Q: What are three theories that explain the origin of language?

A: Theory #1: Early man was telepathic and had no need for spoken language. Early man was also violent and had a great need to beat each other with sticks and rocks and large fish. The beatings resulted in numerous concussions, decreased grey matter and the need for a spoken language. According to this theory, the first words were "Hey, quit it."

Theory #2: Words didn't used to mean things. They were simply a series of sounds used to denote one emotion: joy. Everyone felt joy, all the time, and expressed it constantly. Every word meant "I am joyful," from Joy to Happy to Apoplectic to Shenanigan to Balderdash to Uppity to Ralph. Then the fire-breathing dinosaurs rose from the sea and obliterated 90% of the known world and 100% of the joy. In an effort to reclaim the land humans needed to mount a coordinated offensive. To do that, they needed words that meant things. According to this theory, the first words were, "Ralph will be the decoy."

Theory #3: Life began with one couple, a man and a woman. They didn't need to talk much because they spent all their time making love. Sweet, sweet love. The kind of love that occurs once in a millennium, when a man loves a woman with his whole being, heart and soul together. Then the couple had children, children that grew to be teenagers. Attractive teenagers. Especially the daughter. Soon, the man had a need to keep secrets, thus language was born. According to this theory, the first words were: "Ssshhhh, it's okay."

As you can see, all of these theories are completely ridiculous.  Why don't go back to my place, enjoy a glass/box of wine and come up with a few of our own.

Don't tell your mother.

Q: How do you get surf after you beat your dad?

A: The same way you surf any other time: by paddling out there, being patient, timing the tide, catching the wave, leaping on the board, maintaining balance and riding that baby all the way back to shore.

By "baby", I mean "your surf board", not an actual baby. DO NOT RIDE YOUR CHILD!

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. I'm a little on edge. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's because I've been drinking too much coffee, maybe it's due to economy-related stress.

Or maybe it's because I just watched you savagely beat your father with a surfboard.

That's probably it. That was unsettling. I did not expect that to happen.

Wow. You got really angry there for a second. That was weird.

Anyway, have fun at the beach. You might want to give your board a good rinse before you head out, unless you want to attract the attention of the police. Or the sharks.