Q: How tall is James Bond?

A: He stands over 6 feet tall, but once that laser beam reachs him, he'll be about half that.

Do you hear me, Mr. Bond? I intend to cut you down to size.

Damn, I wish we hadn't beaten him so much before we strapped him to that steel plate and started the laser. It would be nice if he could hear me taunt him. Throw some water at him and try to wake him.

Another bucket.

One more.

Wow. He's really out. We must have given him a concussion.

That leaser's going to tear right through him and I won't even hear him scream or anything. Kind of feels like a waste.

To be honest with you, I expected more of fight out of James Bond. Especially after all those movies I watched as a kid.

I also expected him to be younger. And fitter. And more athletic.

I didn't expect him to cry so much. Or to beg for his life. Or soil himself.

All rather disappointing.

You know what else is weird?

Right before we captured him, I heard him introduce himself to someone, not as "Bond. James Bond," but as "George Lazenby."

What kind of a code name is George Lazenby?

Q: Why does the Koala bear have a black nose?

A: Koala bears usually sleep for 23 hours a day.

Your pet Koala has been asleep for four days now AND has a black nose.

I don't know how to tell you this but, your Koala bear has become addicted to black tar heroin.

Even worse, he seems to be using it incorrectly.

Didn't he see Pulp Fiction? You can't snort that stuff. It will kill you.

I know what I'm giving you for Christmas: A lighter, a spoon, some needles and a package of rubber bands. If he's going to be a heroin addict, he should at least do it right.

This whole scenario is very strange.

Hold on, let me check something.

Yup, I should have known. Your Koala hasn't been asleep for four days.

He's dead.

I have no idea why his nose is black.

Genetics?

Q: How much greenhouse gas is released into our air by idling engines?

A: If you want me to turn off the car, you can ask me. You don't have to be so passive-aggressive. You can ask me.

Go ahead and ask me.

Go on.

No, I will not turn off the car. Would you like to know why?

I know you're the boss's son and this is your first time on a caper, so I understand that there are certain things that you don't know, things that must be taught. Allow me to enlighten you.

The first rule of driving a getaway car is: Never turn off the getaway car.

It's a pretty simple rule. I'm sure you can understand why we would have the rule. Once you're done robbing a bank and you sprint outside and jump in the getaway, the cops hot on your tail, the last thing you want to do is wait for the engine to turn over. It's literally the difference between life or death.

You also shouldn't ever park the getaway car. Or get out of the getaway car. Or take off for a second to go grab a burger or check in on an old girlfriend who lives in this neighborhood.

These rules exist for a reason. These rules exist to save lives.

You're a smart kid, I get it, but you can't learn everything in college.

And I think it's wonderful that you care about the environment. I'm sure it gets you laid all the time. But the lives of those men in there are more important to me than a few melting glaciers up in Greenland.

Hey, do you hear shooting?

Why are they all the way over there. The bank's at 127 East 3rd.

172 East 3rd?

Really?

Goddamnit!

Okay, kid, here's the deal. I know a girl who lives in this neighborhood. Real sweet girl. Got a kid sister, around your age. Really pretty. Why don't we go by there and say hello? And stay there for, two, three days?

Q: When were teachers invented?

A: From the dawn of time, man has had an urge to create. Some made cave paintings. Others danced, or sang or created elaborate costume dramas.

Others wanted very much to express themselves, but found the whole affair too demanding, or time-consuming, or they had knocked up the chief's daughter and suddenly had bills to pay.

These men became teachers. Someone had to look after the little ones all day.

Q: What are examples of wholesome entertainment?

A: There are so many!

Family Circus, the comic strip by Bill Keane.

The Berenstain Bears books.

Nickelodeon's hit TV show, iCarly.

Oh, and I heard about this wonderful new family act. They call themselves The Aristocrats. I've never actually seen them perform, but every comedian I know has heard of them. They must be wonderful!

Whenever the comedians start talking about them, I cover my ears and leave the room. I don't want anything spoiled!