Q: Is there a substitute for brandy when cooking?

A: There is no substitute for brandy in any part of life. Except a plastic bag full of bathtub gin made from apricots and raisins and pennies. I doubt you have that.

You do have that? Really?

Wow, I sure lucked out when it came to cell mates. You certainly do have everything. I'm sure you've heard this before, but you're kind of perfect.

If only you'd sleep on your stomach every once in a while.

Q: How do you get your boyfriend to kiss you for the first time if you are both scared?

A: Put some peanut butter on your face.

I assume your boyfriend is a horse.

Q: What is responsible for sudden movements in the body?

A: It could be that you are tired, or tense, or having a muscle spasm.

It's more likely you have been impregnated by an alien parasite and are about to give birth to a horrifying creature with razor sharp claws and teeth and acid for blood.

There's only one way to be sure: We are going to have to kill you and burn your body.

No, an X-Ray would take minutes and we simply do not have the time.

If my theory is right, you'll thank me. It would be pretty painful to have that monster burst out of your chest.

If my theory is wrong, don't worry, I will console your very attractive wife. I'll tell her you went mad and tried to kill us all, so she won't feel bad.

Q: Are wind turbines a good idea?

A: That crazy old man and his little Spanish friend seem intent on fighting something. I just had that dragon decal put on my car. I don't want it to get all scratched.

Q: Why do people sometimes have a worse allergic reaction to a substance the second and third time?

A: This batch of crack has more cat hair in it. Much more. To an embarrassing extent.

I'm sorry, but my overhead has gone way up and I've had to cut costs somewhere.

By overhead, I mean "lean-to". As you can see I upgraded to a refrigerator box. It's larger and keeps the cats warm.

They get colder quicker now that they are hairless.