Q: What foods go off most quickly?

A: Son, this is kind of awkward.

All those years we spent playing soldier in the backyard, we were doing that - playing. We weren't invading anyone, or defending anything. We were having some fun, a father and son, bonding, laughing, safe in the world of make-believe.

I thought you understood that.

When I bit the stem off an apple and tossed it over the house like a grenade, I was playing. It didn't really explode. I made that sound. With my mouth.

Apples don't explode. Bananas aren't dynamite. Gourds aren't olde-tyme grenades. Watermelons won't annihilate an entire village. Fruit won't kill anyone.

Sooo, you might want to reconsider your plan to take the whole town hostage with your fruit arsenal. Because it's not going to work. Everyone will laugh at you.

Haven't you had enough of that by now?

Q: What advantages do chicken have over beef?

A: Chickens are smart. They're strong. They're fast. They know how to fight.

They know how to kill.

When backed in a corner, they will attack, with reckless abandon - wings flapping, beak snapping, claws tearing - until they can't attack anymore.

They don't walk in a circle, lie down and wait to be slaughtered. That's what cows do. As you just saw.

But that's typical of a dairy farmer, bringing a cow to a cock fight.

Q: How do you borrow money from a child's beneficiary annuity?

A: If you need money, Daddy, you can ask me. You don't need to go behind my back and steal from my future.

Did you lose at the track again? Is that why you need money?

You know you shouldn't bet based on the horse's name. They give the best names to the worst horses. That's how they get you.

Don't cry, Daddy. It's okay. I'll give you money if you need it. You can have all the money in my piggy bank. I was saving up to buy a Barbie Glam Convertible, but it can wait. You need thumbs more than Barbie needs a car.

Take whatever you need. Don't feel bad. Everyone makes mistakes.

Just don't make the mistake of not paying me back. You have no idea what I've had to do to get that money. If you try to stiff me, I'm going to take a lot more than your thumbs.

Good night, Daddy. I love you.