Q: Is burning cheese a chemical reaction?

A: Burning Cheese is the name of my band, Dad. I've told you this dozens of times. I've invited you to my shows and played you my records and emailed you links to our reviews. We're kind of like the Dave Matthews Band, but with a tuba player, and a guy who breakdances. And another guy who pours Jolt on the guy who breakdances. I've explained all this to you before.

Chemical Reaction was the name of my short lived podcast about drug use. Despite it's popularity, it was quickly shut down, mostly due to protests about the content. Some of the local parents did not approve of my practice of conducting interviews with their pets while high. As if their pets never got high. I didn't even give them drugs. They were high when I found them.

If you'll recall, that's the same defense I used in court, right before I was sentenced to three years in prison for possession with intent and animal cruelty.

That's where I was for all that time. I was in prison. Not up in my room, listening to music and being sad.

I'd really appreciate it if you could play a more active role in my life, Dad. You never come to my shows. You never visited me in prison. You never support anything I do.

I'm kind of sick of your excuses.

I don't care that you've been dead for eight years. That doesn't stop you from going to Jasper's Intergalatic Spaceball games. And those things are all imaginary. Like Jasper.