Q: Is the movie or the book better?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Q: What were four of Benjamin Franklin's accomplishments?

A:
      1.) Publishing "Poor Richard's Almanack" a yearly compendium of weather, astrology, aphorisms, poems and saying. Also writing "Rich Dick's Yearbook." a largely unknown annual of limericks, letters, stories and lewd drawings.
  
      2.) Inventing the bifocals, which allowed him to ogle ladies near and far simultaneously.

      3.) Attempting to woo local maidens by bravely flying a kite with a key on the end during an electrical storm. Unsuccessfully attempting to woo local maidens.

      4.) Coining the phrase "all about the Benjamins," which he would use to direct French prostitutes where to place their tongues.

Q: Which team holds the record for the most penalties during a Super Bowl game?

A: I don't know who currently holds the record. I'm not a historian. I'm a football coach. But I know who will hold the record at the end of this game:

You.

All of you. The men in this room. You men are destined for the record books.

I know some you might now that we're already in the record books, for giving up the most points in a quarter and the most points in a half. For being the first team in Super Bowl history to trail by 72 points at halftime.

But we still have another half to play. The game's not over yet.

Now some of you might expect me to give the speech of a lifetime and yell and cajole and inspire and make you guys believe that we can come back and win this game.

I'm not going to do that. I have too much respect for you men. I'm not going to insult your intelligence.

We're not going to win this game.

We are simply not good enough. We were lucky to get this far.

Three months ago I hypnotized you men and made you believe that you were the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers. For three months you played like the 1975 Steelers and won game after game, all the way to the Super Bowl.

Well it seems that the hypnosis has worn off at the worst possible time. It must have happened last night, while you slept.

Let that be a lesson to all of you: Never trust a gypsy.

You men now realize that you are not the Pittsburgh Steelers. You are a collection of cast-offs and misfits and has-beens and never-were's.

There's no way you're winning this game.

But we can still make our mark on this game. We can drag this game out and get as much TV as possible. It's our last chance to be famous.

So I want you to go out there and hold. I want you to go out there and delay the game. Interfere with passes. Hit late. Conduct yourselves in an unsportsmanlike manner. Celebrate excessively after every touchdown you give up. And don't forget to clip. Clip life your life depended on it.

I want to see yellow flags flying on every play.

This is our chance to go down in history.

Let's make it happen.

Q: Do fax machines have memory cards?

A:  Fax machines don't have memory cards.

Or memories of any kind.

They won't remember a single thing.

Not a single moment of your awful, degrading, humiliating act.

Which is probably for the best.

Q: Who discovered the grand cannon?

A: A rebel pilot, sir. Some farmboy from a distant, backwards planet.

It seems he impressed the Rebel Alliance with his pluck and moxie and "can-do-spirit." They made him a pilot, and allowed him to fly in their assault, despite the fact that he has never flown a warship, has no military training whatsover, and is only a few weeks removed from farming dirt.

It's a real rags to riches story.

To make matters worse, the boy seems to have stumbled upon the cannon by sheer luck. He claims to have been following the advice of a robot and a wise man who lived in a cave near his home. As you know sir, robots can't talk. It has come to my attention that this wise man was murdered by one of our senior officers last week.

Obviously this boy is crazy, sir. I'm told he's also carrying on a romantic relationship with a girl who is very clearly his sister. You know how these country people are.

We'll simply have to chalk the loss of the cannon up to bad luck.

Don't worry, sir. We've already started building a new one, a far better one. One that can blow up planets half way across the universe. We've learned from our mistakes. We will not place the cannon's power source at the end of a small tunnel, unexposed and undefended, so that anyone could close their eyes, fire off a lucky shot and destroy it.

This time we've hid the power source on a distant moon, populated with peaceful primitive, bear-like creatures. We even stationed guards there. Two guards. Two of our most acceptable men.

What could possibly go wrong?