Q: What is the size of Northern Ireland in the United Kingdom?

A: Not very large at all. Terribly small, in fact.

If you take a look at this map, you will see that Northern Ireland is no bigger than our own kingdom. Please note, this map is not to scale.

In actuality, Northern Ireland is much larger than our kingdom. Every thing is, sir. It's the nature of new nations that they must start small, at the very bottom. Only be conquering foreign lands does a nation begin to grow.

Look at America. Once a mere thirteen colonies, now a vast and powerful country, stretching from sea to sea, and with holdings all over the globe. But that didn't happen over night. American's expansion took years.

You have to start somewhere, sir. What better place than Nothern Ireland?

And according to our intelligence, we should be able to conquer them with no problem.

Now, obviously, our intelligence in this matter is somewhat sparse. Our lone intelligence officer doubles as our  pool boy. You know Doug, sir. He compiled this report.

I'm not sure if report is really the right word. More of a drawing actually. But if I read it correctly, it seems that once we defeat a trio of Leprechauns, cross a river of green beer and wrestle a Bogman, we will rule the nation and all the glorious wenches will be ours for the taking.

Would you care to see the drawing, sir? There are many wenches and they have been rendered in exquisite detail. If he can't make a go of it as an intelligence officer, or pool boy, Doug might have a future as an illustrator. Although I do question his understanding of anatomy. And physics. Some of these wenches would have the most terrible back pain.

Nevertheless, Doug tells me they exist and they look forward to our arrival. He says they will treat us like liberators and will be very grateful. Very. Grateful.

At your command, I will ready the air force and navy for the invasion.

Be aware that the navy needs about an hour to get ready. We lost our bike pump and I'll need to inflate the raft by myself.