Q: Why does god write down your behavior?

A: God loves for everyone to think that he is all powerful and all knowing, but he can be as absent minded and forgetful as the rest of us. He finds it helps to make lists and notes every now and then.  He keeps it all in this book, so we can refer to it when individuals arrive at the gates of heaven.

Now, let's take a look at what the big guy wrote about you.

I see a number of impure thoughts ... Selfish actions ... Infidelity ... Chronic tardiness ... Parking tickets ... Hit a drifter and kept driving ... Made little girl cry ... Fan of Forrest Gump ... Minor embezzlement ...

Well, there's nothing here that seems out of the ordinary. We are all human, after all, and God understands that. I think you'll enjoy things up here, we recently opened a new spa -

- Oh

There seems to be a second page.

Oh my.

Maybe I can't read the handwriting here, but did you happen to, at the age of 34, punch a baby? In the face? Then defend yourself by screaming "Jesus already paid for it"?

So, I didn't misread.

Wow.

I don't even know what to say. I'm speechless, and I'm the guy who processed Pol Pot.

Wow.

After careful consideration, I know just the place for you. Take that elevator, and you'll be there in a jiffy. If you get lost, follow the screams of the damned.

Thanks for stopping by.

Say "hi" to Pol.