Q: How do you attach a file to an email message?

A: You will need either a Cyber Paperclip, AKA CyberClip, which can be purchased on my website (CyberStationary.com) for a mere $49.99, or a tube of InterNet Glue Stick, also available at my website ($54.45).

Print out your document, making at least three copies. Apply the Internet Glue, or the CyberClip  to the document, attach the document to the screen of your computer, pour grape soda onto your keyboard, move your computer's mouse three inches to the left and softly speak the words: By The Chariot of Helios, I Bring You Light.

Did your attachment go through?

Really?

Let me take a look. Oh, I see what you did here. First of all, grape drink is not grape soda. You need to buy grape soda. Also a new keyboard. You ruined this one with grape drink. I'll do you a favor and go to the store to get some grape soda.

While I'm gone, practice softly speaking the incantation. It sounded like you whispered. The email Gods can't hear your whisper.

Whatever you do, don't press that button that says "Attachments." That button holds nothing but lies.