Q: Can any mood stabilizers cause false positive drug tests?

A: They sure can!

I used to be moody like you wouldn't believe, swinging wildly between extreme depression and mild depression. Sometimes I was down in the dumps. Other times, like a second later, I was feeling blue. I was all over the place.

Then a friend of mine, well more of an acquaintance, actually a guy I met on the bus, turned me on to this mood stabilizer and, let me tell you, it worked like a charm. My mood is constant and euphoric. I feel great all the time. I used to be Mr. Boo-Hoo-Hoo, but now I'm Mr. Go-Go-Go. I'm consistently upbeat, cheery, full of energy, happy, energetic, creative, talkative, and I have tons of energy.

Did I mention I have tons of energy? Because I do! I haven't slept in five days.

All I need to do is take some of these mood stabilizers every couple of hours to keep myself right on track. My friend, the guy from the bus, charges a little more now, but that's to be expected. I need more of the stabilizers and he's getting better product now. He says it's straight from Columbia.

There is a downside. I get a lot of false positives on drug tests. It's ruined my career. No one's going to hire a math teacher with a history of failed drug tests, even though they are false. For some reason, the tests keep coming up positive for cocaine. I've never taken cocaine in my life. I only take these powered mood stabilizers.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to use the bathroom. I'm starting to feel moody and I need to rub some mood stabilizer on my gums.