Q: Is it legal to have three wives in the US?

A: When you asked me for permission to marry my daughter, I said yes, even though you had only been dating for a few months, you were new in town, and you had no work history, and no credit history, and no history of any kind. It's like you appeared one day, magically, out of the ether, and swept my daughter off her feet.

My gut said, "Say no. You cannot trust this man." But I did not say no. I did not trust my gut. I trusted my daughter. She said you were the most amazing man she'd ever met and that you would be happy together forever. I wanted the best for her, I wanted her to be happy, like any father would. So I allowed you to marry her.

I regret my decision.

The regret began when, during the planning of the wedding, you kept saying things like "I don't care, it can't be worse than my last wedding,"  and "Of all my weddings, this is shaping up to be the best one yet."  I didn't know you had been married before. The news began to gnaw at me.

The regret grew when, prior to the ceremony, two women introduced themselves to me as Mrs. Bennington the First and Mrs. Bennington the Second. I quickly concluded that they were not your mother and sister. The fact they both openly referred to you as "my husband," certainly helped. It also helped that they said things like, "we're not divorced," and "he's a bigamist" and "We're excited to have another hand to help around the house and to satisfy our husband's bizarre sexual cravings. We are so very sore."

The regret reached an apex during the ceremony when you referred to my daughter in your vows as "Wife 3", "Wife 3.0" and "Wife with the Pretty Mouth." I would have objected, but so many of my family had traveled so far, and I had some important clients here as well. I did not want to make a scene.

As you can see, after the ceremony, and all during the reception, I was filled with regret.

Now I am filled with anger. Because of your stupid question.

To answer your stupid, insulting question, no. No. No, it is not legal to have three wives in the US.

But, you know this. You're a smart man.

That's why you don't have to ask why I am loading this gun.

Because you know the answer.