Thursday, September 1, 2011

Q: Does a hot air balloon drop you off where it picks you up?

A: I have to admit, I'm not as familiar with hot air balloon protocol as I would like to be.

Sometimes when I'm up here, all alone, gazing into the windows of the girl's dormitory on 8th - the high rise -  I chide myself for my lack of knowledge.

Sometimes I even kick myself. Figuratively. I literally kick my dog. I'm not stupid enough to actually kick myself. My legs are strong; I kick hard. If I got injured, who would fly this balloon? Certainly not my dog. He can't fly anything, at least not since his untimely death.

I'm not sure how it happened, one second I'm kicking him because of my hot air balloon departure-arrival coordination ignorance and the next second  he's dead. I've thought about getting to the bottom of this mystery, maybe enrolling in some detective glasses at the community college, buying a magnifying glass, reading up on forensics, but I barely have time to eat, use the facilities, pilot this balloon and watch co-eds undress as it is. Taking detective classes and solving the Mystery of the Beloved Pet Who Asked Too Many Questions and Defecated All Over the Gondola and Whose Bark Alerted the Co-Eds will have to wait.

Maybe I could hire a detective to snoop around and ask some questions, but to do that I'd have to know how to land this thing.

That reminds me, I have no idea how to land this thing. If you want me to drop you off where I picked you up, you're going to have to build some sort of time machine, or create a false memory of where I picked you up. For instance, if you tell yourself that I picked you up in those high voltage power lines you'll be thrilled; that's where we're going to land.

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Ryan Callahan has written, produced, or directed shows for ABC, A&E, SHowtime, The CW, TVLand, Animal Planet and other networks even lower on your dial. When not making TV, or writing fake answers, he reads books, buys books, or buys books to read later. Follow WikiFakeAnswers on Twitter and Facebook