Q: How do you get a guy to like you again when you guys broke up and you want to date again?

A: Does he currently have a girlfriend?

Have you murdered her?

Have you burned down his home, leaving him no place to live?

Have you tampered with his mail, ruined his credit, sabotaged his career, or pumped hallucinagins into his car while he drives?

Have you tried anything?

A man will only return to an ex when he has no other options. It seems to me like your ex still has a multitude of options. Eliminate them. You'll thank me.

Just don't thank me publicly. I won't want to hurt my career as a guidance counselor.

Q: Is a lawyer a salaried job?

A: I get that question a lot. Before we go any further, let me put your mind at ease.

I don't get paid unless we win.

And we are going to win! I can feel it. I have what my grandmother used to call "law bones." Once I get inside a courtroom, these old bones start twitching and humming and I get a sense, right down here, at the base of my skull, of how the jury's thinking. Ever since yesterday, my law bones have been acting up like you wouldn't believe. There's no way we're losing this case.

At least no once that jury sees you in that wheelchair.

Didn't I mention the wheelchair?

I swore I did. Are you sure?

Well, I fear that the jury might see you as too ... healthy, and not deserving of such a large settlement, in your current, ambulatory condition. I aim to fix that, put you in a wheelchair, doctor up some medical records, post date some x-rays, and make it seem like you shattered both legs when that paper airplane hit you in the face.

We have excellent forgers. Don't you worry. They'll make it all believable.

One thing they cannot forge is an x-ray. I don't know how else to put this: I'm going to need to break your legs.

Now before you start objecting, let me explain - Hey is that Steve Guttenberg?

See, that didn't hurt too bad. That's one femur down, one more to go. By now you realize Steve Guttenberg is nowhere to be seen. I needed to distract you, so you wouldn't see my assistant swing that sledge hammer. For some reason, Steve Guttenberg always works. People love that guy.

You'll appreciate what I'm doing for you once you have that huge settlement check in your hand. It will be more than enough to cover the cost of the surgery to repair your legs.

Minus my fee, of course.

You might even have enough left over to buy a fancy wheelchair. You'll be needing one.

All right, time for the other leg.

Oh, stop whining. It can't hurt that bad. I stubbed my toe once. Barefoot. On a rock. The pain wore off in minutes.

Okay, fine. I'll just break the one leg. I'm sure the jury will find you just as sympathetic on crutches. Now, let's talk about your testimony,  - Hey, is that Michael Winslow?

I'm sorry about that. I needed to break both legs. The fake reports have already been written.