Q: What dog breeds suit police dogs?

A: If you need a dog to maintain public order, scaring crowds and keeping mobs at bay - you know, the fun stuff -  use a rottweiler. German shepherd in a pinch.

If you need a dog to sniff out some drugs - say you've pulled over a van of dirty hippies and you need a reason to toss their peace-loving asses in jail to prevent them from corrupting the youth of the community  - you're gonna want a Labrador. If there's drugs to be found, they will find them. Works best if they know where you planted them. Otherwise you'll be out there all night, listening to some long-hairs bitch about the Fourth Amendment, when you could be out busting up high school keggers, exchanging get out of jail free cards for sexual favors. Take my advice: don't actually hand out cards. You don't want a paper trail.

If you're tracking someone, either a fugitive, a suspect, or a pimpled teenager hiding in the woods with an iPhone - did you know those things have cameras on them? - you're gonna want a bloodhound.

At the end of the day, once your police work is over, once you find your fugitive, or suspect, or teenager, and you break his phone, and put the fear of God in him, and swear him to secrecy, and pull your pants up, and beat him some about the jaw with your night stick to guarantee his silence only to accidentally kill him because kids today aren't as tough as they used to be, you're gonna want a dog waiting at home for you, a dog who won't judge you, who won't look at you sideways when you pick up a six pack of beer and thirty feet of plastic sheeting at Walmart, who'll sit in your lap and lick your face and fill that gaping whole in your being where most folks have a soul. That dog should be a corgi.

Isn't that right, Mr. Mocha? Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?