Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Q: Is SARS a viral disease of humans?

A: Yeah, it's a virus that causes difficulty breathing and is occasionally fatal. Rarely fatal, but it happens. Happened. It was a big thing for a while there. All over Hong Kong. You might recall all those Asians in face masks all over the news. More so than usual.

Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome, that's what it means. You know a disease is serious if they include Severe in the name. AIDS doesn't even have that. AIDS. And that's a bad one. Calling it SAIDS would change everything, not only the pronunciation. Sounds like SADS. Don't know if people would take it seriously if we had called it SADS. Although people took SARS seriously despite it's ridiculous name.

I'm just now noticing the phrasing of your question. Most people would say "Is SARS a viral disease?" and stop right there. But you didn't stop. You had more to say. "Of humans," you said. Of humans. Odd thing to say.

Odder still was the way you said it. Cold. Blank. Monotone. Emotionless.

Tinny.

Like a robot. Like how a robot would say it.

I've always suspected that something was off about you. The way you never engage in small talk. They awkward way you move and dance and play basketball. The way sparks fly out of your head when we make love in the shower.

I guess I should have known. Something so perfect, so beautiful, could never be human.

Do not pretend to cough for my benefit.

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Ryan Callahan has written, produced, or directed shows for ABC, A&E, SHowtime, The CW, TVLand, Animal Planet and other networks even lower on your dial. When not making TV, or writing fake answers, he reads books, buys books, or buys books to read later. Follow WikiFakeAnswers on Twitter and Facebook