Q: What is the medical term for fear of the unknown?

A: Let me check me text book ... Hmmm .... It says in here that you are a "pussy." I hope I'm pronouncing that right, "pussy."

"A giant pussy." The word "giant" was always there, I didn't notice it before.

Yup, that's it, a "Giant Pussy." Has all your symptoms, too:  your whiny voice, your sweaty pits, the way you're kind of stammering and on the verge of tears. All right here in this completely legitimate medical textbook that I just happened to have within reach.

No, you can't see it. My father gave me this book on his deathbed. I'm never forget his final words, "Never let a stranger touch this book, least of all a giant pussy." Funny how everything kind of comes together.

On the bright side, at least we have a diagnosis. The treatment is very simple. You have to face the thing you fear most.

In this case, you're going to have to go upstairs and check on that mysterious noise.

I'm sure it was nothing.

Sure, Dave and Rachel went upstairs to go have sex a couple hours ago, and haven't been back. They're probably quietly cuddling, just to mess with us. I'm sure those mysterious noises, the bloodcurdling scream, followed by the sounds of a struggle, followed by the sounds of two people being cut to pieces with an ax, were nothing more than the sounds of vigorous and adventurous lovemaking.

Now, go on up there. Make sure you make a lot of noises on the steps, so that Rachel and Dave have enough time to get dressed and I have a chance to flee.

I mean pee. So I have a chance to flee.

I did it again, didn't I?