Q: How were the nuclear reactors removed from the USS Nautilus during her restoration to museum status?

A: Here's the thing, and I hope you can keep this quiet. I don't want one word of this spreading to the other tour groups. Some of them can be pretty jumpy. But you folks look like the type who can keep a secret. Besides, tomorrow's my last day. It's not like they can do anything to me. Anyway, here's the thing:

We never removed the nuclear reactors. We painted them over with scenes of sea life. Apparently, that was enough. As long as no one said anything, we could call this thing a museum, place some stanchions out front and start charging admission.  Just so you don't think we were heartless, we paid attention to our guests, making sure that their flesh didn't start burning or their eyes didn't begin to glow luminescent in the dark passages. We take our jobs seriously here. Our business depends on repeat customers.

Can you imagine the conversations? "How was your visit to the USS Nautilius Museum?" "Well, my hair tuned green, my skin broke out in volcano sized boils and the baby melted." "So nothing from the gift shop?" Who would want to come back? No one. That's why we keep a careful eye on every guest who wanders near the reactor and why we monitor the integrity of the ship every six months to make sure no radioactive material has leaked out.

We would monitor it more frequently, but most of the inspectors wind up rather deformed. Most of them, anyway. The rest wind up rather dead. Hard position to fill, as you can imagine.

That concludes our tour.  On your way out, please visit our gift shop. I recommend one of our glow-in-the-the-dark dolls. Just make sure you keep them away from food and children.