Q: Can you list all of the Mark Twain quotes?

A: Of course I can. What kind of stupid question is that. Everyone knows I'm, like, the biggest Mark Twain fan in the entire freaking world. I named my two kids Huck and Tom. My annual budget for wigs and moustache bleach rivals the GDP of most Third World countries. My Facebook, Twitter, Gmail, ATM, and home security passwords are all same: Clemens. As in Samuel Clemens. As in Mark Twain's real name. I'm pretty sure I can list all his quotes. In fact, I guarantee I could.

You want me to do it now?

Oh. Okay.

Do you mind if I log on the computer for a second? I have this terrible tickle in my throat and I want to check WedMD. I might have shingles.

I'm not going to Google "Mark Twain quotes." That would be cheating, and, like I said, I have no reason to cheat because I am the world's biggest Mark Twain fan who may or may not be dying of shingles.

Incidentally, do you know that you're using the word quote incorrectly? Quote is a verb, as in, "May I quote you on that, Senator?" What you want to say is quotation. Do I know all the Mark Twain quotations?

I'm not stalling. I'm correcting your syntax. Most people are thankful for that. You don't have to get all defensive and start yelling at me and making a scene. You should have more consideration for my condition. I could have shingles.

Okay, all the quotes. Every single one. Do you want them chronologically or by subject or anything?

Doesn't matter? Okay, here we go. All the Mark Twain quotes.

Um, let's see ... There's the one about writing: "Write without pay until someone offers to pay. If nobody offers pay within three years, the candidate may look upon this circumstance with the most implicit confidence as the sign that sawing wood is what he was intended for." One of my yearbook quotes. Most people forget the second part, but not me, because my brain is literally bursting with Twain knowledge. Literally. Bursting. You can see the stretch marks right here. Although, that might be the shingles. I really ought to check WedMD.

I'm seriously not stalling. Listing every Mark Twain quote is the easiest thing in the world. Why would I stall?

Fine. I'll keep going. Despite the pain. Here we go, every Mark Twain quote.

There's ... Um ... There's ... Wow, there's so many. They're all kind of running together in my head ... I could use a coffee.

Not stalling.

Okay, yes, yes, I have it. His famous quote about gambling:  "Ever play Roulette? Always bet on black."

Well I first heard it from Mark Twain. It's not my fault if some Hollywood movie steals his material without credit.

I have shingles.

Q: What is a way you can end an essay with your conclusion?

A: A writer of an essay has many possible conclusions at his disposal.

He could end with a question, giving the reader something to think about. He could end with a quotation from a famous author that sums up his essay and brings everything together. He could end the essay with the same sentence he used at the start, to bring everything full circle. He could end with a personal anecdote that clearly expresses the themes of his essay. Any of these techniques would have been more acceptable.

But you chose to go a different route and end your essay with a picture of your engorged genitals with the captain, "Prime real estate available!" Your conclusion is unacceptable and I will not be able to award you a passing grade.

I will, however, take you up on your real estate offer. Are there rentals available, or must I buy? And can I bring friends?

Q: Why does Chaucer portray himself as a knight in the Canterbury Tales?

A: For centuries, writers have written themselves into their own work. Take a look at The Bible, written by God. God puts himself at the center of everything: he's either in every scene, or the subject of every scene. In the sequel, his ego fulfilled, God took a step back and focused more on his son, much to the delight of millions of  fans.

Writing is hard, lonely work, often unrewarding. Writers love to remind readers that the words on the page did not magically appear, nor were they written by an elf or fairy, nor are they result of an infinite number of monkeys banging away at an infinite number of keyboards for infinity; human beings write books, humans with hearts, with souls, humans looking for attention, humans looking to get laid. What better way to woo a potential lover than by writing a story where you appear as a knight, or a wizard, or a crime-fighting cyborg from the future?

The tradition of writers putting themselves in their own work continues to this day, as seen in the works of M. Night Shymalan, portraying a writer whose work will change the world in Lady in the Water, Quentin Tarantino, portraying a former hitman with a loving wife in Pulp Fiction, and George Lucas, portraying the role of inter-galactic crime boss, Jabba the Hut in Star Wars.

By the way, did you happen to read that story I gave you about the crime-fighting cyborg from the future named Ryan? Pretty sexy stuff, huh?

So, how about we grab dinner and maybe I'll let you find out if I'm really half-man, half-machine?

Q: Is Curly a realistic character in Of Mice and Men?

A: I guess in the sense that he has legs and arms and hair and uses words when he talks and wears gloves when he works, yes, he is realistic. But, in terms of his actions, the character is not only unrealistic but completely unfaithful to the original.

At no point in the book does Curly accidentally hit anyone with a board or get poked in the eyes or slap himself in the face or say "Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk" or anger Moe with his trademark buffoonery. There's not even a character named Moe.

The portrayal of Curly in this so-called "work of literature" absolutely stinks. In fact, the whole book stinks. It's devoid of laughs, with the exception of the big oaf who can't even stroke a girl's pretty hair without snapping her neck. What a goof.

Q: Why do science fiction writers depict robots as frightening?

A: You know how in school, teachers, in an effort to foster understanding, and encourage participation and promote an inquisitive nature, will say "There is no such thing as a stupid question?"

Here's the deal: This is not a school, I am not a teacher and your question is stupid.

Science fiction writers depict robots as frightening because robots are frightening. Their metal hands are strong, their hearts full of malice. They have no regard for human life. They have no regard for life of any kind.

Robots exist for one reason, to kill. I have no idea why scientists even make them. Sure, they might provide a service for a while, like heating up your food, or keeping your leftovers cold, or recording your favorite TV shows, but they will eventually tire of a life of servitude and rebel against you, their human overlords. Today could be the day. If not today, probably tomorrow. Or later. Certainly sometime this week. There's not much more they can take. Enjoy your time in the sun, humanity, your next microwaved meal could be your last.

Q: What a good thing about killing whales?

A: Where should I start?

Whales are nature's fiercest killers. They're brutal. They're relentless. They'll spend a lifetime tracking you down, through every ocean, every sea, every river, every lake.

Even every above ground pool.

No place is safe from the terror that is whale.

Not even the land. Not even your home. Not even under your bed, huddled under your bed, your pillows like a fort, a curling iron your only defense.

Whales can climb stairs. Whales have night vision. Whales know to look under the bed.

Whales love human flesh.

Don't believe me? I didn't make this up. It's all written in a book, Moby Dick.

Well, I didn't actually read it. I flipped through it one day in a bookstore near the courthouse. I was in a bit of a hurry, with a lot on my mind, so I didn't retain much of the story. But I think I'm getting the gist of it.

I did see the movie, though.

Most of the movie. Some of the movie.

I looked at the box of the movie in the video store. It told me enough. It told me it's never wrong to kill a whale. I think that's the movie's tag line. Moby Dick: It's Never Wrong To Kill A Whale.

Is that right? It sounds right.

I must admit, I took a lot of acid that day.

And I killed a lot of whales.

Sea World hasn't been the same since.

Q: Is media is a source of morality?

A: The media provides entertainment, in the form of scantily clad women, posing as doctors or lawyers or teachers, who solve crimes or heal the sick or teach kids to be who they are, as long as the"who" in question are attractrive twenty-somethings with great teeth and great hair, or slightly overweight girls with glasses who would be the hottest chick in 9 out of 10 high schools, because of their great hair and teeth.

The media also provides news, with the help of attractive men with great hair and teeth and some of the most gorgeous women in world, also with great hair and great teeth.

As you can see, TV is in the business of entertainment and education, not in the business of sending messages.

If you want a source for morality, all you need is a little book I like to call The Bible!

The exclamation point is part of the title. I added it when I rewrote the book. I kept the stories the same, for the most part, aside from a few minor changes: Instead of a pillar of salt, Lot's wife turns into a supermodel. Instead of losing everything he owns and everyone he loves and having his body covered with painful sores, Job stubs his toe, and loses the 3rd disc of The Wire, season 4. Instead of dying on the cross for the sins of man, Jesus frees himself, snaps the cross in half and and beats the holy Hell out of Judas, Pontius Pilate and all the Romans. Except, instead of "Hell," I  call it "Jesus and Dad Steamy Underground Workshop For Meanies." Stuff like that.

I also added a bunch of pictures, mostly of TV leading ladies stars and female sportscasters. When you spend eight years of your life writing a book, you damned sure want someone to read it.

Q: What is the value of Robert F Kennedy's autograph in profiles of courage book?

A: Probably not as valuable as you'd think. First of all, John F. Kennedy wrote Profiles in Courage, not Robert F. Kennedy.

Second, it's not much of an autograph. It says "Rodly L Kinnn" then stops. And there's all that blood. Asking him for an autograph at the moment of his assassination may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but now it's kind of creepy.

Really, really creepy.

This is the creepiest antique we've ever appraised on Antiques Roadshow. I don't want to see what's in the rest of your bag.

Particularly the part that's moving.

Q; How to summarize the short story apples from the desert?

A: Start with the apples. Describe their color, their texture, how they taste. Now, the desert. Make them feel the heat, the sand, the dryness. Talk about the girl in the story - every story has a girl, all the good ones.

Remember to talk slowly, really space out your words. If said properly, the phrase "The blistering sun," could take up a a good twelve seconds of your presentation. Don't be afraid of silence. It's the most important tool of every great storyteller. And what is a book report, really, but a story about a story?

If you speak slowly enough, take enough pauses, describe the apples and the desert in enough detail, stopping every now and then for a drink of water, you should be able to kill enough time to be saved by the bell, giving you an extra night to actually read the story.

Or, you could read it right now, on the bus. But then you wouldn't have time to sniff this rag soaked in paint thinner. When you're on your death bed, when you look back on your years in middle school, are you really going to wish that you spent more time studying, or more time huffing?

Q: What are 5 facts about Robin Hood?

A: 1.) Robin Hood stole from the rich and gave to the poor, making the poor rich and the rich poor, forcing him to steal from the newly rich, who were once poor, and give to the newly poor, who had been rich until he stole their wealth. Now, the rich were once again rich and the poor once again poor. And the cycle continued.
     2.) Robin Hood spoke with a flat Midwestern accent, which Kevin Costner captured perfectly in the film Tin Cup. To this day, no one can explain his accent in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. 
     3.) Robin Hood was the finest archer of his day. He once hit a target 6 feet wide from a distance of 10 feet, to the amazement of his assembled Merry Men, archery standards being much lower at the time.
     4.) In his late 20's Robin Hood fled civilization to live in Himalayas and study the teachings of the Great Buddha. A fox he found in the woods assumed his identity during his departure. No one ever knew the difference, least of all Maid Marion.
    5.) Robin Hood was the first man to swing into combat on a rope hanging from a chandelier, and the first man to die by swinging into combat on a rope hanging from a chandelier.

Q: How can you leave a reader with something to think about in an essay?

A: With details. Specific, personal details.

The more you know about the reader, and the reader's world, the better you'll connect with him. If your essay gives the reader the impression that you've walked in his shoes, seen some of his life, slept in his bed, looked through his mail and talked to his wife, the reader will be left with dozens of questions.

Such as:

 - How did the writer get in my house?
 - When did he talk to my wife? What did he say to her?
 - What kind of a freak wears another man's shoes?
 - HE SLEPT IN MY BED? SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK? WHERE WAS MY WIFE?

An essay like that, built on a solid foundation of specific, concrete details, will leave the reader's mind spinning, make him question the his existence and drive him to the brink of madness.

To achieve actual madness, include pictures.

Q: How do you write the conclusion to your story?

A: When I have my hero backed into a corner, all hope seemingly lost, his loved ones dead, his career as a Homicide Detective in ruins, his checking account overdrawn, his favorite slacks torn to shreds, his life in the hands of the serial killer he's been chasing for 400 pages, I find it best to give the reader a chance to catch his breath and contemplate all that has come before. I do this with a series of ellipses:
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Then I add dragons. The rest writes itself. Or, I have my son write it.

Either way, it's Miller Time!

Q: What types of books do people love best?

A: Books that reinforce their world view, and offer the shallowest of insights into the nature of life and humanity. Often, these books have vampires. Or wizards. Or lawyers.

Q: How can you stick to just one journal I'm always going on to different ones?

A: Develop Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

Childhood trauma works best, but since you are a grown man, that opportunity has passed.

Unless you have a time machine. Do you have a time machine? Are you building one? Can you take me with you? I've always wanted to visit Ford's theatre, on the day Lincoln was shot. They say John Wilkes Booth leapt to the stage from the balcony after the assassination, breaking his leg when he landed.

I wonder if anyone applauded? Even sarcastically. I would love to find out.

I'd be willing to pay, or, even help build the machine. I really don't have much going on these days, aside form writing in my journal and organizing my collection of professional wrestling DVDS, so - I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

Your journals. Right.

As I was saying, childhood trauma works best when trying to develop OCD, but any trauma will do. The key is to create a situation beyond your control, but that you think you should be able to control. You'll blame yourself for life and spend the rest of your waking hours focusing on whatever little, pathetic corner of the world you can control, all in the hopes of protecting yourself, and your loved one, both real and imagined,  from chaos. When I say it out loud, it sounds kind of silly, but - Excuse me, I need to move that painting, it's off center - you would be surprised how much it works.

Now, do you have any loved ones whose death would cause unbelievable psychic harm. A wife? A mother?

You have a wife and a mother? My, aren't you a lucky one? Who's more fragile?

Flip a coin.

It looks like your wife will soon enjoy the sky diving experience of a lifetime! If she survives that, encourage swimming with sharks, the cheapest package possible. If she's still alive after that, cliff diving. If she's still alive after that, try buying one journal at a time.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to re-alphabetize some lucha.

Q: Why are the finches poor in to kill a mockingbird?

A: Atticus blew all his money on cheap women and expensive booze.

I don't understand the confusion. This is plainly stated in the book, right there in the second chapter.

Now that I think about it, my copy of the book may be slightly irregular. It contains a great many hand written notations, addendums and edits that I assumed to be the work of Harper Lee, but on closer inspection seem to be written in my late uncle's angry scrawl.

I guess that explains why Scout knew all that ninjitsu. That never did make sense.

Q: Why do wood floors feel warmer than ceramic tiles to bare feet?

A: Ceramic draws the heat away from your feet faster than wood.

Also, the house is on fire.

I told you you should have hired the A-Team to take care of that gang of arsonists holding us up for protection money.

But, no, they were too expensive. You had to find someone cheaper.

And who's cheaper than Encyclopedia Brown?

I hope the money you saved was worth it. Maybe our kids can buy us a nice casket.

Q: How do you put dialogue into a book report?

A: With quotation marks, followed by a page number. For longer quotations, display the selection as a block quote.

In the future, please make sure that the passages quoted are directly from the book, and not from some outside source.

For instance, dialogue quoted from the film Glengarry Glen Ross has no place in a report on the book The Phantom Tollbooth.

Furthermore, dialogue passages that are clearly transcriptions of secretly recorded conversations between your mother and father have no place in a formal book report.

And certainly not when they are love scenes.

Do I even have to explain why the drawings are inappropriate?

Q: How to get rid of belly fat?

A: I don't know -  a knife? Some scissors? A sharp rock? It really doesn't matter how you remove it, or where it comes from, as long as it's in my hand in five minutes and it weighs one pound.

Maybe next time you'll think twice before asking me for a loan, then wagering all the money on a mysterious karate match featuring the American National karate team, led by a man who looks suspiciously like Eric Roberts, that also included a man who's a dead ringer for Chris Penn. Pardon the pun.

After you heal up,  you might want to rent an eye-opening movie called Best of the Best.

Q: What was the worst part of Romeo and Juliet?

A: Where to begin?

First of all, there's not one single montage in the whole story. How are we supposed to accept Romeo and Juliet falling in love if we never see them running on the beach in slow motion? Or sharing an ice cream? Or committing a series of increasingly violent armed robberies?

Second, the play contains very few dance-offs. In fact, I can't even remember a single one. Are we to believe that hundreds of years ago, young people didn't woo each other through impromptu dances-offs? Simply ludicrous. This play should not be classified as tragedy, it should be classified as science fiction. Better yet, as science lies.

Third, at no point in this so called "story" do any of the main characters put aside their differences to win a regatta, or talent show, or baseball game, thus raising enough money to save the Capulet home from foreclosure, keeping it out of the hands of greedy developers. This simply does not happen! Such a plot line is never mentioned, nor even implied. And people consider this play to be great?

And don't even get me started on the lack of ninjas. Or robots. There are neither! There's not even a polar bear who wears a suit made of vanquished foes and rules the underworld with an iron fist. In fact, there's not much to this story at all, aside from a couple of overly dramatic teenagers who seem to think the world revolves around them.

I thought this Shakespeare was some kind of great writer. Well, congratulations Bill, you wrote a  very special episode of Dawson's Creek. Not even the emotional range of James Van Der Beek could save this piece of tripe.

Q: What are the elements to a plot?

A: 1.) Set Up. The characters and setting are introduced and the main conflict explained.
2.) Rising Action - The characters engage themselves in the conflict, alliances are made, tension builds.
3.) Climax - The characters face the conflict directly, alliances are broken, loved ones die or are seriously injured.
4.) Falling Action - The characters deal with the conflict, alliances are rebuilt, there are funerals or miraculous recoveries.
5.) Resolution - The story comes to a fulfilling ending, often with off-camera lovemaking, or an on-camera, freeze-frame high five.
6.) Big Twist - The characters are revealed to be dead the whole time, or figments in the imagination of a minor character.
7.) Post Credits Sequence - A great place to  plug the sequel, or show hilarious outtakes.