Q: What are three major things that set earth apart from other planets?

A: 1.) Earth is home to America, the greatest country in the Universe.

2.) Unironic use of phrase "reality TV stars."

3.) Bears have not risen up and enslaved humanity.

Q: How do you make your grandpa let you play computer everyday?

A: Try guilt.

If that fails, blackmail.

After that, the only solution is violence.

Q: How do baptists worship outside of church?

A: They travel in groups and always carry a bucket of water for emergency baptisms.

Sometimes, in a hilarious twist, they will replace the water with confetti.

People who think they are about to be baptized and be washed clean of their sins will instead find themselves covered with confetti while crowd of strangers laughs at them.

Hold on.

That's the Harlem Globetrotters.

I have no idea how baptists worship outside of church.

I am sorry for wasting your time.

Q: Can cysts or boils form from using methamphetamine?

A: If used correctly, meth helps you stay up all night, come up with a million great ideas, and meet tons of interesting new people.

It also makes your teeth stronger.

Clearly, you are doing something wrong.

Q: Is a monkey structural?

A: I guess not. You are probably right.

This monkey bridge was a terrible idea.

Lets go back to my original plan.

Where can we find 40,000 turtles?