Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Q: Is there a Florida law that that determines the hours of operation for a pool in a condominium community?

A: The pool hours of operation are determined by the Homeowners Association.

They have been determined and they have been posted.

The posted hours are from 9AM to 9PM, Monday through Friday, and from 10AM to 8PM on Saturday and Sunday.

Allow me to take this opportunity to clear up any confusion.

At no point, during any of those hours, does the Homeowners Association allow anyone, for any reason, with any tool, not hook and line, nor harpoon, nor spear gun, nor net, to fish for children.

Q: Why do companies sell their stock?

A: To raise money for future expansion.

I wouldn't even know what a "sell-off" is. I'm not familiar with that term.

Why would all the top executives of Spineutech, a highly successful pharmaceutical company, sell off all their stock? That doesn't even make sense.

Bankrupt? Why would - That was one report! About one test. It's nothing to worry about. Do you have any idea how many of our competitors new drugs result in, what was the term they used? ... Infant Spinal Jettison?

I don't have the exact numbers in front of me, but it's a lot.

If you really think we're the only company that sells a drug that makes the spine of infants spontaneously liquefy and fall out, well, I don't know what to tell you. You are being awfully naive.

Now about all this stock for sale. As I said, there is a lot of it. And it is very cheap. For the low, low price of $12,000, you could become the majority shareholder today.

Oh.

No, I didn't know that.

How long ago?

Just liquefied and fell right out?

God, that's awful.

Just terrible.

Are you aware of the great advancements being made by Spineutech in the field of Infant Exo-Skeletons?

Q: Why do some adults think it's immature for other adults to watch cartoons?

A: Because some adults are uptight, and judgmental, and hate to see anyone else happy, for even a moment.

Some adults think every other adult should have a job.

Some adults think it's wrong for other adults to sit around all day and smoke pot.

Coincidentally, these are the same adults who think it's immature for me to watch cartoons.

For the record, the adults in question happen to be your mother and grandfather.

If they call, don't tell them I was over here getting high and watching cartoons.

In fact, don't tell them that I was here at all.

I really shouldn't be here.

Because of that court order.

Q: Why are the effects of acid rain important?

A: Purple Rain.

Purple Rain


The Prince film, and the accompanying soundtrack album is named Purple Rain.

Don't get all testy with me.

You're the one who dedicated eight years of your life to the study of that funny, little man from Minnesota and his  influence on music. The least you can do is remember the name of one of his albums when defending your dissertation.

Q: What is the mood chart for the Collezio mood watch?

A: The colors indicate mood as follows:

Red: Angry. Irritated. Possibly on fire.

Orange: Inconsolable at the loss of a trusted friend, your old Sega Genesis version of Lakers vs. Bulls and the NBA Playoffs.

Yellow: Regretting your decision not to follow your father into the safe, stable, often lucrative world of insurance and instead choosing to study theatre at Julliard, Yale Drama, and The Actor's Studio, resulting in your current job, playing a mute banana in the latest Fruit of the Loom campaign.

Green: In midst of transformation from Dr. Bruce Banner into The Incredible Hulk after heated conversation with General "Thuderbolt" Ross over parking space.

Blue: Annoyed at self for forgetting safe word.

Indigo: Wildly in love with the latest object of your affections, who also happens to be named Indigo, yet mildly annoyed by the exorbitant cover charge and two drink minimum at her place of employment.

Violet: Joyful. No one in school history has ever beaten such a nerdy child so savagely at recess. You will be the toast of the teachers' lounge for months.

Black: Deceased, but starting to feel better. Wishing last will and testament had required four days between death and burial instead of three.

About Me

My photo
Ryan Callahan has written, produced, or directed shows for ABC, A&E, SHowtime, The CW, TVLand, Animal Planet and other networks even lower on your dial. When not making TV, or writing fake answers, he reads books, buys books, or buys books to read later. Follow WikiFakeAnswers on Twitter and Facebook