Q: Why won't my wife wear her wedding rings in the house?

A: You are in the wrong house.

That is not your wife.

That's why she's screaming. And crying. And throwing things at you.

Stop trying to re-propose. You're making it worse.

Q: How do you put a colony on Mars?

A: First, we send over architects and contractors, to build homes and offices and amusement parks.

The amusement parks are key. They give the kids something to do. And they are very lucrative.

Once that's all set up, which should take a couple years, we start holding raffles on Earth. Five thousand dollars a ticket and twelve lucky winners, and their families get to colonize Mars.

They'll fly out there, settle in and start a new life. Soon, more raffles will be held and more people will follow.

After a few years, we'll stop the raffles and just open up the border. By that point, there should be enough of an infrastructure to support the millions of new immigrants.

We should have enough apartments and farms and cops and brothels and casinos to squeeze these people out of every nickel and dime they have. Then, once they are broke, they'll basically be our slaves. What are they gonna do? Build their own rocket and fly back to Earth? I don't think so.

Yup, colonizing Mars will be a goldmine. I thought of everything.

Well, almost everything.

It has come to my attention that the atmosphere of Mars is rather ... Inhospitable.

People can't breathe the air. There's no air to breathe, really.

Our first team of contractors and architects quickly choked and died. I guess some even exploded. Something to do with the lack of air pressure.

I don't really understand all the details. I am an entrepreneur, not a scientist.

That's why I need this loan. I need to buy some space suits for the next team of architects and contractors. And I'm going to need them by noon tomorrow. So, if you could just approve the loan right now, that would be great.

I'll wait.

Q: Can you pull a ligament in your knee while doing a front handspring?

A: You probably can. But you'd need a reason to do a front handspring.

Like scoring a touchdown.

Judging by the way you're throwing the ball, that's probably not going to happen.

Look, Jay, if you want to come out of the game that badly, you don't have to actually injure yourself. Just say your knee hurts. Quarterbacks get hit on nearly every play. Just start limping around, then at halftime, tell the trainer that your knee really hurts. When they bend it and poke at it, just wince and moan a lot and tell them it really, really hurts.

Oh, and insist on playing. Say you really want to play. That way no one will suspect that you don't actually want to play. That you would rather hide in the dark and sob.

No matter what you do,  keep limping. They're never let you play if you can't put weight on that knee.

Then you can spend the rest of the time on the sideline, all to yourself. That way you don't have to worry about all those mean fans booing you and yelling at you and expect you to care about a game they're only paying you a few million dollars to play. You can even keep wearing your uniform, so you still feel like part of the team.

And I promise, not matter what happens, win or lose, I'll take you to get ice cream.

Q: Why is the left ventricle of the heart bigger than the right side?

A: You have a bullet lodged in there. That's also why it's bleeding.

I told you to grab a vest before we left the station. But you wouldn't listen.

I told you to wait for my signal before charging in the house. Again, not good at listening.

And I'm pretty sure I told you to seek cover when the shooting starts, to hide behind a door, or flip over a table. I'm pretty sure I didn't tell you to dive through the window, scream, then stand in the middle of the room firing your gun in every direction.

I have to admit, it was pretty funny when you dove through that window and yelled "Supplies!"

We all got a good laugh out of that. We tell that joke all the time down at the station.

Those drug dealers were pretty surprised, too. Not as surprised as you were, once you realized we had loaded your gun with blanks.

I probably should have told you about that. We don't allow civilians to carry loaded weapons. Department policy. Sorry about that.

Of all the actors we've had ride along with us to research a role, you are the most fun. And the best cop.

Your ridiculous heroics created enough of a distraction that we were able to enter, through the back door, and take out those drug dealers, without a single shot fired.

Except for all those shots they fired at you.

Nevertheless, we're all really proud of you. Your heroism will not go unnoticed. The Commissioner plans to give you a medal.

Posthumously, of course.

Q: What is the order in which water erosion occur?

A: First the rains come. Then the sinners and evildoers, murders and pimps, rapists and whores get washed away.

Then the loose sediment.

Then the trees and the shrubs, the cars and the buses, the beasts that walk on land, the serpents and the trash cans.

The water destroys everything above the ground, drowns all who cannot swim.

Eventually, the water eats away at the buildings and the bridges, the homes and the towers. Everything built by man gets wiped out.

All that remains are the birds in the sky, and the fish in the sea.

And, of course, the mermen. And the mermaids.

People used to laugh when I began to have sex with fish. They thought my plan to create a race of men-fish hybrids, to rule the post-flood world, was absurd.

I don't hear anyone laughing now.

Oh.

The rain stopped.

That wasn't even an inch.

And I hear them laughing again.