Q: Why was you Love Lucy show a hit?

A: From 1951 to 1954, network television programming consisted entirely of two shows: I Love Lucy on CBS and ABC's Texaco Star Theater, hosted by Milton Berle. NBC aired a single photograph of Aldai Stevenson. reading the New York Times, from noon until 10PM every day.

Even in his heyday, people didn't really know why Milton Berle was funny. They assumed he had pictures of am ABC executive making love to a horse, or perhaps he was dying and was given a show to make him feel better.

Also, the vast majority of the nation's workforce had recently lost their jobs at the chocolate factory for being unable to keep up with the conveyor built. They could relate to I Love Lucy's stark and uncompromising vision of America.

Q: What are threats to the prairie ecosystem?

A: First the missionaries arrive, preaching their God and thumping their bible. Once they get enough followers, they need to build a church.

Someone needs to build that church, so carpenters roll into town, and these men need places to live, and places to eat and places to drink and places to "unwind," if you catch my drift.

Just to be clear, I'm talking about brothels.

Those gals need places to live and eat and play as well, so soon a whole town, full of businesses, and full of businessmen, has sprung up all around that little old church.

Now these businessmen are raking in money, hand over fist, and they need a place to keep it, so they open a bank. Now, once there's a bank, that means there must be someone to protect it. That means men with guns, walking the streets, shooting those deemed "criminal."

Well, the town can't just have outlaws walking the streets, accusing each other of thievery and shooting each other dead all day and all night. They need law. They need order. So they set up a proper government, with laws and courts and officials.

Soon, they're passing all kinds of laws. Soon they're making laws saying you can't shoot a man in the back, or steal a  horse because it reminds him of his dead wife. Before long, they're telling a man that he can't dress his children up and make them perform Twelfth Night for weeks on end. They'll even go so far as to tell a man  he can't make sweet, tender love to his own daughter, no matter how attractive she may be.

As you can see, the greatest threat to our ecosystem is man. That's why you mustn't leave the house. Ever.

Now, why don't you go along and put on that pretty new dress I bought you.

And we'll pick it up with Act IV, Scene One. Enter Sebastian and the Fool.

Go get your mother out of the stable. She'll want to see this.

Q: How many times does it mention in the bible God loves you?

A: Hundreds of times.

On every page.

In big, bold, red letters.

Big, bold, red,  handwritten letters. Handwritten in crayon.

Probably by my grandmother.

And sure, there are some typos. That's to be expected. She was very old. And troubled.

For instance, sometimes instead of "God," she writes "Doug." Doug was her husbands name.

And instead of "loves," she writes "hates."

And instead of "you," she writes "Jews."

But the message is still pretty clear. God loves me. And my grandmother wants me to know.

Why else would she write the inscription "There are many lessons in here. Learn them. Save yourself"?

And why else would she give me this Bible on her death bed, and say "I want you to have this. You are my favorite grandson. Only you can carry on our work"?

And why else would she leave me her most prized possession, her VHS copy of Schindler's List, or as she called it, "The most inspirational movie in the world. As long as you ignore the third act"?

Q: What harry potter movie does Dumbledore die in?

A: Um ... Wow.

I'm only on the third book. He's very much alive in that one.

I had no idea. He dies?

Really?

That kindly old man? Dies?

In a book for children?

What kind of monster would do such a thing?

I really ...

I can't ...

Wow ...

I need a moment.

He dies?

I was just coming to grips with the fact that he is gay.

Q: What islands in the Caribbean that have Spanish as their primary language?

A: Cuba, Puerto Rico and the Dominican Republic are all Spanish speaking islands. Any of those islands would be a perfect place for you to disappear, blend in and start a new life. That is, if you could actually speak Spanish.

You can't speak Spanish.

All those classes you've been taking, all those lessons, all those words ... Those were all a joke. We taught you a gibberish language, completely made up by Bob. We haven't taught you one word of Spanish.

We thought it was a pretty funny joke. And we all had a good time doing it. We figured you'd realize eventually. We figured you'd try and use your "Spanish" to order a meal, or pick up a girl, or impress a co-worker.

We never thought you wanted to learn Spanish so you could create a new identity, and go into hiding in the Caribbean, after pulling off the largest jewel heist in the history of Omaha.

So, yeah, you probably won't be able to hide in the Spanish Caribbean. No one would understand a word you said.

You can hide here. For a while. At least until the authorities offer a larger reward.