Q: How many kids can you watch legally in Maine?

A: In a strictly legal sense, I am unable to watch children, except through a high powered microscope, from a distance of more than 500 feet. But, I don't see any cops around, do you?

Look, lady, there's no need to get all panicked and crazy. There's an old saying in babysitting: Cheap, Immediate and Legal - You get to pick two. If you want a babysitter "approved by the law," well, I wish you the best, but good luck finding someone on such short notice. Most of the "legal" babysitters are booked for the night.

That pretty much leaves you with me, or you could go to the Apple store and pick up the iBabySitter, but we both know you can't afford that. Judging by the runs in your stockings, the smell of your cheap perfume, and the holes in your finest "going out" clothes, you can't afford much of anything.

One thing you can afford: Me.

I don't cost much. Just a few dollars and whatever cheap wine you got lying around. I do it for the love mainly, the love of children. God bless their little hearts.

You are lucky I happened to be walking by your house when your babysitter called and told you she had to cancel. Funny how that worked out. I hope she gets over that stomach flu real quick.

How do I know she had a stomach flu? I'm pretty sure you mentioned it. I think it's the first thing you said when you ran out of the house and waved me down; you shouted, "Excuse me, kind, handsome stranger, my babysitter has taken ill with an ailment of the stomach most foul and I am in need of a trustworthy, honest man, such as yourself, to look after my kids for the evening."

That's how I remember it.

The evening's not getting any younger. Your husband's been sitting in the car for a while now and I assume he's about to lose his patience. From my count, that's his fifth beer. I'd hate to see how he gets if he finishes that twelve pack before you get to the restaurant. If you want to spoil your anniversary, be my guest. I'm just trying to help.

I thought you'd see it my way. Now, before you leave, I have a few questions: Are the children of a trusting nature? And how much experience do they have on camera?