Q: What is the difference between a responsible minister and a minister responsible?

A: "A responsible minister" is a type of minister, one who carries out his office as best he can, who follows moral and ethical guidelines, who maintains the public trust, who keeps his personal feelings out his his professional affairs, who sacrifices his wealth and and fame for the betterment of his constituents.

"A minister responsible" is the clause often used to identify a previously unknown government official and to explain the nature and severity of his crimes. Examples of this clause include, "Miles Higginbottom, a minister responsible for embezzling public funds to finance his failed career as masked vigilante Tire Iron Tim, refused to comment on the sudden surge in tire iron related attacks over the past week" and "Miles Higgenbottom, a minister responsible for telling a group of second-graders that Santa Claus is an elaborate hoax perpetrated by their parents, set fire to a center for recovering burn victims while attempting to demonstrate the improved response time of the volunteer Fire Department" and "Miles Higgenbottom, a minister responsible for the mandatory public rickshaw system, drove through a church today." Those clauses might seem familiar as they are all from recent nightly news broadcasts, and as they all feature you, Deputy Minister of Transportation Miles Higgenbottom.

You've had a busy week.

Q: How is Tim McGraw revolutionary?

A: He overthrew the government, burned down all the banks and executed anyone with a post-graduate degree. It doesn't get more revolutionary than that.

Don't call me crazy. It's all right here in this newspaper. This newspaper dated July 14th, 2021.

Oh. Yes, well, this is one of my newspapers from the future. That old German man who lived on the corner gave them to me. I mean, he didn't really give them to me, I kind of took them after he was arrested and tried and hanged for being a wizard. But he would have wanted me to have them. As long as you pretend he didn't know that I was the one who betrayed him to the authorities.

Anyway, enough about what happened last week. Let's focus on tonight. You better get dressed. The Tim McGraw concert is in an hour. I strongly suggest you go.

Q: What is a song that is about a government that can't be overthrown?

A:  I'll go one better than a song. Here's a national anthem.

Oh grand old Callahanastan,
Your fields are ripe with fruit.
Your women are so pretty.
Your clothes are so sweaty.
Your sports teams always win.

Oh grand old Callahanastan,
Where the work day starts at noon,
The weekend starts on Wednesday,
Moustaches are mandatory,
And Blu Rays are used as currency.

Oh grand old Callahanastan,
Founded so recently.
The people just decided
To surrender all power
After a bloody coup.


Oh grand old Callahanastan
Our loyalties run to you,
A benevolent ruler 
Of an exceptional land.
Please don't murder us

That's the anthem of a stable government. Whoever wrote that song, and their names have been lost to time but we can verify there were actual people, that the song was written by real people and not by the ruler of this country or a close associate, must have really loved the government. When you love something that much, the last thing you want is to see it end.

Fun fact about Callahanastan. The national anthem doubles as the constitution. You may find it weird that the constitution was written by a group of inspired citizens whose names have been lost to time, and not by any member of the government or the ruler himself, and ask why that is, but I would counter that by saying you have used your question for the day.

Q: Why is lemon rind added to this cake?

Q: Because we're going to turn the Prime Minister into a pygmy goat.

If you had paid attention during our meetings, or done any of the assigned reading, you would understand our plan. And you would have shown up on time, in the proper disguise. What kind of State Dinner invites a plate spinner?

Not in 2012. And certainly not one who spins paper plates. We're not here to entertain the Prime Minister. We're here to make him eat this cake, because, once he eats this cake, he will turn into a pygmy goat. 

That's why we're doing all of this - the disguises, the distractions, the drugging the guards. 

And that's why we added the lemon rind, and the gopher hair, and the volcano ash, and the clippings of  condor talons.

And that's why you should stop eating the cake.

Q: How can you volunteer to work at the white house?

A: Just show up at the front door and offer to help. It worked for me.

Yes, I was arrested, but it certainly wasn't because of my helpful attitude and can-do spirit. My lawyer thinks it has something to do with the animal pelts I wore. Some hadn't been cleaned properly and, well, they stunk a little. Apparently people were turned off by the faces mounted on my shoulders and back, specifically the faces of their recently buried loved ones. How foolish of me, thinking that the sight of a friendly face might help ease the stress of a long work day. You'd think I would have been treated as a hero, handed a Medal of Freedom and given an immediate audience with the President. At the very least, you'd expect some applause. Maybe a hug. Instead, they yelled. And cursed. And threw things. With remarkable accuracy. At no point was any consideration given to the amount of work I spent building my suit of pelts: researching family trees, scouring obituaries, digging up graves, carefully removing the faces without slicing off any distinguishing features. It's like none of it mattered.

Hopefully you can learn from my mistakes. Wear a suit. Maybe call ahead. Show up during business hours, instead of 3AM. Save the faces until you've met everyone and know a little about their relationships with the deceased.

I've made a lot of  bad decisions in my life, but there's only one thing I wish I could do over again: My visit to the White House. Well, two things. I regret all that time I spent caring about The X-Files. That shit didn't lead anywhere.

Q: How do presidents get citizens to vote for them?

A: By promising to do things that they will never do, have no intention of doing, are incapable of doing, or are impossible. In everyday life, such statements would be called "Lies"or "Outright Fraud"  but in the charming world of Presidential elections, they are called "Campaign Promises" or "Politics as Usual."

A Presidential candidate is not judged on his experience, which is often lacking, or his record, often spotty, or even his prior public statements, often contradictory. Instead he is judged on his ability to make you believe that he believes the words currently coming out of his mouth, even though you know these words are not true and will be forgotten as soon as he is elected. In a normal person we would consider such a trait "Pathological Narcissism" but in a Presidential candidate we call it "Electability."

If a candidate cannot win over the public with his fake sincerity, he will often resort to something known as "Negative Campaigning" or "Attack Ads" which you would recognize as "Character Assassination" or "Slander." Suggesting that a fellow human being, someone who has dedicated his life to public service, would trigger a nuclear war or put senior citizens to death or institute white slavery might seem beyond the bounds of human decency, and reveal its suggester as an unreliable, unscrupulous schemer, but this is what wins elections, tearing the other guy down.

If the traditional techniques of treachery, deceit and betrayal fail to capture the imagination of the voting public, a candidate has only one weapon left: stealing the election. But that requires a lot of political capital, the kind only a political  dynasty with a considerable fortune built on bootlegging or shady oil deals could posses. And dynasties like that only come around every 40 years or so.

Q: What do the cabinet do for the president?

A: The cabinet advises the President on the issues facing America. As essentially his top Lieutenants, they do his bidding across the land and ensure the country runs smoothly. They hold many meetings and give many speeches. In many ways, they are the face of the administration.

The Secretary of State is the nations top diplomat, and handles America's overseas affairs.

The Secretary of Defense manages the military, and works to keep our country safe.

The Secretary of Commerce works with the President to insure America's business stay in the black and we don't have another of those pesky recessions.

As for your position, well, I must admit I'm at a loss. I'm unfamiliar with the duties of the Secretary of Chocolate Pudding. I'm not really sure such a position exists. Let me take a look at your paperwork.

I see the problem here. Your so-called orders are nothing more than a giveaway from the Jello people. There's not need to be embarrassed. This type of thing happens all the time. LAst week we had a man insisting he was the Secretary of Sexy Ladies, but after three hours of shouting we convinced him he was just Vice President.

Q: How did Kim Jong-il die?

A: Since the death of the beloved dictator, speculation abounds as to the cause of the death, with most stories settling on the vague "heart attack" as if the 69 year old strong man, ruler for life, son of the Eternal President,  champion of the Korean dynasty, greatest lover of the world and  9 time winner of Soldier of Fortune's "Dictator of the Year" award could be felled by something as simple as a heart attack. The Supreme Leader survived half a century of constant American aggression. Clearly there is more to the story. Consider:

 - No trace of Diet Coke was found in his bloodstream or stomach.
 - Nowhere in the vicinity of his body did authorities find one can of Diet Coke.
 - In all  the known photographs or drawings or fan films, the Kim Jong-il is never depicted holding or drinking from a can of delicious Diet Coke.
 - Kim Jong-il never ordered an attack on the US Mainland to seize our supplies of life-saving Diet Coke.
 - In all the news reports following his death, there has been no mention of a link between the dictator's passing and a Diet Coke deficiency.

Now we can't come out and say that failure to drink six to eight cans of Diet Coke a day caused the premature death of the most beloved leader in the world - mostly because our lawyers are the jittery, easy-panicked type - but one fact remains:

Kim Jong-il did not drink Diet Coke, and now he is dead.

We can only hope his son learns from his mistake.

Q: What is an island off of New York?

A: There are a few islands which lie off of New York, but there is none greater than the island where I live. My island is home to the finest artists, writers, actors, directors, scholars, philosophers, singers, crime-fighters, dancers, grifters and comedians in the world.

The people of my island, the creative ones I mentioned above, and the people beneath them, the models and clerks and managers and supervisors and electricians and cab-drivers and baristas and salesmen, and the people beneath them, the thugs and trainers and lawyers and street people and cannibals and mad scientists, are the most handsome people in the world. They say it has something to do with the water. You can't throw a rock on my island without hitting someone extremely attractive. You should not throw that rock; despite appearances, the people of my island can fight. And they will. And only to the death.

There is never a dull conversation among the people of my island, never a misspoken word or an ill-advised or poorly timed joke, or even an awkward pause. Everyone here is remarkably charming. Our candidates for office don't make speeches; that would be tacky, and everyone knows what they stand for anyway, as every citizen of my island stands for the same things: Truth. Honor. Naps.

Naps are mandatory on my island, both before and after lunch, and on Mondays and Thursdays, during. Naps may be received as gifts - they are the only gifts allowed by law - but it is illegal to give a nap as a gift. Christmas has become the most dangerous day on island, and fewer survive it each year.

The mortality rate on my island is high, very near one hundred percent. According to the last census, conducted this morning, I am the sole living person. It didn't always used to be this way. Originally, there were two of us, but after we rowed far enough out to sea and finished securing the shoreline, I killed Chet. He made fun of me for talking to the pretty corpses. For the record, I wasn't talking to them; I'm not crazy. I was making them talk to each other. It's exhausting work - there's so many of them - requiring frequent naps.

My island is made of corpses. Entirely so. You probably guessed from the smell. Despite the smell and the bloating and the carrion, my island is lovely. That's why I call Lovely Island. Feel free to dock here and come ashore.

And you can't hear me.

Maybe the next boat will be closer. I hope so. I'm very lonely. And I could use some help with the female voices.

Q: What is it that all states request from all voters?

A: We, the elected officials of the 50 states, request that every voter, from the newly registered 18-year-old eager to the change the world, to the 81-year-old shut in who votes because it gives him a chance to feel relevant, take the time to learn about the issues at hand. The polling place is not somewhere to ask a lot of questions like, "What does this word mean?" or  "Which one of these guys will take my guns away?" or "What time do you get off? I wouldn't mind stuffing your ballot." That last one isn't even a question, more of a sleazy pick-up, and sleazy pick ups do not belong near a voting booth unless used by a candidate, and only then when whispered or written in a note when the candidate's spouse is in the restroom.

We request that all voters bath and wear clothes before visiting their polling station. Nice clothes, with collars and buttons. None of those ironic T-shirts of Ugg boots.The rest of the world follows our elections and, well, they already think we're idiots, on account of Bush's reelection. And Sarah Palin. And the whole "death panels" thing. Herman Cain's candidicy didn't help. Let's not give them any more ammunition. We cannot stress the part about the Ugg boots enough.

We request that voters cast their votes for real candidates, who have taken the time to make ads attacking their opponents, and spent the money to pay for those ads, and sacrificed many of life's perks, such as extended extramarital affairs or the joys of week long cocaine binges. Voters who write in names, of either real people who probably couldn't raise the money to even get on the ballot and couldn't possibly afford to run a proper campaign, or fictional characters who may be able to hold government jobs in the McDonalds Playland but would be unable to do so in the real world because they have a cheeseburger for a head,  think they are making a statement. They are. The statement is "I am an idiot." Please don't waste our time with your pathetic cries for attention. It is beneath us as a country.

Above all else, we request that voters continue to think that their vote counts. That it matters. That voters hold the safety of the republic in their hands, that we serve at their whim, that they are the voice we must answer to. That they are the fuel that run the engine of democracy. Please keep thinking this.

Because if you stop believing and start asking questions, we're in a whole lot of trouble. And I like my yacht.

Q: What does the idiom just a hair off mean?

A: Usually, it means "Very close" as in, "a hair's width," as in, "you missed your target ever so sightly, but you shouldn't beat yourself up; in fact, you should feel proud for even trying."

But I meant it differently.

When you asked if you had successfully hit the target and I shook my head and raised my hand in front of face, holding my index and middle fingers an inch apart, and I looked at you through the space between my fingers and I said, "You were just a hair off," I was being sarcastic. That's why General McCloskey laughed, and why General Bailey laughed, and why President Percival laughed and then began to cry. Because I was being sarcastic. Because I meant the exact opposite.

Your mission was to bomb Damascus, in Syria. You bombed Cincinnati, in Ohio.

Soldier, you cost us a swing state.

Q: Is rules a house of subcommittee?

A: Welcome to the U.S. House of Representatives. Congratulations on your election. You fought a tough and bitter campaign full of negative ads, push polls, race-baiting speeches and false promises and deserve to be here in the nation's capital. I'm sure you're excited to be sworn in, take the floor of the hallowed House for the first time and start making laws that benefit your largest contributors, but before you do, there's a few things you should know. In the U.S. House of Representatives, rules is not a subcommittee, rules are a way of life.

The first rule of the U.S. House of Representatives is that there are no rules.

The second rule of the U.S. House of Representative is that all rules, including and especially the aforementioned rule are subject to committee, followed by a floor debate, followed by a Yay or Nay vote; rules receiving a majority of votes will be considered passed following approval by the Senate, the House and the Senate together, and the President. Subsequently rules, including the aforementioned first rule are subject to amendments requesting financing for virtual reality petting zoos, super-conducting, super-computing, super-sized fried potatoes, and tastefully erotic photos of female staff.

The third rule of the U.S. House of Representatives is that there are many, many rules. This rule overrides the first rule of the House of Representative. For a full list of rules contact your representative. If you are your representative, go to the Library of Congress, look for the librarian with the withered hand and the one red eye - if you can't find her, ask for Janice - tell her that "The seeds of democracy are best watered with Yoo-Hoo, American's Favorite Chocolate Drink," and read whatever she gives you, except the map to her apartment and drawings from the Kama Sutra; Janice gets a little frisky and refuses to remove said erotica from the Congressional Rules Archive no matter how fiercely we paddle her.The paddling might not be the answer.

The fourth rule of the U.S. House or Representatives is that anything said on the floor of the U.S. House of Reprensentatives stays on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives. Or is broadcast on C-Span. Either way, it's not for public consumption.

The fifth rule of the U.S House of Representatives is that lunch is at 1:30PM and steak is mandatory. If you are a vegetarian, steak will be provided.

The sixth rule of the U.S. House of Representatives is that the work week contains 3 days, the month two weeks and the year 7 months. You are required to be on the floor for most of the votes during that period unless you're busy with your re-election campaign or you're on a fact-finding mission or you have a cold or you don't feel like it or you have tickets to an important football, baseball, basketball, girls' field hockey or professional wrestling match. Absences other than for the above mentioned reasons require letters from 51% of your constituents excusing you from service.

There are 167 more rules, but that's enough for now. I don't want to overwhelm you on your first day. You'll have the next two years to be overwhelmed, ineffective and a drain on the nation.

Q: Is it bad to have really long hair in the army?

A: If there's one thing the Army loves, it's long, lustrous hair. That, and personal expression. We feel that every soldier should have two basic rights:
               
                   1.) The right to express their personality in any way they see fit.
                   2.) The right to proudly display their glorious, flowing locks of hair.

What would cripple the morale of an opposing army faster,  an overwhelming display of force by wave after wave of bland, generic, clean-cut drones, or a six hour long interpretative dance performed by a merry band of colorful free-spirits?

Clearly the free-spirits would have the edge.

In fact, I think your hair isn't long enough. We ought to put in some extensions - really style it up, make you look fabulous.

Have a seat in this chair and we'll get to work. This will be great. We could even frost your tips.

Close your eyes, I want this to be surprise.

I don't hear any buzzing. You must be hearing something.

Electric razor? I don't even know what those words mean.

KEEP YOUR EYES CLOSED, MAGGOT!

Q: What is being done to eradicate poverty in Virginia?

A: A problem as serious and unsightly as poverty must be handled with a certain amount of discretion. To address the situation in broad daylight would certainly upset our fine citizens who would shudder at the sight of these poor wretches and perhaps lose all faith in our capitalist system.

We can't have that.

Thus, our decision to deal with this matter at night, under the cover of darkness, makes perfect sense. No one has to see these poor, miserable people with their rotten teeth, their awful hair cuts and their out of date clothes. Some of them still wear Zubaz, if you imagine that.

Plus, the darkness gives us ample opportunity to hide and sneak up on them. Unlike these sad, pathetic people, we have money and can afford the nicer things in life, such as night vision goggles and high powered sniper rifles.

Thanks to our clandestine efforts, we've been able to eradicate 500 hundred paupers over the last three months alone. We expect to eradicate a great deal more tonight. We set up a TV in that vacant lot over there. That really seems to draw them in.

I did say this was all off the record, right?

Q: How many cases of swine flu are there in Minnesota?

A: One month ago, we had zero cases.  Today, we have over twenty six thousand, and growing.

Every minute that goes by, another unsuspecting man comes down with this deadly disease.

There's no question what's behind this sudden outbreak.

Gentlemen, I hate to admit this, but it appears we made a terrible mistake when we legalized Swine Brothels.

Q: Are federal court judges appointed by the President?

A: Judges are nominated by the President, but they must be confirmed by Congress.

Congress will only confirm judges who complete our new, Super-Sloppy Obstacle Course.

First, you'll have to go through In One Ear and Out the Other. What you'll have to do is get through all that ear wax. It's fairly disgusting, but you'll get through fairly easily. Grab that flag, and then you're on to Thar She Blows. Now, you must hit the right valve. There are six of them. I don't know which one is the right one, but once you find it, the flag will come shooting out of here, then you can go over to Pickin'. Now a lot of judges try to reach up and find the flag, but that's not as good. You're here to get messed up anyway, so you might as well crawl underneath and look up the nostril. You'll probably be able to see the flag and pull it right out.

Now, if you haven't suffered a fatal heart attack from all the excitement, head on over to Down the Hatch. This one's fairly simple, you lift up the gums and the teeth and down you go, through the digestive tract. We created this obstacle in honor of the late Senator Kennedy. Stand up grab that flag, run to the finish line, and if you can do it all in less than 60 seconds, you will be the next Federal Judge.

One more thing. We added a new twist this year. All the family members of the innocent men you wrongly sent to the chair will be allowed to throw glass bottles at your head. Better watch out, because that glass is sharp, it will cut you, and these people have excellent aim. They have been practicing for weeks.

On your mark.

Get set.

Go!

Q: Is north America having democracy?

A: That's what we're trying to figure out. That's why we've called this meeting.

Many of us feel that we should choose to be a democracy, since it is the most fair, most just form of government. A government by the people, for the people can be more than a ideal dream. With enough votes, with enough courage, we can make it a reality.

Some of you disagree. I've heard rumblings of electing Washington king for life. I thought that's why we left England in the first place, and fought that war. Perhaps I misunderstood. I hope not. I was rather attached to my leg and would feel foolish if I had been in error to take arms against the crown.

A few of you have suggested a government determined by random draw, with the nation's leaders being selected every two weeks by pulling their name out of a wig. At the risk of offending some of you, I must say this suggestion is beyond ludicrous. It sounds like something a child would suggest.

A child did suggest it?

I thought children were banned. Children do not belong at this convention and have no place in the formation of government.

That was not a shot at you, Mr. Madison. Don't get so defensive.

As laughable as the child's suggestion may be, I find it more agreeable than Mr. Franklin's plan to have our nation ruled by a coalition of kites that have gained the power of sentient thought due to prolonged exposure to lightening.

Ben, please stop frequenting the brothels. And go see a doctor. The syphilis is affecting your judgment.

We seem to be at a deadlock. Can we all agree that, due the many sacrifices made by our countrymen in our war for independence, we pretend to be a democracy, for a time period of no less than eight years, simply to improve national morale? We don't actually have to be a democracy, we must only claim to be, and hope no one reads the fine print.

So, it's settled. Now let's all go get drunk and party with Jefferson's slave girls.

Please don't bring the kites, Ben. No one is ever impressed.

Q: Can a US senator vote for the vice president?

A: No one votes for the Vice President. Not directly anyway.

People vote for the ticket, the combination of President and Vice President. They are elected together, as a team. Senators have no control over the Vice Presidency, no matter what they claim.

So, despite what Senator Graham told you, Mr. Biden, he has no actual power over you. He didn't put you in office. He can't take you out of office.

He was just mad because you took the last piece of cheesecake. He loves cheesecake.

I'm sure he didn't mean to make you cry. Once he's done eating his cheesecake, and pointing and laughing at you, I'm sure he'll come right back over and apologize.

Q: What is the size of Northern Ireland in the United Kingdom?

A: Not very large at all. Terribly small, in fact.

If you take a look at this map, you will see that Northern Ireland is no bigger than our own kingdom. Please note, this map is not to scale.

In actuality, Northern Ireland is much larger than our kingdom. Every thing is, sir. It's the nature of new nations that they must start small, at the very bottom. Only be conquering foreign lands does a nation begin to grow.

Look at America. Once a mere thirteen colonies, now a vast and powerful country, stretching from sea to sea, and with holdings all over the globe. But that didn't happen over night. American's expansion took years.

You have to start somewhere, sir. What better place than Nothern Ireland?

And according to our intelligence, we should be able to conquer them with no problem.

Now, obviously, our intelligence in this matter is somewhat sparse. Our lone intelligence officer doubles as our  pool boy. You know Doug, sir. He compiled this report.

I'm not sure if report is really the right word. More of a drawing actually. But if I read it correctly, it seems that once we defeat a trio of Leprechauns, cross a river of green beer and wrestle a Bogman, we will rule the nation and all the glorious wenches will be ours for the taking.

Would you care to see the drawing, sir? There are many wenches and they have been rendered in exquisite detail. If he can't make a go of it as an intelligence officer, or pool boy, Doug might have a future as an illustrator. Although I do question his understanding of anatomy. And physics. Some of these wenches would have the most terrible back pain.

Nevertheless, Doug tells me they exist and they look forward to our arrival. He says they will treat us like liberators and will be very grateful. Very. Grateful.

At your command, I will ready the air force and navy for the invasion.

Be aware that the navy needs about an hour to get ready. We lost our bike pump and I'll need to inflate the raft by myself.

Q: Does Barack Obama have a brother that's in a commercial?

A: That's Barack Obama. He is a brother. That's an outdated slang term for a black dude.

And that's not a commercial. That's a campaign ad. A Barack Obama campaign ad. He's running for President.

I mean, he was running for President. Two and a half years ago.

You really need to catch up on your DVR. It's not cute anymore. It's getting annoying.

I really want talk to you about that episode of Community where they play paint ball, and I really don't feel like waiting two years.

By the way, Obama wins. Spoiler.