Q: Did Blue Valentine win any Oscars?

A: No. But it did win 12 Ernies. That's a record.

While not as prestigious as the Oscars, the Ernies are still a pretty big deal, especially in the Midwest. Specifically, in the Milwaukee, Wisconsin area of the Midwest. Specifically in the area in Milwaukee where I live. Specifically in my apartment.

I created the Ernies to honor the best films of the year. I named them after Bert's friend. That's why they look like rubber ducks. Ernie loved rubber ducks. Unfortunately, I couldn't afford enough rubber ducks for the ceremony, so I had to improvise. Most of the Ernies are carved out of soap.

I showered a lot last week, and ran out of soap. I had to use a of the Ernies to take care of business. As a result, they've lost some of their duck-like appearance. But Blue Valentine deserves every Ernie it won, every lumpy, cracked, dirty, hairy one.

Blue Valentine won Ernies for Best Picture, Best Actor (Ryan Gosling), Best Actress (Michelle Williams), Best Director (Derek Cianfrance), Best Movie to Watch on a First Date, Best Movie to Watch on a Second Date, Best Movie to Watch the First Time You Have Sex, Best Movie to Watch While Tearfully Apologizing for Premature Ejaculation, Best Movie to Watch While You Fight With Your Girlfriend, Best Movie to Watch While Your Girlfriend Breaks Up With You, Best Movie to Watch While Your Girlfriend Throws Your Homemade Awards out the Window and Storms Out the Door, and Best Movie to Watch While Crying Alone.

It won every major award, with the exception of Best Movie to Watch While Angrily Masturbating to Pictures Of Your Sleeping Ex-Girlfriend. For the eighth straight year, that Ernie went to RoboCop.