Q: What are some famous quotes by scientist Matthias Jakob Schleiden?

A: "Who are you?"

"What are you doing in my house?"

"Are those my clothes?"

"If you don't leave, I'm going to have to call the police."

"Stop laughing."

I'm sure there are others, but by this point I had grown tired of his wailings and turned up the volume on his television.

Q: How can you stick to just one journal I'm always going on to different ones?

A: Develop Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

Childhood trauma works best, but since you are a grown man, that opportunity has passed.

Unless you have a time machine. Do you have a time machine? Are you building one? Can you take me with you? I've always wanted to visit Ford's theatre, on the day Lincoln was shot. They say John Wilkes Booth leapt to the stage from the balcony after the assassination, breaking his leg when he landed.

I wonder if anyone applauded? Even sarcastically. I would love to find out.

I'd be willing to pay, or, even help build the machine. I really don't have much going on these days, aside form writing in my journal and organizing my collection of professional wrestling DVDS, so - I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

Your journals. Right.

As I was saying, childhood trauma works best when trying to develop OCD, but any trauma will do. The key is to create a situation beyond your control, but that you think you should be able to control. You'll blame yourself for life and spend the rest of your waking hours focusing on whatever little, pathetic corner of the world you can control, all in the hopes of protecting yourself, and your loved one, both real and imagined,  from chaos. When I say it out loud, it sounds kind of silly, but - Excuse me, I need to move that painting, it's off center - you would be surprised how much it works.

Now, do you have any loved ones whose death would cause unbelievable psychic harm. A wife? A mother?

You have a wife and a mother? My, aren't you a lucky one? Who's more fragile?

Flip a coin.

It looks like your wife will soon enjoy the sky diving experience of a lifetime! If she survives that, encourage swimming with sharks, the cheapest package possible. If she's still alive after that, cliff diving. If she's still alive after that, try buying one journal at a time.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to re-alphabetize some lucha.

Q: What is the bird called where it is all black and has a brown head?

A: That bird is a raven. Normally, it would be all black. The brown will come off. It's only chocolate.

I placed the raven inside of a chocolate bunny, which I planned to give to my children on Easter Sunday.

I expected them to gobble down the chocolate, revealing the raven inside.

They would have been horrified. Perfectly horrified.

Easter would have been ruined forever.

Then I would never again have to line the pockets of the Cadbury family by purchasing one of their so-called "eggs."

That was the plan.

Was.

Turns out, ravens are strong, stronger that I could imagine. And they hate being inside a tiny, chocolate cocoon.

I guess my children will get to enjoy Easter once again.

Unless I can find a dead bunny in the next five minutes.