Q: How much control does the president really have over government spending?

A: Not nearly as much as I pretend to have. I work in the Executive Branch. Like an Executive Officer or an Executive Producer, I don't do a whole lot, I just take credit for the work of others.

Don't tell anyone I told you this, but my position is largely ceremonial. I shake some hands, give some speeches, pose for photos, that sort of thing. Every once in a while, Congress sends over something for me to sign. Occasionally, I veto something, just to mess with them, but they take another vote and send it back over for me to sign.

I take a lot of naps.

I do, however, have a great deal of power over one small area of government spending: How much we tip the pizza guy. In your case, the tip will be zero. Zero dollars. You will receive no tip.

Next time, if you want a tip, try to get that pizza here in under four hours, and bring me a pizza without a footprint in it.

I don't want to hear your excuses. Or your lies. There's no such thing as the Noid. We had him executed in '91. I've seen the pictures. Pretty gruesome.