Q: How do you grow island?

A: I started with a simple dream: to own my own island.

After preliminary research, I discovered that private islands are the exclusive providence of the very rich.I am not very rich. Nor even regular rich. Nor even poor. I have held one job in my life, at Burger King. My employment lasted three weeks and I was fired for stealing paper crowns.

I had to devise a new plan. I decided to build my own island. As I am not an engineer, nor a God, I did not know the first thing about building an island.

I assumed all I would need nothing more than a lot of sand and a lot of time. The time I had. I could get the sand. it's literally everywhere. I assumed I would have my own private island in no time, perhaps a few years, no more than four.

I assumed wrong. Turns out islands don't float.

On the bright side, I own the world's largest supply of salty mud. For the next twenty minutes.