Q: Are mice long?

A: No. Nor do they have fangs, nor scales, nor a forked tongue. Mice do not slither. Mice do not shed their skin. Mice do not lay eggs. Most importantly, mice are not poisonous.

Snakes, however, are all of those things. You gave your brother a snake. That's why he was so surprised. That's why he screaming so much. That's why he went into all those convulsions.

Before you ask, no, your brother is not just sleeping.

Q: What obstacles did Kevin face?

A: Fear, shame, doubt, the potential ridicule of his peers, his family's legacy of failure, his own abysmal self-esteem. Those are the obstacles he faced. Metaphorically.

Literally, he faced hurdles. Ten of them, one every eleven meters. Turns out those were the most significant obstacles. And the most dangerous.

I really should have bought him the good prosthetics.

Q: How do you behave appropriately?

A: Every social situation, from a back-alley craps game to a State Dinner, has its own set of rules and codes. Navigating these rules, many of which are unwritten, many of which are contradictory, can be a challenge, even for the most talented social chameleon. But now, thanks to O.B.S.E.S.S.I.O.N., my simple social acceptance program, anyone, from any social class, can fit in anywhere.

When you find yourself in a new situation, unsure of how to act or what to say, take a deep breath, count to fourteen, and remember to:

O: Observe the situation.
B: Bomb a nearby car, van, rickshaw or building.
S: Secure cover from the blast.
E. Evaluate the survivors.
S: Secure a private conversation with a recent widow or adult orphan.
S: Seduce the recent widow or adult orphan.
I: Implicate your new lover in the bombing.
O: Offer to disappear for a substantial fee.
N: Never speak to anyone in this social group again.

By following the steps of the O.B.S.E.S.S.I.O.N. program, you'll always fit in, and always make out, no matter what new identity you've assumed.

Q: What are the three most common elements of life?

A: Obviously there are many elements that make up a life. But there are three clear elements that everyone, from the shuffling homeless man on the street to the pretty girl in Apartment 3C who smiled at you one time when you dropped your groceries, shares.

1) Fear - As my mother used to say, "If you are not afraid, you are not paying attention." She was an anxious woman. Government shutdown, the constant yet somehow forgotten threat of nuclear annihilation, bad drivers, young people standing on the street who laugh when you pass by, global warming, under-cooked cheeseburgers, feral cats, unemployed neighbors, satellites falling from the sky - there is something to fear wherever you look. Fear is what makes us strong. Fear is what keeps us alive. Fear is what motivates us to work harder, work longer, work better, sacrifice personal relationships, betray our friends, to make more money to buy the nice house with the big yard in the gated community with the security guards so that you'll have nothing to fear but eventual disease and inevitable death.

2) A Constant and Almost Painful State of Sexual Arousal - This one requires no explanation.

3) Shame - As my father used to say, "If you're not ashamed, you probably haven't left the house today." He was something of a shut-in. To be alive is to make choices. To make choices is to make mistakes. With each mistake comes regret, and, soon, shame, a kind of shame that will literally bring you to your knees and literally make you cry out in pain and literally make children throw onion rings at you and literally leave the manager of Dave and Buster's no choice but to call the police if you don't pull yourself together and go back to your own booth. Yes, everyone may be pointing and whispering or pretending to whisper but really speaking at a normal conversation volume to make their friends laugh, and many children will still be throwing onion rings, and you'll want to crawl into a cold, dark hole and never see another living person again, but that's what shame feels like. And shame means you're alive. Until the disease sets in.

Q: What are some good books to read before taking the acceleration test?

A: When it comes to test preparation, there's only one book you'll need:

The Bible.

It's thick enough to hold several cheat sheets.