Q: How can you make oil paints dry faster?

A: You could use a fan, or a hair dryer, or wave your brochure back and forth real fast over the painting.

No matter what you do, the paint probably won't dry fast enough. At least not fast enough for you to escape.

I think people are on to you.

Hear those sirens? And all those people screaming?

And see those security guards running over here?

That's all because of you. Everyone's kind of ... freaking out.

They seem to have a problem with your creativity, and the way you express yourself.

Personally, I think you are right. The Mona Lisa was lacking something.

Specifically, a shoulder mounted laser and a cybernetic walrus sidekick. I think your additions really improve the painting.

But what do I know?

But I'm not an art critic.

I'm just an imaginary man who lives in your right ear.

Q: Why sand before varnishing?

A: Sandpaper gives the wood a rough edge and allows the varnish to soak in and really take hold.

That would be sand paper. Rough, gritty, sand paper.

Handfuls of sand, thrown haphazardly all over the wood, wouldn't help the varnish hold at all. All that sand would just make a mess of things.

But you know that already.

I think it's charming that you wanted to do something special for Mother on her big day, but creating the world's finest coffin might have been a bit more than you could handle, seeing as how you have never worked with wood before, and you only decided to make the coffin late last night, after many hours of heavy drinking.

I'm sure Mother would have been very impressed with your effort and would have taken back all those nasty things she said about you on her death bed.

You don't remember any nasty things?

I guess that would make sense. She often said them while you were in the other room, or when she was sure you weren't listening. I took the trouble to write them down, so you would have a clear understanding of how Mother felt about you.

I had them bound in book-form. Here you go. I suggest starting with the chapter "No One Can Break A Mother's Heart Quite Like A Son." It's a wonderful read.