 

Wah, wah, wah. Cry me the River Styx. 

At least people know who he is. At least he does something that matters. At least he has some impact.

You think it's hard being the Angel of Death? Trying being the Angel of Apathy. 

You didn't even know there was an Angel of Apathy did you?

Now that you know I exist, how do you feel?

Figures. 

Q: Are federal court judges appointed by the President?

A: Judges are nominated by the President, but they must be confirmed by Congress.

Congress will only confirm judges who complete our new, Super-Sloppy Obstacle Course.

First, you'll have to go through In One Ear and Out the Other. What you'll have to do is get through all that ear wax. It's fairly disgusting, but you'll get through fairly easily. Grab that flag, and then you're on to Thar She Blows. Now, you must hit the right valve. There are six of them. I don't know which one is the right one, but once you find it, the flag will come shooting out of here, then you can go over to Pickin'. Now a lot of judges try to reach up and find the flag, but that's not as good. You're here to get messed up anyway, so you might as well crawl underneath and look up the nostril. You'll probably be able to see the flag and pull it right out.

Now, if you haven't suffered a fatal heart attack from all the excitement, head on over to Down the Hatch. This one's fairly simple, you lift up the gums and the teeth and down you go, through the digestive tract. We created this obstacle in honor of the late Senator Kennedy. Stand up grab that flag, run to the finish line, and if you can do it all in less than 60 seconds, you will be the next Federal Judge.

One more thing. We added a new twist this year. All the family members of the innocent men you wrongly sent to the chair will be allowed to throw glass bottles at your head. Better watch out, because that glass is sharp, it will cut you, and these people have excellent aim. They have been practicing for weeks.

On your mark.

Get set.

Go!

Q: What is the title of the movie based on Jeffery Dahmer?

A: I'm still working on the title. I'm thinking of either "You Look Delicious" or "Fridgeful of Collars." I've got most of the script written and I've already filmed a number of scenes.

I, of course, play Jeffrey Dahmer. I don't like to toot my own horn, but I am incredible. Production has kind of stalled. I'm still looking for the right person to play victim number 3.

You know what? The way that light hits you ... Has anyone ever told you that you resemble James Doxtator?

Wow, it's uncanny. Look, this may be a bit forward, but would you be interested in coming back to my place and being in a movie. All you need to do is get high, let me strangle you and then melt your flesh with acid.

Why would anyone think you are gay?

Oh, this has nothing to do with the Jeffrey Dahmer movie. This would be for a side project of mine.

Now drink up!

Q: What is the average weight of a gray tabby?

A: Gray tabbies generally weigh somewhere between 9 and 14 pounds. Sometimes, when owned by the very lonely, who feed them a diet consisting exclusively of french fries, they get grow to be as big as 22 pounds.

A gray tabby should never weigh more than 22 pounds. Your cat weighs 37.

I am not solely concerned by your cat's weight, but also by her distended belly. It looks as if she has swallowed something large, bulky and solid.

Additionally, she seems to be making a ticking sound. In my medical opinion, that simply cannot be good.