Q: Can the judge who signed the warrant for the defendant be the judge at his trial?

A: You know what? That's an excellent question!

I will absolutely look into that. I should probably know the answer. It may come in handy at your trial.

I'm going to be honest with you, I've had a hard time focusing lately. My work's been real sloppy.

I'm so nervous. I've never tried a criminal case before.

I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I have never been in court before.

I really shouldn't tell you this, but I never passed the bar exam. I never took it. I'm not a lawyer.

A few years ago, you'll appreciate this one, because you're a criminal, I was going through a really rough stretch. Broke. Divorced. Miserable. Drunk all the time. Just hating life. I stopped my car at a gas station, where I couldn't even afford one gallon. Not one. I was that broke.

There was a guy there, at the next pump, real nice car, dressed real sharp. Had a real fancy watch. When he finished pumping gas, he had to use the bathroom. He left his car unlocked, with the keys in it.

Well, one thing led to another and I followed that man into the bathroom, strangled him, stole his clothes, his watch and his car. Turns out, he was on his way to LA to start work with a new law firm. They'd never seen him before. No idea what he looked like.

After I'd stolen so much, stealing his identity made perfect sense.

Now don't freak out, I've picked up quite a few tidbits about the law over the past few years. I watch a lot of Boston Legal. You should be fine.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to use the bathroom. This judge gives me a hard time when he smells booze on my breath.