Q: How can you tell the power of your microscope?

A: By how much it magnifies the object on the slide.

For instance, a microscope that magnifies an image to 40 times its size, would be a 40x microscope.

Your microscope doesn't magnify at all. The image in the lens is the exact same size as the object on the slide. That would make your microscope a 1x microscope. That's not a very powerful microscope.

Your microscope probably isn't very powerful because it's a paper towel roll, painted silver, with the words "microscope" written on the side, in what appears to be crayon.

It's not really a microscope at all.

Which means you probably aren't really a scientist.

Which means your entire Craigslist ad was probably a lie. 

Q: What is the value of Bing Crosby Merry Christmas Decca Records 6 record set?

A: A set like that, in mint condition, would be very valuable.

However, a set of six cassette tapes that feature an angry, drunken woman mumbling her way through Bing Crosby songs while yelling at her son and telling graphic stories about fellating Spiro Agnew would be worthless.

Completely worthless.

Guess which one you have?

Q: Is it legal to have three wives in the US?

A: When you asked me for permission to marry my daughter, I said yes, even though you had only been dating for a few months, you were new in town, and you had no work history, and no credit history, and no history of any kind. It's like you appeared one day, magically, out of the ether, and swept my daughter off her feet.

My gut said, "Say no. You cannot trust this man." But I did not say no. I did not trust my gut. I trusted my daughter. She said you were the most amazing man she'd ever met and that you would be happy together forever. I wanted the best for her, I wanted her to be happy, like any father would. So I allowed you to marry her.

I regret my decision.

The regret began when, during the planning of the wedding, you kept saying things like "I don't care, it can't be worse than my last wedding,"  and "Of all my weddings, this is shaping up to be the best one yet."  I didn't know you had been married before. The news began to gnaw at me.

The regret grew when, prior to the ceremony, two women introduced themselves to me as Mrs. Bennington the First and Mrs. Bennington the Second. I quickly concluded that they were not your mother and sister. The fact they both openly referred to you as "my husband," certainly helped. It also helped that they said things like, "we're not divorced," and "he's a bigamist" and "We're excited to have another hand to help around the house and to satisfy our husband's bizarre sexual cravings. We are so very sore."

The regret reached an apex during the ceremony when you referred to my daughter in your vows as "Wife 3", "Wife 3.0" and "Wife with the Pretty Mouth." I would have objected, but so many of my family had traveled so far, and I had some important clients here as well. I did not want to make a scene.

As you can see, after the ceremony, and all during the reception, I was filled with regret.

Now I am filled with anger. Because of your stupid question.

To answer your stupid, insulting question, no. No. No, it is not legal to have three wives in the US.

But, you know this. You're a smart man.

That's why you don't have to ask why I am loading this gun.

Because you know the answer.

Q: Do caterpillars eat different foods?

A: Depends on the kind of caterpillar.

Some are herbivores and eat only a certain kind of plant.

Others are predators and feast on the eggs and larvae of other small insects.

A few are cannibals, eating other caterpillars to survive.

None of them eat dead human flesh.

You are thinking of maggots.

Caterpillars will not help you dispose of a dead body. They won't pick it clean and make it harder for authorities to identify.

Caterpillars will mostly crawl around on the body for while, then become butterflies. Many, many butterflies.

The butterflies will fly up in the air, creating such a spectacle, that all the children in the neighborhood will come running to find the source of the magic butterflies.

But instead of finding a magic butterfly kingdom, these children will find the corpse of an old woman, a sad little man frantically trying to dig a hole, and an astonishing amount of Disney porn.

You can imagine the children's disappointment.

Q: What is meant by 'killed in committee'?

A: Look, this is part of politics. As politicians, it is our job to reframe events and put them in a more acceptable context for the people.

We can't just go out there and tell them every sordid detail and hope they understand. If they knew the things we did for their benefit, for their safety, they would probably think us mad. They would lose faith in us. 

We can't have that. 

We need these euphemisms. They protect the people from the truth. And they protect us from the people. 

We can't go out there and say: Today, Julius Caesar was stabbed to death on the Senate Floor by 60 men, including some of his closest friends. 

That just sounds horrible. That makes us sound like awful people. We can't say that.

So, instead we say: Today, Julius Caesar was killed in committee.

There's certain dignity to it.

Now someone go tell Mark Antony. He's probably going to want to make a big speech or something.