Q: Why might people want to live near water?

A: Sharks live in the water. Sharks. The most beautiful, spectacular creatures on Earth.

Who wouldn't want to gaze into their cold, black eyes all day long. Who wouldn't want to see their enormous terrifying smiles, full of row after row of razor-sharp teeth, each and every day of their life?

Who wouldn't want to nestle up against their wet, rough skin, and feel safe, and fall asleep for days?

Who wouldn't fall in love with a shark, and give it special treatment, and prominent placement in the aquarium, and provide it with the best chum and homeless people available? Who wouldn't do anything to be with a shark, to show a shark he loved it, even if it meant losing his job as a marine biologist?

Oh.

Really?

Just me?

Yeah, I guess humans and sharks really aren't meant to be together. I kind of realized that that one time I had sex with a shark. That was terrifying.

I learned a valuable lesson having sex with a shark: Never have sex with a shark.

As much as you may love a shark, it will never love you back. It's just a shark. It doesn't have feelings like you or me.

But it does have dozens and dozens of enormous teeth that will cut you to ribbons if you are not careful.

I guess people live near the water for other reasons, too, not only because they love sharks.

Some people love scallops.

Have you ever fucked a scallop?

Now that's a good time.