Q: How much does it cost to take care of a quarter horse per year?

A: Less than originally expected.

The hardest part was teaching him to walk upright, like a man.

Actually, the hardest part was getting him to wear human clothes. You have to admit, he does look handsome in that tuxedo.

After teaching him to walk like a man and dress like a man, teaching him to eat human food was pretty much a snap. Although I did have to replace the rolls of bread with apples. And we no longer have creme brule for dessert every night, but rather sugar cubes.

And he still hasn't mastered the use of the toilet. He will occasionally still relieve himself, anywhere, at anytime, even during dinner, as you know all too well. Please send me the bill for your dress. My apologies.

But all the hard work has really paid off, and he's worth the occasional headaches. I save a ton of money by letting him live in the house.

But the real benefits are not financial. The real benefits are in the bedroom.

He's amazing.

Once I get him in that harness, and lower him down over the bed, and get into the proper position, and dig the spurs into his belly, I feel the most incredible sensations.

For 30 seconds, at least, until I black out from the pain.

But the doctors tell me once all my wounds heal, I'll be able to try again in six months.

That's why I made this special, extra-long, advent calendar. Would you like to help me open today?

No, that's not a tiny replica of a chocolate banana. Let me have that.