Q: What type of disc to you need to copy data from your computer?

A: You would need a CD-R, a DVD-R or some variation. If you have an older computer, like a really old one, you would need a 3 1/2" or 5 1/4" floppy disc.

Anyone of those would work.

What will not work is a disc made of stone.

I understand that your stone is very important to you, and to your people. I realize how many lives were lost in the battle of whatever to rescue your sacred stone from your hated rivals, whose nearly unpronounceable name escapes me. I think it's wonderful that your father, the chief, gave you the stone to protect you from evil spirits on your voyage to the New World.

I think it's rather adorable that you believe your stone holds the entire history of your tribe, all it's wisdom and knowledge.

However, there is something you must know.

What you believe is wrong.

Your stone is not magic.

It is just a stone. A stone with some writing on it. It is not compatible with any computer on campus.

Look, I'm not mad at you. I should have seen this coming.

When our scouts found you in the jungle, and saw you outrun a cheetah, and brought you back here to play wide receiver and return kicks, we knew there would be some cultural differences.

We thought you would be scared by our automobiles, or you'd play football barefoot, or something like that. We figured we'd all get a big laugh out of your clicking language.

We never expected you to destroy every computer on campus by trying to upload data from your magic stone.

You've done over four million dollars worth of damage. As Dean, I have no choice but to expel you.

Just as soon as we beat LSU and win the Cotton Bowl.