Q: Does a chip hurt a dog?

A: I spent eleven years designing this microchip, eleven long, lonely years stuck in a cabin in Nebraska, shunning society, my only friend an invisible Parrot named Mr. Cinnamon, working day after day after day, skipping meals, letting my hygiene suffer, straining my eyes - blindness creeping in - suffering hour by hour, minute by minute to design the perfect behavior modification chip, a chip that would make any dog behave, use the toilet like a man and prepare healthy dinners for a family of four.

I don't think I would have devoted a third of my life making such a chip if I wanted to hurt your dog.

Once I install this chip, and press this button, your dog will become the perfect companion. He will heed your every command, protect your home from intruders, dispose of his own waste, and thrill your guests with his culinary creations. Be aware, due to time constraints he will only know two recipes, Chicken Penne and Grilled Seabass with Wasabi Mashed Potatoes. At the end of the design process, I realized to program more recipes I would need to delete his ability to bark the song Black and Yellow by Whiz Khalifa. I think you'll agree I choose wisely.

Okay, chip's in. The bleeding will stop in a day or two. If it lasts more than a week, let me know. You can leave a note for me in an garbage can in Crescent Park. Trust me, I'll find it. One press of this button and you have the world's best behaved dog. There. He's ready.

Command him to sit.

That's odd.

Try again.

Does he usually foam at the mouth so much? Has he always had so many teeth?

Oh dear.

Please stop yelling, you're only making him angry. You should probably know that the microchip also gives him the strength of twelve dogs and the bloodlust of a Great White Shark.

I figured it wouldn't come up, unless you gave him an order to attack. Why would you ever do that if you wanted a well-behaved dog?

Now is not the time to argue over who misled who. We should stick together and join forces if we want to survive. Luckily I have an ace up my sleeve.

Mr. Cinnamon, attack!

Q: Is air considered matter?

A: On a molecular level, yes. On a useful, super-heroic level, no.

When you first showed up at our headquarters and introduced yourself as Matter-Eater Lad, I admit, we all had a good laugh. Just to be clear, the laugh was at your expense. Can you really blame us? Here we are, the Legion of Super-Heroes, the greatest superhero organization in the universe, and you show up, a fat kid with a ridiculous name. We figured we could make you run errands, trip you in the halls, smack your belly until you cry, then run you out of town, like we did with Metric Conversion Boy. But cooler heads prevailed and someone, probably Superboy, said "Hey, let's give this Lad a chance. His ability to consume all forms of matter might come in useful."

You see what happened there. He assumed you could consume all forms of matter. Planets. Gases. Missiles. Intergalactic telepathic starfish. Sentient supercomputers. Boats. Matter that, when consumed, might prove useful.

But you can't. All you seem to be able to "consume" is air.

You might call yourself Matter-Eater Lad, but you're nothing more than a fat kid trying to catch his breath. Was the name Constant-Disappointment-To-Parents Lad already taken?