Thursday, February 3, 2011

Q: What is the importance of the espionage in the civil war?

A: Our vast network of spies allows us to be everywhere, to see everything, and to anticipate the every move of the Union army. With the help of our spies, we've won many battles, captured many soldiers, and moved closer to the day when we will be free from the tyranny of our Northern oppressors.

Granted, this latest bit of intelligence seems a bit troubling, but our spies have never let us down before. According to them, we can win the war tonight, in one fell swoop. Apparently the Union army would be ill-prepared by a full assault by the entire Confederate Army, but only if we stripped completely naked and armed ourselves exclusively with rusty spoons and bales of hay. The men of the Union army live in fear of tetanus, are allergic to hay, and are forbidden from shooting naked men. At least that's what our latest intelligence message tells us.

Now, this message, written in a hand I have never seen before, in a code that doesn't exist, by a spy who spelled my name wrong, as well as his, means one of two things:

1.) The Union Army consists of sickly, weak, fearful men ready to give up the fight.

Or,

2.) Our spies have been captured, and we are being feed misinformation.

Gentlemen, I think the answer is pretty clear.

Now let's all get naked and win this war!

Q: What a dog likes to chew?

A: Oh you know dogs, they'll chew on just about anything: a bone, a Frisbee, your wingtips. When it comes to chewing, dogs don't discriminate.

Now that's most dogs.

Old Odin here ain't most dogs. He's got a highly refined sense of smell; only one things sets him off and gets him chewing like that:

The smell of freshly harvested human organs about to be sold on the black market.

I'm going to need you to open your suitcase, sir.

Q: What is the name for the thing Chinese people pull people in for transportation?

A: That would be a rickshaw. It's a perfectly reasonable mode of transportation. Even for a cop.

Sure, I would prefer to drive a car, but I can't do that anymore. After my eleventh high speed chase resulted in the deaths of six pedestrians and over 18 million in property damage, my license was suspended and I was forced to transfer out of the Major Case Squad. I stand by my decision to initiate the chase. The perp was the fourth car to turn left through a red light. Nobody slows down traffic in my city.

When they ran me out of Major Case, my Captain asked me where I didn't want to go, so he would know where not to send me. I told them they can put me anywhere, I don't care, as long as they don't put me in Santa Monica and make me a bike cop.

I hate the beach.

And I can't ride a bike.

You'll notice we're in Santa Monica. You'll notice I'm wearing spandex shorts. Guess where I got transferred?

You can understand why I need the rickshaw.

Q: What does the red and white on the national flag symbolize?

A: The white symbolizes the European settlers who immigrated to the New World and formed the colonies that became America.

The red symbolizes the Native Americans who already lived here.

The alternating stripes of red and white symbolize the glorious harmony achieved between the settlers and the Native Americans.

The blue symbolizes the sadness of the settlers because things didn't work out between them and the Native Americans.

The stars, which symbolize all the Native Americans who are now up in Heaven, because they refused to adjust to the times, also reflect that sadness.

The stars replaced the original design, a bunch of wealthy landowners laughing and high-fiving while they watched a teepee burn. This design was considered to be in poor taste. Wealthy men of that time would never use a high-five. That was for the peasants.

Q: Was Rome the first to have apartments?

A: Rome not only had the first apartments, but also the first landlords. Roman law prohibited cohabitation between a man and a women, unless the man was homosexual.

Often times, a young man, down on his luck, hoping to make it as a chef, would pretend to be homosexual in order to live cheaply with two young women. He would have to carry on the charade whenever in the landlord's presence, but was actually something of a ladies' man, creating hilarious misunderstandings week after week.

Years later, after the the Fall of the Roman Empire, a television show was created, based on life in a Roman apartment complex.

That show was ALF.

Obviously, they changed a lot of the details. That's Hollywood for you.

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Ryan Callahan has written, produced, or directed shows for ABC, A&E, SHowtime, The CW, TVLand, Animal Planet and other networks even lower on your dial. When not making TV, or writing fake answers, he reads books, buys books, or buys books to read later. Follow WikiFakeAnswers on Twitter and Facebook