Q: What object that is red Rhymes with fire?

A: My friend Eric.

Because, you see, he is a liar.

And he's red. On account of the paint.

Oh, I'm sorry, Eric, does the red paint sting your eyes?

That sting you feel right now? That's the same sting I feel when every time you lie to me.

The next time I want to spend my entire paycheck on donuts, don't tell me that donuts have been outlawed. You know I don't read the papers! If you are worried about my diabetes, talk to me like a man, so I can ignore you and eat donuts. Don't play on my apathy toward current events.

I have a lot more paint. Cans of it. Because paint is cheap, and I have lots of money. At least until I get to Krispy Kreme.