Q: How can you tell that your wife is falling out of love with you?

A: There will be little signs at first.

She'll hang out with her friends more. She won't laugh at your jokes as much. She'll start to criticize the way you hold your fork.

Then you'll notice bigger changes. She'll start dressing nicer. She'll be less interested in sex. Sometimes she won't come home until very late, her hair a mess, her dress stinking of booze, cigars and Old Spice.

Eventually, the signs will become too much for you to ignore. She'll be gone for weeks at a time. She'll empty your bank account and go on a vacation to Thailand. She'll send you a sex tape she made with her new lover, labeled "You Should Watch This. You Might Learn a Thing Or Two."

After that, it's one non-stop torrent of disrespect. It will get to the point that you will curse the day you decided to dig her up and re-animate her corpse.