Q: What does a girl want on her birth day?

A: It's hard to tell. Women can be so finicky. I know one thing, your lady friend would like nothing more than to escape from the pit I dug in my basement. It's really deep and the walls are very slick, so it's impossible for her to climb out.

I'm thinking of giving her what she wants for her birthday, and I might just do it, if she PUTS THE FUCKING LOTION IN THE BASKET!

Q: What stone problem would cause pain in the middle of your back on the left side?

A: Here at Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery" Fantasy Camp, we like to think of stones as solutions, not problems. Solutions to the problems caused by the undue stress of the modern world. We believe that there isn't a problem in the world that can't be solved by being pelted to death with stones thrown by angry strangers.

Your particular solution was a large one, thrown by that girl over there. The one with the pretty dress and the bloodthirsty eyes and the poor aim.

We started this Fantasy Camp as a joke. We never really thought anyone would attend. We were surprised when you showed up, and brought your whole family with you.

I take it you never read the book.

Or, you read it, and you don't know what words mean.

Either way, here come more stones!

You are welcome.

Q: Should a doctor take out stitches?

A: Look, the Joker planted that bomb in your stomach and we only have 30 seconds until it explodes, so we don't really have time to dicker over who did or did not go to medical school and who may or not be drunk.

Q: What is the function of the senate in the federal government?

A: It gives the very rich the feeling that they have accomplished something with their lives.

Q: What is way to represent 4 cows died?

Q: With this heaping pile of Quarter-Pounders. If you eat all of them, it's like having a Thirty-One Pounder. Then those cows won't have died for nothing.